My new piece....and some updates...

Updates on me and sprite...

She's fine and everything is normal. Her endoscopy went really well according to the doctor and she's completely healthy. We go back next month to see if maybe her excessive chewing and difficulty swallowing is a result of an allergy of some kind. Thats it.

I cant tell you how relieved and frustrated I was when he told me that he found nothing and she was normal. Not that I was looking for something to be wrong with her I just wanted an answer. My biggest fear is that something is wrong and they wont find it before something goes really wrong or that her symptoms are a result of something much much bigger and life threatening. It scares me to think that they cant find anything, and that for all intents and purposes she's normal.

I'm a mother I worry. It doesn't help that my favorite show is Mystery Diagnosis. I'd laugh except she's still having the mysterious fevers that are low grade but still there out of the blue for no reason. one minute her temp will be 97.3 (her normal core temp) then before you know it she'll have a temp of 99.8 or 100 or some such and those fever's aren't something that you can take her to the doctor for or give medicine for either. So their just there, and they knock her out. Knock her out as in sleeps for a few hours then by the time she wakes she's perfectly fine and her temp is back down to 97.3.

Her swallowing is better she doesn't seem to chew till her food liquefies though she's still really slow when it comes to eating and it still takes her an hour where everyone else may take 30mins. But the doctors say she's normal. I have to trust them don't I?

Anyway My life is uncomplicated and boring aside from Sprite I have no life, lol.

I've been spending a lot of time with my new friends who are almost as boring as me, but not quite. So I've not been home or online in a long time. Oh the horror.

My god daughters are doing wonderful I've been with them all weekend and oh how i missed their faces and their noise. Sprite had a great time there and cried when we left today. Poor pitiful thing.

I wrote a new piece today. *applause* Thank you thank you *bows*

Its a three part monologue done with three people 2males and one female. I like it but it makes me cry when i read it to myself so ware your eyes and bring along some tissues, lol.

I don't have a title for it yet so if you think of one let me know as i need help with that. Usually i start with a title but this time I'm having a bit of difficulty. I've posted this on BBC to my DS girls so i hope i get some feedback and will have a title soon. Please feel free to leave suggestions and feedback on this as its new and I'm not quite certain what to think about it.

Think of it as there being a spot light on each during their part while the others remain dark until their parts. They're all being interviewed by the DA.

The colors are to show different characters. the blue is a man, the black is a man and the green is a woman.

A little background a friend of mine's had a cousin beat (not to death) but bad enough to be hospitalized and the husband of the cousin went to jail and is now not allowed to see his children or his wife again (judge ordered) he beat her that badly. I met them twice but didnt know them. The monologue that i'm talking about in the monologue is"A Good man" if you read my blog you've read it, the poem is mine too its "Obsession" this you also should have read if you've read my blog. Vivienne is me.

How does it feel…I wonder…to lose control of yourself in a way that you can not come back from? Do you know? I wonder if he lost himself and the only way to find it was to rage until he shattered all that mattered to him.

He committed emotional suicide you know. He can never come back from this. He was my brother, my friend and I loved him as such, even though he’s not blood, I loved him, and I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

You know when me and Wendell we’re friends we did some of the craziest shit you could ever think of. (Laughs bitterly) we used to shoplift from the corner store just so that Mr. Harold behind the counter would cuss and chase us down the street. I knew even then he had problems but I never thought he’d be capable of this. This baffles me. I GREW up with him. I thought I knew him, but how could…(cries)

We all thought we knew him Mr. District attorney. We never thought he’d beat her to death. I mean all we saw in the last 7 years were a couple bruises, the worst was a black eye and a bruise on her hip never this. He was coming around. We had been waiting SHE had been waiting for him to change, that’s the whole reason she stayed, because she new that he had it in him to be a good man, a worthy man. She believed in him that much. He was going to a therapist learning how to talk through is anger, and insecurities. He was looking for a way out of the pain and the rage. I guess he never found it.

What? No he never hurt, or abused the children. He loved them, never would he have done anything to them. He was a good father to them. I should hate him for this. We should all hate him for this, but how do you hate someone you’ve loved so long? How does it feel I wonder to hurt so bad that the only way to feel anything besides hurt is to hurt the person closest to you?

How did it feel? When? When I kicked her? When I hit her? When I killed her? (shrugs) does it matter? She’s gone, and its all her fucking fault, the bitch. Why couldn’t she just accept that I’ve changed? She had to belittle me and accuse me and be wary. WHY? She never could trust me.

No, Mr. District Attorney I didn’t want to kill her. I just wanted her to hurt as much as I hurt. As much as she hurt me, why couldn’t she see that I just wanted to love her and I wanted her to love me? I was TRYING to be better to be something other than I always had been with her. I wanted to change for myself and for her. I didn’t want my kids to grow up the way I did seeing their dad be abusive. I was TRYING to be better. To do better, but did she accept that? NO! She wanted me to take SHIT from her. ME take shit? NO I give shit I don’t take it. Our friends told me to TAKE IT, because she’d taken it from me for so long, what are they crazy? You want to know how it started? Okay I’ll tell you.

She was getting ready to go to work and all I did was ask her a simple question, okay. I asked “Hey call me on your break okay?” and she had to be a bitch about it and be SMART about it and say “Why so you can check up on me and make sure I’m not sleeping with anybody?” Really?! REALLY?! The bitch! Like she had a right to question me? I was the one who had to question HER.

You know I almost walked away, I really did but then she said, “I’m not calling you Wendell. So forget it.” The last thing I remember before I hit her was that she looked like she was going to say something else but WHAT did she have to say that would make it better? All I wanted was a simple phone call after her shift at the factory. That’s it. Is it too much to ask of her husband for his wife to call him during her break?

Bitch.

That sorry son of a bitch, I was his friend. I loved him and I was trying to counsel him on his marriage to my sister. He was my brother I loved him like a brother, and he killed her and in killing her he killed himself. How am I supposed to explain to their kids that they have to live with grandma and grandpa because daddy killed mommy, huh? They’re 5 and 3 how are they supposed to understand this? I don’t understand this.

He promised he was getting help for his anger and his rage. I guess it didn’t help did it? He was my best friend and I trusted him with my sister’s life and he took it from her after 7years of marriage and 2 kids.

Did he explain why? Did he tell you why he beat her to death Mr. District attorney? I want to know why. I want to be able to explain this to my mother. I want her to know why she doesn’t have a daughter any longer. No? He didn’t give a reason? But there has to be a reason, there has to be. The man shattered a toilet there has to be a reason for that much anger.

