My new piece....and some updates...

Updates on me and sprite...

She's fine and everything is normal. Her endoscopy went really well according to the doctor and she's completely healthy. We go back next month to see if maybe her excessive chewing and difficulty swallowing is a result of an allergy of some kind. Thats it.

I cant tell you how relieved and frustrated I was when he told me that he found nothing and she was normal. Not that I was looking for something to be wrong with her I just wanted an answer. My biggest fear is that something is wrong and they wont find it before something goes really wrong or that her symptoms are a result of something much much bigger and life threatening. It scares me to think that they cant find anything, and that for all intents and purposes she's normal.

I'm a mother I worry. It doesn't help that my favorite show is Mystery Diagnosis. I'd laugh except she's still having the mysterious fevers that are low grade but still there out of the blue for no reason. one minute her temp will be 97.3 (her normal core temp) then before you know it she'll have a temp of 99.8 or 100 or some such and those fever's aren't something that you can take her to the doctor for or give medicine for either. So their just there, and they knock her out. Knock her out as in sleeps for a few hours then by the time she wakes she's perfectly fine and her temp is back down to 97.3.

Her swallowing is better she doesn't seem to chew till her food liquefies though she's still really slow when it comes to eating and it still takes her an hour where everyone else may take 30mins. But the doctors say she's normal. I have to trust them don't I?

Anyway My life is uncomplicated and boring aside from Sprite I have no life, lol.

I've been spending a lot of time with my new friends who are almost as boring as me, but not quite. So I've not been home or online in a long time. Oh the horror.

My god daughters are doing wonderful I've been with them all weekend and oh how i missed their faces and their noise. Sprite had a great time there and cried when we left today. Poor pitiful thing.

I wrote a new piece today. *applause* Thank you thank you *bows*

Its a three part monologue done with three people 2males and one female. I like it but it makes me cry when i read it to myself so ware your eyes and bring along some tissues, lol.

I don't have a title for it yet so if you think of one let me know as i need help with that. Usually i start with a title but this time I'm having a bit of difficulty. I've posted this on BBC to my DS girls so i hope i get some feedback and will have a title soon. Please feel free to leave suggestions and feedback on this as its new and I'm not quite certain what to think about it.

Think of it as there being a spot light on each during their part while the others remain dark until their parts. They're all being interviewed by the DA.

The colors are to show different characters. the blue is a man, the black is a man and the green is a woman.

A little background a friend of mine's had a cousin beat (not to death) but bad enough to be hospitalized and the husband of the cousin went to jail and is now not allowed to see his children or his wife again (judge ordered) he beat her that badly. I met them twice but didnt know them. The monologue that i'm talking about in the monologue is"A Good man" if you read my blog you've read it, the poem is mine too its "Obsession" this you also should have read if you've read my blog. Vivienne is me.

How does it feel…I wonder…to lose control of yourself in a way that you can not come back from? Do you know? I wonder if he lost himself and the only way to find it was to rage until he shattered all that mattered to him.

He committed emotional suicide you know. He can never come back from this. He was my brother, my friend and I loved him as such, even though he’s not blood, I loved him, and I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

You know when me and Wendell we’re friends we did some of the craziest shit you could ever think of. (Laughs bitterly) we used to shoplift from the corner store just so that Mr. Harold behind the counter would cuss and chase us down the street. I knew even then he had problems but I never thought he’d be capable of this. This baffles me. I GREW up with him. I thought I knew him, but how could…(cries)

We all thought we knew him Mr. District attorney. We never thought he’d beat her to death. I mean all we saw in the last 7 years were a couple bruises, the worst was a black eye and a bruise on her hip never this. He was coming around. We had been waiting SHE had been waiting for him to change, that’s the whole reason she stayed, because she new that he had it in him to be a good man, a worthy man. She believed in him that much. He was going to a therapist learning how to talk through is anger, and insecurities. He was looking for a way out of the pain and the rage. I guess he never found it.

What? No he never hurt, or abused the children. He loved them, never would he have done anything to them. He was a good father to them. I should hate him for this. We should all hate him for this, but how do you hate someone you’ve loved so long? How does it feel I wonder to hurt so bad that the only way to feel anything besides hurt is to hurt the person closest to you?

How did it feel? When? When I kicked her? When I hit her? When I killed her? (shrugs) does it matter? She’s gone, and its all her fucking fault, the bitch. Why couldn’t she just accept that I’ve changed? She had to belittle me and accuse me and be wary. WHY? She never could trust me.