But no it’s just like Wendell to not say anything when it really matters. You know my wife’s friend was over the last time we saw Wendell and Lauren. She’s a writer and brought over a monologue and poem that she had written for my wife to read and get her opinion on and during it she thought it was odd that Wendell got up in the middle of the poem and left the room and didn’t come back till the reading of both was over.

I told her that she was seeing too much and it was probably nothing. I wonder know how he felt to hear his own thoughts. What do I mean? Well my wife’s friend wrote a monologue about an abused woman talking to a police officer and telling why she wouldn’t leave her husband. The poem was about an abusive relationship from a husband’s point of view and telling how obsessed he was with her and why she needed to die.

It was very dark and powerful, now I see it as foreshadowing as to what was to come but how were we to know?

How were we to know that he’d do this to his family? How were we to prevent something like this? How do you ask that? There was no way to know this would happen.

My friend? What friend? My writer friend? What does Vivienne have to do with this? Oh my husband told you about her monologue and poem? Why? Yes I remember Wendell getting up and walking away during the middle. I didn’t think anything of it why? She thought it was strange? She didn’t tell me. She told Pierce? Why? How in the HELL do you think that someone who didn’t even know Wendell well would be able to know when he’s acting odd and we, who have known him his whole life didn’t realize that he was headed for a breakdown.

How could she of all people have seen this when we didn’t? Oh God…how did we not see?

How could she not see that I loved her and wanted to change for her and our family. I was so angry with her. I wanted her down and broken like she’d made me.

What have I done?! Laura I’m sorry! Laura! Please! I’m sorry…you shouldn’t have…you shouldn’t have…What was I to do, huh? Oh God… how do I take it back.

My kids how will my kids understand that I did love her more than anything but it was to much…too much. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t breath, she suffocated me just by being, she took my breath, my love, my whole being. She had to give some back Mr. District Attorney do you understand? She. Had. To. Give. Some. Back. I couldn’t breath.

Please, please, let me see my kids let me talk to them and tell them that I did love her I do love her. She was everything to me. Oh God what have I done…

LAURA………………Please baby…………please…I’m so sorry. (Sobs)

I’m sorry Laura. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner. He was my friend, and I loved him, I’m so sorry I failed you. You will always be my baby sister and I your big brother, Laura, I didn’t protect you, and for that I’ll always be sorry.

Oh, God Laura, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Please Laura forgive us where ever you are forgive us for being so blind.

He actually listened.....

Okay took Sprite to the doc this morning,(for those that don't know Sprite has been having some reflux and bowel movement issues for more than a year now we've been going to a Gastrointerologist since May 2010 trying to find out why she keeps having these issues. I've been reluctant to put anything about it here until we had SOMETHING from the docs office to say other than oh she's just constipated and give her a stool softener. Or its just reflux give her this. Well Today I feel validated and listened to and this is why) and I realized why I've been going back even though the nurse practitioner makes me feel like a dumb ass!

HE'S A GOOD DOC AND HE LISTENS!

He actually listens to everything I say not just bits and pieces nor does he ignore anything.

when i told him about the diarrhea and the constipation and that the only way I've found to get her to be even remotely regular BM wise is to give her the miralax every other day rather than everyday he listened.

When i told him about the irregular fevers the lethargy and the continuation in choking that she's had of late he listened and i didn't feel like i was making up the symptoms.

He told me that since she's been on the acid reflux med for the choking, nausea, vomiting (nausea and vomiting stopped before august when choking started), for more than 6mos, he said he wanted to do an upper endoscopy to see if there was any inflammation of her esophagus and upper GI tract.

He said that was the next step. He said that he wanted to rule out any problems with her esophagus and upper GI tract. He said that the choking could be anything from her throat not closing well to allergies (food or environmental) or Esophagitis which is something about an inflammation of the esophagus.

So on the 14Th he's going to do and Endoscopy and stick a tube down her throat and take biopsy's of her esophagus to rule out those things or find them.

The miralax he wants me to give in teaspoons (which i had been doing) but in smaller doses so that she's taking it everyday without having too loose (diarrhea) stools or to hard stools (constipation)

Her weight he's not to concerned about but wants to keep a watch on because she's been the same weight now for about 4-6mos now and not gaining an ounce and that's not normal since she's gaining in inches. So I'm to watch her on that just in case it starts to go down or fluctuate again.

That coincided with the ped's evaluation because when she went for her 4yr old check and shots they made the remark that she hadn't gained in a while and that i may want to start the pediasure back again before she slips back under the growth chart.

He mentioned the fevers and asked me what the ped thought about the fevers and i told him that the ped took blood for tests and all came back negative. He said that while he didn't know what could be causing the low grade fevers it could be the esophagitis that's causing it if she has it because of the inflammation of her esophagus, but if it isn't then he really didn't know what it could be and if i was really worried about it i could suggest that the ped refer her to the infectious disease doc and they could figure out what and why the fevers keep coming back.

He asked about the ex ray's she's had and when i told him about the nurse having us walk, run around the room a half a dozen times to get the chalky milk into her intestines for a look he took that seriously and not as if i had lost my mind and told me that that was just another reason for him to order the endoscopy because that too could be another concern.

I could marry that man he listened so well......I remembered why i kept pushing when i saw him and realized that i wasn't a quack after all.

It was a good appt. He felt of dd's belly and determined that she was good got her to say "Ahhhhh" but what he really did that i was amazed by was that he LISTENED when i talked and he didn't look at me like i had Münchhausen's for mentioning the symptoms of MY CHILD.

I love him. I heartily dislike his NP though.

Thats all from me today i hope you like this story of mine.... The different fonts are different characters, old lady in Red, young man in black and the mirror in Green....

Odessa Downs

In an empty room full of memories an old woman lies on a hospital bed in her home and watches as her family comes to grips with the fact of her death. I hang there against the wall ignored as the people around me wallow in their grief. I who am reflective of beauty reflected hang’s here to reflect the feelings of the faces that I see and of the people who look up and see their faces in me. It is touching and heartwarming, I suppose, but if not for me would they see their faces in grief? I’m sure that if I had my own feelings instead of only reflecting them I would cry, yet glad I am that I cannot because if I did it would only ruin my marvelous shine. Being only a mirror whose emotions are a reflection of others emotions that are reflected on me I suffer their pangs and wish rather for happy times again. I watch as the old woman’s youngest granddaughter, her name sake, at the age of ten comes in to sit with her. I hang there on the wall and watch as Odessa opens her eyes and starts to speak, and still no one has come to look in on me!

“All my life I wondered what an Odessa looked like and I assume she must look like me simply because that is my name, although it took me many years to come to that realization. The reason for that is because I figured an Odessa would be some exotic princess in a tower waiting on a prince to come to her rescue. I just knew that I wasn’t one of those women, because when I was in the second grade I got into a lot of trouble for defending my little brother. I was very angry, and my mother took me aside and told me that while it is okay to stand up for someone it is very wrong to give him a black eye and a bloody lip,” She laughed.

I watch the exchange in my glorious gilt frame as her son come into the room and stared into me with his wide gypsy dark eyes and sharp handsome features. I think if I wore to be human looking like him would suit me well.

ZZZZ

Watching mama laugh with Dessie like she wasn’t minutes away from death was hard. She’s strong my mama. She’s always been that way. When I was little she seemed bigger than life, because she could do so much and yet she made it all look easy. I wonder now how she did it. I wish I had that know how.

I turn away because looking at them makes me sick to my stomach. I stare at mama’s nightstand and there is a porcelain ballerina there that just takes me back ….to her…her hair was pulled back as I watched her dance for the kids. Long…forever long legs that jumped and swayed to the music. The prettiness of her hair a smoky black…no, not black….red, a fiery, hot rod, red. My wife’s hair is black, black as night with a high shine almost blue in color. Long beautiful hair…hair that begs to be touched…loosened…a long blue black curtain. Hair so glossy and thick I thought….sometimes…I could see myself….like in mama’s favorite mirror.

||||

He looks at me like he wants to see inside me. It’s a funny look, I think, not like the rest of them. He looks pensive. Like he has more than his mother’s death on his mind, and by looking into me he can resolve those feelings. The feelings that are reflecting in me are not the sad almost desolate ones that I have experienced so far with the mourning family but almost like confused sensuous feelings. I don’t know what he is thinking but if I could make a guess it has nothing to do with death or his mother. No one in the whole house has deigned to come and look at me or even admire themselves in me. I feel so useless in times like these. It’s almost like being invisible only I can’t be invisible I am a mirror and I reflect and that in itself makes me quite visible. I am most remarkable when the sun hits me just right from the massive floor to ceiling windows off to the right of the room, you can see my reflective surface and my gilded frame shine gloriously. I am glad that Odessa wanted the large windows put in when she finally got too sick to leave the house anymore. I used to have to rely on the overhead lighting which was minimal at best so it really did nothing for my gilt or shine. It really is a remarkable sight and the fact that no one is remarking me at all astounds me and if I was person and not a beautiful thing I would be furious. Ah to be more than I am, but of course if I were I wouldn’t be so remarkable as I am now so I’d best be satisfied.

The room used to be a large living room and I just the ornamentation, but as Odessa’s health started to fail this room became her sanctuary and prison….until the windows. They over look her favorite part of the house. The garden, she calls it her enchanted garden because it looks half hazard with no rhyme or reason but it is lovely even I have to say so some of it is always reflected in me the red of the roses, the softness of the grass, and the broken rock paths make the garden look old mazelike and enchanted. He’s not looking at me this Jason. He now watches his mother intently, and as he does I now reflect the whole room instead of just him, because he becomes part of the whole. I listen….

“So by the time I was in the fifth grade I knew I wasn’t the type of person to wait on things to come to me or allow someone else to do it for me. I found that my name and my disposition was so in conflict with what I thought an Odessa should be that I asked my mother why she named my Odessa. She said,

‘Why I named you Odessa ? Well, when you were born I had the name Sophia Grace, and I thought it would be a perfect name for a girl child. But when you were born you had such vigor, such fierceness to you that you seemed almost belligerent and angry that someone had taken you from all that you had known thus far. That I had someone bring me a name book and found that Odessa means full of wrath in Greek and The Odyssey in Ukrainian. So I chose the name Odessa Felicity, because you were so angry when you were born and Felicity because I will always wish for your happiness.’

Happiness….yes, mama always thought of our happiness. I was happy with Kathleen…I was happy with Maureen…Not was… am…never was. God, Kathleen with her glamour and beauty. All that cinnamon colored hair and cute freckles in the most eye-catching places…ha ha ha…sunkissed skin…no wait that is Maureen….Kathleen’s skin is milky and soft with freckles. How much do I love her freckles? Let me count the ways. Oh, and her eyes, those fathomless green eyes like grass in the summer.

Maureen has great eyes, eyes that go from light to dark blue like the Oklahoma sky in spring. Not like Kathleen’s eyes her eyes are a shocking green like dyed leaves on plain flowers. Such happiness with Maureen. Such love with Kathleen, she was bright and oh how she laughed, deep and sultry…or was that Maureen’s laugh? Yeah, Maureen’s laugh was deep as her blue eyes, and Kathleen’s laugh was as light as her blue eyes…wait…no…yes I was right Kathleen’s eye’s are blue….so blue. Dessie looks like her mother, but she has my eyes…my mama’s eyes…deep…black…mirrored eyes.

¹¹¹¹

He’s looking at me again. Ooooohhhhh, it invigorates me when he looks at me so intently. It fair to gives me the shivers. If I could shiver that is. The way he looks is quite remarkable, black hair, black eyes and skin so creamy and golden, like antique gold dark with definition. He is a glorious specimen of humanity and I will say again that if I were to ever be human he would be a wonderful rendition of me. All of the emotion that flits in and out of his eyes and across his face. I am just dizzy with the many convoluted things creeping in an around his face. Alas none of those feelings have to do with the dying woman lying in bed in front of him. I feel for Odessa she is old and expects for her family to grieve for her and while the majority are doing that it’s her oldest who won’t or who doesn’t. His callousness towards the fate of his mother is something I think that my lend him just enough devilishness to make him not only handsome but intriguing as well. Whatever problems that he has they are consuming his psyche and his mother is just an afterthought. Just look at him now. He stands in the door way looking from his mother to his daughter and then behind him toward his wife and finally he keeps eying the little Victorian ballerina on the table. Thinking and looking everywhere but at and about his mother. Ohhhh….the self centeredness…..if he was half as caring as I was he would listen and listen well to his mother’s last words. I know I do….

“So I guess my mother naming me what she did was a very good choice because while I did come into the world angry and wrathful. I ended up finding my happiness not only within myself and my name but with everything else in my life, such as my husband children and grandchildren. And now being at the end of my life I can finally see that my name chronicled my life that started off full of anger and wrath, then to send me on a journey where I ended up finding an unexpected happiness in my life, my husband and family.

She has it right mama does, it’s all about family with Kathleen, no Maureen. Yeah, I should stay with Maureen and Dessie that’s family, my family, but what about Kathleen? I can’t leave her. She needs me. She loves me. Why should I give her up? I love them both.