No, Mr. District Attorney I didn’t want to kill her. I just wanted her to hurt as much as I hurt. As much as she hurt me, why couldn’t she see that I just wanted to love her and I wanted her to love me? I was TRYING to be better to be something other than I always had been with her. I wanted to change for myself and for her. I didn’t want my kids to grow up the way I did seeing their dad be abusive. I was TRYING to be better. To do better, but did she accept that? NO! She wanted me to take SHIT from her. ME take shit? NO I give shit I don’t take it. Our friends told me to TAKE IT, because she’d taken it from me for so long, what are they crazy? You want to know how it started? Okay I’ll tell you.

She was getting ready to go to work and all I did was ask her a simple question, okay. I asked “Hey call me on your break okay?” and she had to be a bitch about it and be SMART about it and say “Why so you can check up on me and make sure I’m not sleeping with anybody?” Really?! REALLY?! The bitch! Like she had a right to question me? I was the one who had to question HER.

You know I almost walked away, I really did but then she said, “I’m not calling you Wendell. So forget it.” The last thing I remember before I hit her was that she looked like she was going to say something else but WHAT did she have to say that would make it better? All I wanted was a simple phone call after her shift at the factory. That’s it. Is it too much to ask of her husband for his wife to call him during her break?

Bitch.

That sorry son of a bitch, I was his friend. I loved him and I was trying to counsel him on his marriage to my sister. He was my brother I loved him like a brother, and he killed her and in killing her he killed himself. How am I supposed to explain to their kids that they have to live with grandma and grandpa because daddy killed mommy, huh? They’re 5 and 3 how are they supposed to understand this? I don’t understand this.

He promised he was getting help for his anger and his rage. I guess it didn’t help did it? He was my best friend and I trusted him with my sister’s life and he took it from her after 7years of marriage and 2 kids.

Did he explain why? Did he tell you why he beat her to death Mr. District attorney? I want to know why. I want to be able to explain this to my mother. I want her to know why she doesn’t have a daughter any longer. No? He didn’t give a reason? But there has to be a reason, there has to be. The man shattered a toilet there has to be a reason for that much anger.

But no it’s just like Wendell to not say anything when it really matters. You know my wife’s friend was over the last time we saw Wendell and Lauren. She’s a writer and brought over a monologue and poem that she had written for my wife to read and get her opinion on and during it she thought it was odd that Wendell got up in the middle of the poem and left the room and didn’t come back till the reading of both was over.

I told her that she was seeing too much and it was probably nothing. I wonder know how he felt to hear his own thoughts. What do I mean? Well my wife’s friend wrote a monologue about an abused woman talking to a police officer and telling why she wouldn’t leave her husband. The poem was about an abusive relationship from a husband’s point of view and telling how obsessed he was with her and why she needed to die.

It was very dark and powerful, now I see it as foreshadowing as to what was to come but how were we to know?

How were we to know that he’d do this to his family? How were we to prevent something like this? How do you ask that? There was no way to know this would happen.

My friend? What friend? My writer friend? What does Vivienne have to do with this? Oh my husband told you about her monologue and poem? Why? Yes I remember Wendell getting up and walking away during the middle. I didn’t think anything of it why? She thought it was strange? She didn’t tell me. She told Pierce? Why? How in the HELL do you think that someone who didn’t even know Wendell well would be able to know when he’s acting odd and we, who have known him his whole life didn’t realize that he was headed for a breakdown.

How could she of all people have seen this when we didn’t? Oh God…how did we not see?

How could she not see that I loved her and wanted to change for her and our family. I was so angry with her. I wanted her down and broken like she’d made me.

What have I done?! Laura I’m sorry! Laura! Please! I’m sorry…you shouldn’t have…you shouldn’t have…What was I to do, huh? Oh God… how do I take it back.

My kids how will my kids understand that I did love her more than anything but it was to much…too much. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t breath, she suffocated me just by being, she took my breath, my love, my whole being. She had to give some back Mr. District Attorney do you understand? She. Had. To. Give. Some. Back. I couldn’t breath.

Please, please, let me see my kids let me talk to them and tell them that I did love her I do love her. She was everything to me. Oh God what have I done…

LAURA………………Please baby…………please…I’m so sorry. (Sobs)

I’m sorry Laura. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner. He was my friend, and I loved him, I’m so sorry I failed you. You will always be my baby sister and I your big brother, Laura, I didn’t protect you, and for that I’ll always be sorry.

Oh, God Laura, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Please Laura forgive us where ever you are forgive us for being so blind.

Babies are a wonder....