We should probably have another baby that would keep her busy; while I go to Kathleen and make sure she knows that I have fixed things with Maureen.

Look at him, his happiness is mine and I shine. Oh, to have someone look on me now they would know how wondrously glorious it is to be me.

Yes! That’s it, it’s so easy. Why didn’t I think of it before? I can have both. Mama would be proud to know that not only will I find happiness but I’ll also have my family. Kathleen will be my happiness and Maureen and Dessie are my family. Solving the problem was stressful in that it was so easy. I felt tears on my face and saw Maureen walk my way and offer her shoulder. I hugged her and told her that I loved her, which is too true. I cried.

Awwwwwe…..how sad Jason is crying with his wife. Ohhhhh…..the everlasting joy, this is one of those moments where if I could cry I most definitely would. Odessa looks up at her son and says in the her softest, breathless voice,

“Don’t be sad for me. Tell them all not to be sad. This had to come and I’m glad it was sooner than later. After all what is a life full of journey if it doesn’t end with another. That’s all death is the final journey. The journey into forever. Don’t be afraid; never be afraid of a journey.”

After the whispered words are said Odessa looks my way and gives a small wink and I feel a relief so great I could have floated away on a cloud. Ah…to be so free. She doesn’t move again and word gets out that she has finally passed. The sadness in the house now is palpable and even Jason now shows his mother proper respect by kissing her on the forehead and saying his final goodbyes, and for as long as I am around to bear witness the family rallies around Odessa’s final words.

“Don’t be afraid; never be afraid of a journey.”

So I've been down...

But now that Christmas is over I'm starting to bounce back a bit. I'm writing in purple this time to show my beginning change of attitude, lol.



I have new friends who are good for me and bad for me at the same time but whats life without a little complications to make life interesting. I can't really go into it here but their nice people at heart but going through some things that include and exclude me all at the same time, lol. And that of course tells you a shitload doesnt it?



Sprite's schooling is going well. This week I never had more than 9children in my class of 17 because they were all out with fever/virus and it was alternately good and bad. Good because less children means less stress bad because I miss my kids.....shocking I know but I love those little buggers even though I'm ready to strangle some of them by the end of the day!



My writing isn't coming along as I've not been home 5days in a row to get my thoughts organized let alone get anything written so you will have to make due with something from my writings past, lol.



For Christmas Sprite made out like a bandit! She got the leapster Explorer along with the camera attachment. The tag reader, a Baby Tiana doll, clothes, a Lalaloopsy doll that I love :), and many more things that dont come to mind, lmao.........needless to say stressing over christmas was pointless.



For myself one set of friends got me a Tea set, the pot along with the cups and saucers!!! SO excited you cant even imagine how excited I was to recieve them. I requested the pot but didn't really think I'd get it you know and thought I'd purchase it for my birthday but NO i got it and the cups and saucers that went with it!!!!!!!

This is it though the set i got was creamcolored not yellow and it only came with 2cups and 2saucers instead of 4 of each. I can't tell you how much I love my new friends for this since I've been eyeing this teapot for months without the money to get it for myself, lol!!!

Another set of friends got me another Teapot along with the sugar and cream pots too it's a tall rectangular teapot thats white with black demask roses and vines on it its beautiful and romantic I think. I couldn't find a pic on the net of it so you'll have to use your imagination.

I'm in a strange mood since Christmas. I feel somewhat sad and romantic all at the same time and seem to want to listen to Evanescence and Avant at the same time almost constantly and if i can't then slow and romantic jazz or any sad song will do.

I don't really know what to do with this mood other than to dream with it and use it as a muse toward my writing somehow. I think it has something to do with my new friends mostly because I see their relationship and its as close to Cliff and Claire as I've found in real life besides my Aunt Cynthi and Uncle Virgil or my Aunt Teresa and Uncle Dewar. Seeing them dote on eachother or rather watching the husband dote on the wife and the affection between the two seems to leave me wanting the same for myself, though where I'm to find it is anyones guess.

I still want a baby so bad I dream of children all night and wake up smelling babypowder. I can't go into a store with out going down the baby isle smelling the scents and touching the little outfits. Oh, the longing for a child and to be pregnant is eating me up inside slowly I think and is also causing my strange mood.

I catch myself smiling at a remebered dream of a baby nursing at my breast and when I come out of the daydream I have to catch myself from crying and feeling loss.

Pathetic isn't it when the only thing to keep you from pregnancy, and a child is the one thing vital for reproduction. A mate.

My birthday is coming soon and I'll be 27 years old and if it wasn't for my wonderful Sprite I'd be childless. For that I will always thank her mother for giving her to me, but that is all I will thank her for.

I look for a mate in every male face that passes me on the street, store, school. I wonder if just by looking into the eyes of a stranger if we will recognize eachother or not.

I pray everynight for the one person that is the other half of me and will give me the children I so desperately need. I wonder as well if i dont also need the companionship and the security of Marriage and if that is the reason why I can't just go sleeping with just anyone to beget a child. I want my children to have a father and if thats not physically possible I atleast want them to have the legacy of his handsome face or a good personality.

They will be beautiful my children because they will be mine.

I think I'm becoming obsessed though with finding a mate and with having a child. I'm determined to have a child this year or at least be pregnant before winter. *crosses fingers*

I was sick today and yesterday with fever and while i think the worst has passed it seems to have passed quickly so I wonder if the fever isn't biding its time and waiting on me to let my guard down to come back full force and sky high. I hope not and am drinking plenty of green tea and orange juice to combat it but you never know with sickness as it seems to have a mind of its own.

My friend Dani sent me a card for christmas and it was beautiful and I loved it! It cheered me up for a full week just to think she remembered me and sent me something!

From my best friend and her husband got me 2 wooden prints of Michael Jackson, a Snuggie :) (that came in handy while driving and waiting on the car to warm). I was hesitant about the snuggie because well it just seemed rediculous to buy a blanket with arms but hey it comes in handy, pun in tended, lol.

I bought presents for everyone I could think of and then those I forgot, lol. I think I spent more money this christmas than ever on christmas's past.

For dirty santa at work I made a romantic sex basket, lol. It had 2wine glasses a small mirror that holds 3small candle roses, and some goodies from christies toybox *snicker*. I got a small flat basket from Hobby Lobby along with some red tuille to wrap it in and a red ribbon it was soo good I wanted to keep it but I have no one to share it with and I made sure it was for a couple instead of a single person since all the ladies I work with are married.

So christmas was great new years was typical watched movies with a friend we didn't make it to midnight and I slept through the ball drop and no kiss for me during the final seconds of the year change. Sad I know.

I did watch the lunar eclipse and that to me was absolutely magical to me. I swear I'm becoming more pagan everyday though my roots are Baptist, lol. It was magnificent the eclipse and at that moment I wished I was some kind of witch or wiccan so that I could cast a spell for my mate to find me. Now that would have been worth writing about. But alas I didn't and was powerless to do anything but say a mental prayer of finding. Though I'm sceptical anyones listening.

You know I've said it before and I'll say it again "I do believe I was either born in the wrong time period or my mate and I have crossed paths only to miss eachother in time."

It's hard to believe that I even have a mate and its likely that I'll go through life half full and with a feeling of loss. I should travel the world and one day I will but I wonder if it will be a last ditch effort on my part to find the other half of myself.

Now thats something to wonder...while I wonder about that you can wonder about Lotus

Forbidden Children

My name is Lotus and I was born into a world were Evil is forbidden. The scientists of my world have made a kind of Utopia of a sort. Evil is found within from birth. Sometimes Evil is found before birth.
The doctors and scientists have perfected a way to locate what they call the "Damien Strain". It is the Gene inside you that makes you think bad thoughts. It is the devil on your shoulder. It is the voice in which it is almost impossible to resist...............I should know I live with it everyday.
I have found a way to hide My Evil by becoming what is know as an Acceptable Evil Entity or the AEE, but we of the AEE call ourselves Belladonna. We are the flowers of evil.
Belladonna is the women and girls that have been found to have the "Damien Strain" and have been trained as assassins of others with DS. Women with DS have been shown to be just as evil as the men with DS only we are controllable. As long as WE live we can overcome anything and anyone, and one day we will prevail.
My name is Lotus and I was born into a world were evil is forbidden. I am also 9years old. This is my story

What to do.......

What to do when you feel lonely? Seek out company right? Well what do you do when you only have 3 in real life friends and they're all busy with their families. Well I write and listen to music when I'm lonely and in need of companionship of the adult kind, lol. Sounds pathetic I know but its all I've got as of now.

I love my Sprite I really do but there is only so much 3yearold companionship that I can handle especially when all they talk about is Dora, Caillou, or someother cartoon. I love it when she makes up stories or wants to read with me but when you spend all your days with 17 three yearolds and very little adult converstation it gets tiring and lonely in this world of mine.

I've made new friends, parents of a couple of my students, and while I love them as they are as weird as I am (and in someways weirder, LOL) they seem to get me, so far, and accept me as ME! Which is all that is required of a friend really.

I bought a new dress and this is me in it!!!!

What do you think? One of my friends says she didn't like it but she only saw this pic so she needs to see it in person! Everyone else said that they LOVE it on me and that I look great in it! I got it from Avon by the way if your interested in buying one for yourself, lol.

I was reading a favorite blog of mine called "Mila's Daydreams" I'm sure you've heard of it :) and the author of the blog has written, with the help of her husband, a lullaby for her daughter Mila that was soooo compelling to me that I had to write a story about it!

It's a beautiful story that I will post here after I have gotten approval from Adel Enersson for writing a story about her lullaby. I want her to have approval whether I post the story or not because of the people who have been stealing photo's of her daughter and posting them without her permission. So out of respect for her talent I asked her to read my story and approve it and then to allow me to publish it to my blog.

You have no idea what a release it was to have the inspiration to write something as I haven't had the energy or wherewithal to write anything new for a long time. It's so freeing to beable to have a story, character in your mind and then to get it all on paper just as you see it in your head. Its freeing to me to have an outlet for the voices in my head that try to tell me about themselves.

If you don't know what its like picture a thing that you want or a song that makes you smile and then imagine that the thing you want is sold out or the song that you heard once or twice and fell in love with only to never hear it again. Then imagine that that thing came up for grabs at a discounted price and you were able to afford it or that the song that had haunted you for days/weeks/months finally came out on cd and you finally got to hear it again after so long. Doesn't it make you smile? Doesn't it give you a release so profound that you become inordinantly proud of it that you have to show it off or play it for everyone that comes around.

THAT is what its like to have stories/voices/characters in your head and to finally get them on paper in a way that makes the imagery in your head worthwhile, and sometimes, sometimes its better on paper than it ever was in your head:)

You all will have to settle for something thats not my new story till I get approval from Mrs. Enersson but when you do get to read it it will be worth the wait.

This painting is by Berthe Morisot and was my inspiration for the story below as it was my humanities homework, :)

Anticipation

I will never understand or know why he picked me that night, but I thank God everyday that he did. Still, even now I always wonder ‘What did he see in me that made me ‘the one.’ Do you know why, because I don’t know why a man of thirty-five would choose to marry a girl of sixteen? I see myself as I did then a girl frightened to death of what was to come, but hoping to please an unpleasant father.
You see then it was a happy time for the world was young and the industrial age just beginning. Women wore dresses, gloves and hats on a daily basis, and oh, how I longed to be one of them when I grew up. Then when it happened I wanted to go back. Back to the care free days of when I was a child watching my brothers and sisters playing and laughing. Being the youngest of five I was spoiled and cherished….until.
Until the fever came and I and my father the only survivors. To this day I don’t think he ever forgave me for that. For being his only living daughter and not his only living son. I had a nanny from then on along with untold tutors. I was taught well and given everything a girl needed but not wanted. I was tutored to become a lady and a lady I became. Then I turned sixteen and it was time for me to marry.
On the day I was to meet my betrothed my father said,
“I have done my duty by you Daughter. Now it is your turn to do your duty by me. Gibe me grandsons. I need an heir for I refuse to leave everything to some pea witted female.”
I could only stare as he left my room, and when Nanny came to me I cried. She calmed me and held me close and when my tears finally dried I said,
“Oh, Nanny, It’s horrible. He doesn’t care. I realize that now. He only cares about a male heir. You heard what he said to me. Now I’m afraid he’s paid some man to be the stud to my brood mare. Oh, I hate him. I do. I hate them all.” I looked up and Nanny looked at me with sad eyes that knew and saw too much, and I felt guilty. Guilty and ashamed like I had betrayed the memory of my family somehow by saying those words. I don’t’ remember what Nanny said to me after that but I do know that it made me feel as if the new life I was getting would be better than the one I was leaving.
When nanny left I dressed myself not waiting for the maid for now I was filled with anticipation for the life that I know could not be worse than the one I was living. I stood in front of the mirror for long moments wondering ‘What will he see in me? Will he see me or only what he wants to see? Will he like me? Will I fall madly in love like one of Nanny’s stories?’ all the thoughts that go on in a young girls head when meeting with a man.
I stood in front of the mirror thinking all those rampant thoughts until I found the courage to walk down the stairs. Now that I look back it was the worst and best day of my life. I got a loving husband and I left the only person to ever love me after the tragic deaths of my mother and siblings, my Nanny, all at once. It was bittersweet day. A year past before my father finally got his wish for a grandson, but he never lived to see him born. In the end he had to leave everything to me ‘a pea witted female.’ I and my husband had three children two sons and a daughter. She is the very image of me who, I found out later, is the very image of my mother. This I found out while going through the things in my fathers house. A painting done of my mother when she was but a girl looking at it made me see what my father always did when he looked at me, my mother. I looked closer and there was a plaque on the front of the painting that titled it “Anticipation” and described “the Painting of Lilith on the eve of her wedding.”
As I looked at this painting I remembered staring at myself the very same way when I was to meet my husband Marshall. And after all these years of having a happy and love filled life despite my father, or maybe because of him, I still wonder if he ever saw me for me, or remembered my name. Maybe I looked too much like my beloved mother, his wife, for him to stand the sight of me. I don’t know and I never will. He never addressed me as anything but “Daughter.” Even on his death bed he called me “Daughter” and not by name. So when I look at this beautiful painting of my mother and think of the way I felt and looked at myself in the mirror on that fateful day it makes me think of my father and I want to scream at him and say,
“My name is’ Kaythrine’ Father not ‘Daughter’ remember! Remember when I was your little Kaytie Kat! Remember!”
Of course I can do no such thing, and will never do it, because I was tutored to be a lady and a lady I became.