You know it?! I love babies and my two in life best friends have had a baby girl a piece this summer. I love babies. Especially of the girl type because I love Dresses and while I love little boys most people frown when you put a dress on a boy.....whether he wanted to wear it or not O_O.

I am going to use Anonymous names on here because while I'm okay with people googling me I'm not okay with people googling my kid or my goddaughters, sorry. So my friend Lucky and her two daughters (my god daughters) Anne and Leigh and her husband Sasquatch (lol) invited me over to their house this weekend to babysit Anne and Leigh. Of course I said yes even though I was dead dog tired and sore from teaching, dancing and commanding 13 3year olds, because I don't get to see them as often as I'd like and because I missed them like crazy. Unfortunately for me Leigh is Teething and was a little grumpy when I showed up.

I love babies but I forget how loud they get when they're uncomfortable or hurting or tired, and I forget how they go from Happy to SHRIEKING in seconds. So I pulled out my 16years of baby calming knowledge .(Yep been babysitting since I was 12 and helped raise up 10 children from babies to toddlers. My knowledge is so vast I amaze my self sometimes)

Leigh has a Ring sling(rs) that I got her mother when she was pregnant. So far I think I'm the only one that uses it, but i love it anyway. So I got it out and carried her around with me while I packed in my laundry from the car. That calmed her down she loves to look outward from the sling. When we got back in the house and I started laundry (with her still in the sling) she started to shriek at me again so I of course did what normal sane persons do when a baby starts to shriek. I said "What's the matter bay bay" like she's really gonna answer me, lol. Of course she didn't and took my question as an affront and continued her shrieking.

So I stopped laundry and I carried her back to the bedroom and got her bottle, she was hungry surely since she hadn't been eating much. She ate 2oz and then proceeded to give me the universal "I'm sleepy" eye rub and I proceeded to try to put her to sleep. Well let me tell you that this baby must be a genius because as soon as she figured out what I was doing did she let out an ear pearcing, high pitched, bring down the house SHRIEK like I'd never heard before. Man can she make the ears ring.

So I got out the full arsenal, of paci's, blankets, rocking chair, swing and bouncy seat to compete with her shriek. Nothing worked but bouncing, can anyone say "Oh my aching back". Luckily her Lucky and Sassy (short for Sasquatch) have a very bouncy bed. It was almost as good as a birthing ball. I placed her on my chest, put her paci in her mouth put one hand behind her head and the other hand on her bottom and i bounced and patted her little but till she snored. Blissful silence, ahhhhh.

Till of course i go to lay her in her crib, but lucky for me her mother has her trained pretty well. I got her comfortable, put her paci back in her mouth and patted her belly till she dozed back off and I went back to my laundry.

Bad news for me is she only slept 15mins. Just enough time for me to load the washer, lol.

She wasn't shrieking though just talking in her crib so I let her talk to herself and went to check on Anne and my own little Sprite (I think I'll call my kid sprite) to see what they were doing and found them both on the computer listening to JUSTIN BIEBER, EWWWWWWWWWWWWW YUCK!

I know, I know.........but they're only 7 and 3. (Well Anne will be 7 this Saturday) Now is not the time for boy bands. LOL. And I am soooo not the one to talk. She who still has her Backstreet Boy CD's and still listens to them when she can get a weekend alone, lol. YES i did too love the Backstreet Boys! Still do sometimes. But that's beside the point! Justin Bieber sounds like a girl, looks like one to if truth be told. AT least the BSB and Nsync had male features and sounded male. I cant wait for his voice to change GAH!!!!!

After assuring myself that my two big girls didn't need me for anything I went back to Her Imperial Highness who had started to demand my presence. Did I mention I love babies.

So that was essentially my Saturday. Oddly enough I loved it, call me crazy but I seem to thrive on the chaos that a baby brings to a house. It's one of my favorite levels of chaos. Yep chaos does have levels and you only have to be around kids as much as I am to know most of them.

There was also a sale at one of my favorite stores this weekend. THE WOODEN NICKEL is where i buy my Teapots like this one!!

Love it!

Anyway so the Wooden Nickel was having a 75% off sale! HOW COULD I PASS THAT UP? well I don't I tell you. So I go and buy some baby stuff for Leigh and my other friend's daughter. Then I buy a plaque to put on my wall that says "A mother's love is like a circle. It has no beginning and no ending. It goes around and around ever expanding, touching everyone who comes in contact with it."

Love it.

Then I bought my Sprite a cute overnight bag like these.

Got one for Anne too.

For Anne since her birthday is close I'm going to fill it with stuff she wants for her birthday and then give it to her to unwrap and ohh and ahh over. For Sprite she can use it whenever she goes to Anne's or something.