They age its true! :`(

They Age oh why do they age!!!! My Goddaugther Anne whom I have helped to raise since she was born turned 7 this Saturday and I am utterly heartbroken. Why do you ask? Because my baby is all grown up!!!! I swear that I tear up on all my babies birthday's and let me tell you that is a lot of birthdays for I have helped to raise 10 (count them with me)10 Children. Every since my sister had her first kid when I was twelve I've helped to care for them in one way or another. Not to mention I am the oldest grandchild on my father's side of the family. When ever anyone needed a babysitter it was Emerald to the rescue. So to count them, my cousin Shorty and my Niece Simi were born a month and 23days apart I was 12when they were born. Oh the many days I spent cuddling, cooing and potty training them. They were my first pair to potty train. I was so grossed out! As any normal 14year old would be as they were 2 at the time. It was my first time to discipline, break up fights, kiss away tears and realize that anger at a 2year old is pointless because they forget faster than you do so holding a grudge is pointless. These two loves of mine will be 15next spring! Oh how my heart pines for their little faces and their sweetness.

Next were my two cousins who are from different parents and a year apart. Hoshie and Dion. Dion was bossy and Hoshie was a sweetie pie who didn't like to be bossed. Oh how I remember when they were 3 and 2 and Dion came to tell me that Hoshie had hit her with a hanger. Well so I call him back to my room to ask him if it was true and would you know it that boy brought the hanger with him to show me that YES he did hit her but she told him that he couldn't go into the fridge and she wasn't the boss of him. I laughed inside.....then I gave them both swats and sent them to the corner. I went to the living room to find my Granny (who was supposed to be on toddler duty) what happened and she said "Well, I saw him hit her with that hanger but I just figured she'd hit him back!" Astonished!!! was all I could think mostly because "Why did they tell me when she was right there?"

So to torture them a bit I put on their favorite cartoon while they were in the corner just to watch them twitch, LOL! I'm mean and evil yes I know but out of it I got a cuddle from my Hoshieman (who had almost outgrown them by 3 and completely outgrew them by 5 *le sigh*) and a saucy "I'm tellin my momma" from Dion as she flounced out of the room when her time was up. OH, the times I had!! Those two are now 13 and 12.

My next child was in the midst of the above two, was my nephew I'll call him JADTH. I got to hold and cuddle him when he was born. Then got to help potty train him when he was 18mos then again got to see him grow to 4years old till he moved from my aunts house to my uncles house following some familial transgressions. He was so sweet and boy did he like the girls a bigger flirt I never did see. He will be 9 this December and boy how he's grown. *tears*

After my Nephew came my Niece when he was 4 she was born I'll call her Ryanne she was so my little baby sweetie pie and another flirt. THANK YOU SISTER! I got to help with her till she was almost a year then she too moved to my Uncles house. I hear they are doing well and I see pictures of them from time to time, but she's still just a baby in my mind. All my pictures of her in my house are from when she was 6mos to a year old. So smart, so good and she lived in the dorms with me and went to college with me for a few months before she moved away. I see her as much as I see my Nephew and while I miss them heartily I know where they are and I know their taken care of and that's enough. *sniff* She'll be 8 this February.

Anne was my next child and to this day I had never encountered a high needs baby more than my Anne. She cried oh boy did she cry! But still to this day when I look at her sleeping do I see the baby that was born 7years ago and does my heart melt. OH my babies all grown up and none of them know how much I adore them. (I cry as I type that because for a while they were MINE and boy do I love them.)

Kory was my next child my Sprite's older brother he's just turned 6 in August and I had him from the time he was six months off and on till he was almost 2 and once a year after till he turned 4. Such a good boy but what a bad reputation thanks to his Grandmother. She let him run amok and even still when she has him Amok does he run. They should have named him Chaos, lol. But with me he was such a good boy, and a sweet one to though rough with his sister when she was a baby but that was more exuberance than bad boy behavior. I miss him too! His baby face and chubby hands and feet. Oh he had the biggest feet and hands as a baby just as fat as they wanted to be. I never could get shoes on him not even when he started to walk.

Sprite was my 9Th child and her I still have and her I will keep. She is the very center of me I think. She is in everything I do, and she is in every thought I have. I've had her almost since birth and she's never been anywhere else. She will be 4 in December as well.

My 10Th child was Sprite's little brother, I'll call him QT, I got him when he was a year old and I lost him when he turned 2. I had him exactly a year this year in fact. April 10Th was his last day with me and his sister. His "father" and his "grandmother" (since they won't consent to a DNA test default dad still doesn't count with me but according to child support court it does with them. Hence the reason their in quotations) threatened me with legal action(read:kidnapping) and sending Sprite to foster care in order to get him away from me and into their home. I've since visited but he doesn't remember me or his sister and the last time I called he wouldn't even come to the phone. My heart broke for the little boy who used to cry if I went to the bathroom without him and it still breaks today when I go into the room that I decorated for him and his sister and see all of his clothes, toys and whatnot in the room that they never wanted or took. I don't cry anymore though sometimes I feel so sad it almost feels like I'm overtaken with grief. Other times its a softer kind of grief an ache almost though it throbs. He will be 3 in February 7days before my Niece Ryanne. How I will get through that only time will tell.

I have another Goddaughter that was born this year in May but unlike the others I don't think I'll be needed to HELP as much as I did the last time. So her I an enjoy and fulfill my god motherly duties wand in hand while her mother and father do the rest. For that I'm Grateful because the next child I raise from birth to school age will be from my own body and mine alone.


Anyway on the birthday front my Anne turned 7 this weekend and she made out like a bandit! I myself spent 70 dollars on her.... well more but lets round it off there. Unfortunately she is a Bieber (ick!!) fan and I just love to watch her get into a huff when I "confuse" *cough on purpose cough* with a girl!!!

Truthfully he does sound like a girl and he looks like one to so sometimes the confusion is genuine. What ever happened to boy singers that sound like boys/men? Have men become so in touch with their feminine side that they don't even change voice when they go through puberty anymore? *sheesh*

I got Sprite's wings in the mail today for All Hallows Eve, yay, and they are GORGEOUS!!! Her pettiskirts come in the mail in the next week or so and I got her some books off line that I thought were cute too they should also be in soon.

Have I mentioned I love to shop! Getting things in the mail is sooooooo lovely and it makes me feel special. Even if its not for me!

I finished the 3rd book in the Nicholas Flamel series and need to remember to let my bosses kid borrow it and I am now waiting for the 4Th and 5Th books to come out so I can be consumed between their pages. Such a good read that is!

Sprite has been her usual sprightly self and developing quite the attitude as well. What I am going to do with that child I don't know! But finding out should be fun!

On another note one of my fellow teacher's parents brought a SNAKE into class! *shudders* (nasty creatures) True it was in a jar but it gave me the willies all day! I kept expecting it to crawl up my leg, and it was only there for an hour, but still!!! EWWWWWWWWWW *gag*

Okay now I have to stop thinking about snakes or I'm going to have some bad dreams tonight! Lets see....................hmmmm................OH I know I dreamed about the Audubon book a few days ago and it was a good dream though weird. I dreamed I fell into the book and it wasn't just about birds but cathedrals too. Weird i say but I figured the cathedral's came from Pillars of the Earth that I just finished watching last week so maybe not weird at all.

Lately my dreams have not been vivid enough to remember as I usually slip into bed exhausted to the point of coma and not remembering any of the night. Which if you knew me is wildly unusual as I usually remember most of my dreams bazaar though they be.

I would also like to take the time to tell Holly thank you for the comment!!!!! I love comments so feel free EVERYONE to leave a comment when you read as it lets me know you actually read it!

Speaking of Bazaar here is another piece of mine I think you'll like. Inspiration for this came in the Alicia Keys song Unthinkable the day before she released the video for it talk about dual inspiration!!!!

Unthinkable

He looks at her and asks her persuasively,
"If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy?"
She looks at him eyes wide open and says to him with a sigh,
"I cant say i came prepared, though with this now before us i feel suspended in the air, and i dont know how to respond except to say ' If you ask me I'm ready'."
2days before

Celeste looked at her mother and wondered if the world stopped spinning would she even notice. Sometimes it seemed that her mother took her brother Kaide’s death to the marrow of her bones. Other times she could reminisce about her boy child who caused more problems than not. This unfortunately was one of the times Celeste thought her mother would never recover. This was one of the times that she wished she could shake her mother and tell her

“I’m here mother! Kaide has been gone for 2 years, I know it hurts but you still have me!”

She knew it wouldn’t work her mother was as stubborn in her grief as Celeste herself was at everything else. She shook her head sorrowfully and addressed her mother;

“Mama? I’m leaving Mama, okay? You take care of yourself while I’m gone.”
When she received no response she said;

“Mama, don’t do this, you know me and Jesse had a trip coming up like we do every year this time for our anniversary. Mama...Okay I’m leaving and I’ll have Mrs. Jenkins stop by and check on you while I’m gone, be good Mama. I love you.”

Celeste walked out of her mother’s house with a mix of feelings from sad for her mother, angry at her mother, to anxious about her trip with Jesse and finally guilt over thinking about a holiday away from her mother and her grief.

Driving across town to her condo that she shared with Jesse she thought about marriage and resolved to herself that when and if he asked her to marry him she was more than ready.

In her apartment she turned on some Alicia Keys and started to pack. She didn’t know why Jesse chose Colorado for their trip this year as they usually go somewhere tropical and sunny. Especially since it was November and cold as hell, she didn’t see the need to go somewhere else cold for a vacation. But, she thought, she doubted they’d even see the snow or the slopes, as she’d packed enough lingerie to keep him guessing for more than the 7days they’d be gone.

Laughing at that thought she dropped a white teddy into her suitcase as she heard the buzzer for her apartment from the lobby. Going over to the buzzer she said,

“Yes? Who is it?”
“It’s me knucklehead, let me up?” said the voice.
“Oh my goodness Tae is that you, boy?”
“Of course it’s me! You didn’t forget me while I was away did you?” Tae said as she buzzed him to come up to her apartment.

She stood in the doorway to her apartment as he came up the stairs. She rushed him and hugged him hard missing him as he’d left a month before running off with his sky diving instructor. She hadn’t heard from or seen him in that amount of time and she’d missed the man that was more brother than friend.

She followed him into her apartment after her enthusiastic greeting and said;

“So how’s your woman? And what has been going on?”
“Valerie is fine she and I have decided to get married next month…”
“Ah, so you want me to be your wedding planner? What does your Mama say about this?”
“If you’d let me finish a sentence you’d know these things. Yes, Valerie wants you to help with the wedding but I wanted to ask if you’d be my best man when I say ‘I do’. So will you?”
“Oh, Tae!!! Of course I’ll be your best woMan. How could I be anything else? Just as long as you remember that when its my turn you are going to be my Man of honor!!! Oh my god Tae your getting MARRIED!!!!” she squealed and hugged him again.

Tae thought he’d die of loss of oxygen this time when she hugged him so hard. She was jumping and hugging him when Jesse walked through the door.

“Jesse, you won’t believe it!!!! Tae is getting married and I’m going to be the best man!!!!” Celeste screamed in his ear as she transferred her abundance of affection from Tae to Jesse.

Putting his finger in the ear that she’d deafened he stuck his hand out in congratulations toward Tae. As Celeste grabbed Tae’s phone and called Valerie to start on the wedding plans Jesse and Tae slipped out the door to go and celebrate in the manner of men, with a beer.