Ah the retail therapy that I had this weekend. I'm all agog with pleasure. But that will be the last shopping spree that I go on till after Christmas. I have too much saving to do.

First I have to save for Guardianship of Sprite. For those of you who don't know my life Sprite isn't my biological child she's actually my cousins child that i have been raising permanently since she was 18mos old but off and on since birth and I'm just now eligible to get guardianship. So that comes before all else.

Second I have to save for my cloak before it gets too cold. I'm tired of looking for jackets/coats that don't fit well so I have opted to go with my weirdness and buy a warm cloak. And I'm saving for it since it's 160bucks plus shipping. (do you know how many books I could get with that?)

Third I have to save for Sprite's birthday (December 2ND) it's the big 4. Last year we had a Christmas tea party theme (for which i got a new teapot,:P) this year I don't know what to do. So if you have any suggestions feel free to leave them.

Fourth I'm saving to get pregnant next summer and sperm costs a lot of money. Since I'm single and not looking to give up my ladylike ways and turn into the city pump I'm opting to go with a sperm bank instead of bar hopping and getting a disease.

Lastly of course I'm saving for a new car, but as long as my old car keeps running i wont be ardently saving for a new car till after this summer.

So NO more sporadic spending for me!! All of my money is spoken for.

Tomorrow is labor day and I'm so glad i don't have work tomorrow. Lounging with my sprite and reading and playing with her sounds so nice. Of course since Sprite is awe fully spunky she'll probably tell me that she doesn't want to play with me (like she to often does) in which case i will stick my tongue out at her and turn the music on because if you don't want to play then we can DANCE!! (badly of course but that's the fun of it!)


Here's another story to tempt you to comment!

Sad isn’t she? God, look at that face. So sad so poignant it breaks the heart doesn’t it?
If only I could feel this way. I can’t you know. I have never once cried in my memory. Though I can only remember from when I was 10 years of age on. I have no recollection of the time before I was ten years old. I am now 30. Who knows if I have cried before that age, hell I might have just cried myself out by then.
Sometimes I feel sad, but it’s not something I can understand. Oh I get along okay with others I have social skills I even have compassion and empathy but when it comes to my own emotions about myself or something sad in my own life the correct emotion eludes me. I laugh instead of crying at family funerals. When stressed outwardly I am really calm while inside I am a total wreck, emotionally, a total wreck. I can’t cry and for the life of me I can’t figure out how.
I would love the release of tears. I think it would make me feel so much better. I will watch a sad movie but it fails to move me. I worry about this because my first child is due and I have yet to feel any sort of emotional connection to this being inside me. I feel it moving but instead of feeling the wonder of the kicks and thumps it is more of an inconvenience and more than a little painful.
I don’t know how I am going to act when it gets here. I haven’t found out the sex of it yet because I think, hopefully, when the doctor yells out whether it’s a boy or girl will draw me toward it inexorably and then I will feel.
Maybe even feel what my mother felt for me when I was born? I don’t know, but at least feel something. I have been hollow for 30years and I think that is enough.
I think what happened to me when I was a child had something to do with my feelings being locked away, though I have had extensive therapy sessions and even tried hypno-therapy and have yet to open my mind to before I was 10. I know my past is out there somewhere I just wish I knew where.
You see I was found in a homeless shelter when I was ten years old by a one of the social services people that volunteer at such places. They took me into custody because my mother and father never showed themselves and I didn’t talk for 2years after they found me. I don’t know what happened to me but I wish I knew for my child’s sake. For without a past how can I give my child a future?
I have looked for my parents in every face, every gesture, and every voice that I have ever come across and no one yet has come forward to claim me.
I love my foster parents but there is a hole in me that just will not fill, and I think because of that is why I have yet to cry in all these years. My foster parents gave me everything that I claim to date even my name, Evangeline. They’re very religious and though that since I couldn’t remember my own name I needed a new start. Like Eve I needed to come first. I was the only child they ever adopted and they never fostered after me. So in a sense I was their first and only daughter. I just wish I knew who I really was. Sometimes I still even find it hard to talk openly with certain people, and at times I just get so sad that I can barely move.
Now is one of those times, as I lay here in my bed waiting on this baby to be born I am sad.
I can’t explain it, it is what it is, and though I feel this deep sadness there is nothing that can alleviate it. There is no outlet.
This picture reminds me of something that I can’t name. Something about it strikes me so deep that I felt the need to blow it up and put in on a wall in my house. It’s a picture that I both love and hate. It’s the only picture I have ever found that makes me want to cry.