1day before

Celeste looked over at Jesse as he slept. He was so beautiful to her silvery gray eyes closed in sleep, bone straight black hair falling into his face. He’d kept it long because she liked it though he wouldn’t let it get longer than his chin. She’d been with Jesse for 5years and loved how even after all these years she loved everything about him. She loved how they contrasted but balanced each other out.

Looking at her hand on his chest she noticed how she loved that even their skin tones contrasted each other, her dark to his light. Both of their hair was black and dense but where hers curled riotously his was bone straight. His eyes while silver gray would look at her black eyes and smile, well when he was awake that is.

Her stomach growled and she slipped, naked, from the bed and headed to the kitchen. Sex always made her hungry but sex with Jesse made her ravenous. Knowing that he’d be heading to the kitchen when he figured out she wasn’t with him she made him a sandwich as well. Before she could finish making her own sandwich she heard him bump into the walls on the way to the kitchen. Smiling because she loved how clumsy her big strong man was she finished what she was doing and waited for him to bumble into the kitchen.

“Ow, baby? Hey why are there so many walls in this cabin? I swear there weren’t that many before we went to bed,” he said as she handed him his sandwich.

“There aren’t that many walls in this cabin as its all open you just seem to bounce off of each one as you came from the bedroom, then the bathroom, you and your clumsy self,” she said as she walked past him into the living area. He smacked her on her bare bottom as she walked by and she glared at him in sultry retribution.

They went to the couch and settled, him close to her with her legs in his lap as they ate in companionable silence she halfway through her sandwich and he finishing his in all of 6 bites she shook her head and took another bite.

“Celeste, you know I love you, right?” Jesse said.

“Uh, oh, what’s wrong? Is your dad giving you a hard time again?” Celeste said as she knew he and his dad’s relationship had strained since their relationship started 5years ago.

“No, it’s not my dad. In fact he told me before we left that he knew I loved you and if I was going to marry you he was okay with it. So we’re good. No its just I feel that we should get married, but I want it to wait a while? Is that okay?” he said.

Feeling torn between saying NO she wont wait and feeling as if she should give in as long as the end result is them being together she said,

“Why do you want to wait? What’s stopping you?”
“I want to make sure that both our families are on board with us being married and having kids together. Now that my dad’s come around and your mom and my mom have become friends of a sort I want to make sure everything is how its supposed to be before we do this. I want everyone’s approval before we go the next step,” he said at length.

“What other’s approval do you need? Both of our families have given approval no one else is needed. Who else’s is standing in our way?” she said heatedly because she could see all her dreams of them crumbling around her.

“Your father’s approval is what we need,” he said knowing that this was going to send her over the edge.

“MY FATHER!!! HE has nothing to do with me, with us, and he’s never had anything to do with my life. Not since I was ten years old when he walked out on my mom, me and my brother. He didn’t even have the compassion, courage or WHATEVER needed to show to Kaide, his son’s, funeral 2years ago. Why, why, would he give his approval for us to get married or show up to the wedding to give me away? Why would you even think that he’d want to?” she said truly angry now.

“Baby, I know how he hurt you and your mom and brother and I know how much it hurt when Kaide died and your father didn’t show or even send word. I know all that, but call me traditional I want to ask him to marry you. Your mom’s given her approval, your brother gave me his approval before he died, saying that I was good for you. I need to do this even if it blows up in my face, because that’s how much you mean to me. Will you let me do this?” he asked.

Celeste didn’t say anything but sat there in a huff with her face turned away.

“I love you, and I want to do right by you and this to me feels right,” he explained further as she continued to huff and stare at the couch rather than at him.

“You’ll never find him,” she said not looking at him.

Jesse was looking at her and trying not to stare at her luscious curves sitting there next to him. She noticed him staring and crossed her arms to cover herself, and nearly stopped breathing because it pushed her breasts up. He tore his gaze from her breasts to look at the face that got more beautiful even when she was mad at him.

“I already have. He lives here in this little town at the top of a mountain. Why do you think I wanted to come here this year?” he said as she glared at him.

Celeste couldn’t believe that he’d risk their relationship on a man that didn’t bother to take care of his family. It was romantic she grudgingly admitted but she’d rather he just forgot about her father and moved on. She turned her head away from him and thought about his revelation.

She glanced at him as he started to stroke her leg and leaned down to kiss the top of her foot. When he looked up she turned her head sharply and ignored the fire starting in her belly.

Jesse saw that she was digging in her heals about her dad so he decided that his notion would need some persuasion. God he loved her more than he loved breathing with her dark skin and her curly hair made frizzy by his hands earlier that night. Getting up he grabbed her plate with its forgotten half of sandwich and tugged her off the couch, and while she muttered to herself about romantic idiotic sentiments he led her to the bedroom.

It wasn’t long before he had her laughing her sultry sexy laugh and saying his name on a sigh.


Present day

Celeste waited in the coffee shop as Jesse went to the house where her father lived to ask his permission to marry her. Celeste didn’t think she would ever be as wound up as she was right now. She didn’t know what her father would say, didn’t want to know if it wasn’t good or not. Nothing good could come of this she knew and she fretted.

2hours later Jesse showed up looking forlorn and sad. He picked her up at the coffee shop and took her back to the cabin. It was cold outside but Celeste didn’t feel a thing. When they stepped into the cabin and took off their outerwear Jesse took her to the couch and sat her down.

“Jesse just tell me now! I’m tired of waiting,” Celeste blurted.

“He said No, babe. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. You were right last night and I should have listened. H told me that he didn’t want anything to do with you or your mother and that when he left he never wanted to even think about you or your mother and brother. He also said that he would never give permission for his daughter to marry a high and mighty white man that the thought was unthinkable to him. Then he slammed the door in my face. God what a bastard he was. I stood there like an idiot not knowing if I wanted to kill him or just walk away, but I did. I walked away and it took me an hour in a half to come and get you mostly because I didn’t know what to say, or how to say it,” Jesse said looking at the silent tears stream down her face.

Celeste didn’t realize she was crying till he reached out and wiped the tears from her face. When she saw his hand pull away wet she sobbed, because her world was gone. Jesse would never marry her now. At that moment lightening could strike her father and she would laugh. Oh, her heart was breaking as Jesse took her in his arms and held her as she sobbed for their future.

When she stopped the light in the cabin had dimmed to twilight. Jesse kissed her brow and smoothed the curls on her head and when she looked at him. His face was still masked but resolute.

He looks at her and asks her persuasively,
"If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy, or would it be so beautiful?"
She looks at him eyes wide open and says to him with a sigh,
"I can’t say I came prepared, though with this now before us I feel suspended in the air, and I don’t know how to respond except to say ' If you ask me I'm ready'."
Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a green velvet covered box opened it and said,

“I’m asking.”