Final Rewrite!!!!!!

So excited!!! Love this version more than the last 2 so i need some title suggestions please!

How does it feel…I wonder…to lose control of yourself in a way that you can not come back from? Do you know? I wonder if he lost himself and the only way to find it was to rage until he shattered all that mattered to him.

He committed emotional suicide you know. He can never come back from this. He was my brother, my friend and I loved him as such, even though he’s not blood, I loved him, and I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

You know when me and Wendell we’re children we did some of the craziest shit you could ever think of. (Laughs bitterly) we used to shoplift from the corner store just so that Mr. Harold behind the counter would cuss and chase us down the street. I knew even then he had problems but I never thought he’d be capable of this. This baffles me. I GREW up with him. I thought I knew him, but how could… (Cries)

We all thought we knew him Mr. District attorney. We never thought he’d beat her to death. I mean all we saw in the last 7 years were a couple bruises, the worst was a black eye and a bruise on her hip, never this. He was coming around. We had been waiting SHE had been waiting for him to change, that’s the whole reason she stayed, because she new that he had it in him to be a good man, a worthy man. Shebelieved in him that much. He was going to a therapist learning how to talk through is anger, and insecurities. He was looking for a way out of the pain and the rage. I guess he never found it.

What? No he never hurt, or abused the children. He loved them; never would he have done anything to them. He was a good father to them. I should hate him for this. We should all hate him for this, but how do you hate someone you’ve loved so long? How does it feel I wonder to hurt so bad that the only way to feel anything besides hurt is to hurt the person closest to you?

How did it feel? When? When I kicked her? When I hit her? When I killed her? (Shrugs) Does it matter? She’s gone, and it’s all her fucking fault, the bitch. Why couldn’t she just accept that I’ve changed? She had to belittle me and accuse me and be wary. WHY? She never could trust me.

No, Mr. District Attorney I didn’t want to kill her. I just wanted her to hurt as much as I hurt. As much as she hurt me, why couldn’t she see that I just wanted to love her and I wanted her to love me? I was TRYING to be better to be something other than I always had been with her. I wanted to change for myself and for her. I didn’t want my kids to grow up the way I did seeing their dad be abusive. I was TRYING to be better. To do better, but did she accept that? NO! She wanted me to take SHIT from her. ME take shit? NO I give shit I don’t take it. Our friends told me to TAKE IT, because she’d taken it from me for so long, what are they crazy? You want to know how it started. Okay I’ll tell you.

Wendell get out of here. I’m trying to get ready for work. Why do you always do this? I can’t get ready for work by myself? What are you afraid that someone is going to steal me from the bathroom as I dress myself before I go to tuck our children to bed? GET OUT OF HERE! God why can’t you just LEAVE ME ALONE!

That’s right LEAVE! I can’t stand this you’re always watching me and keeping tabs on me and controlling everything. How do you think it feels to be so smothered and patronized and so distrusted?

(Scoffs) “Pfft, really? Why so you can check up on me and make sure I’m not sleeping with anyone? I’m not calling you Wendell so you can forget it…”

She was getting ready to go to work and all I did was ask her a simple question, okay. I asked “Hey call me on your break okay?” and she had to be a bitch about it and be SMART about it and say “Why so you can check up on me and make sure I’m not sleeping with anybody?” Really?! REALLY?! The bitch! Like she had a right to question me? I was the one who had to question HER.

You know I almost walked away, I really did but then she said, “I’m not calling you Wendell. So forget it.” The last thing I remember before I hit her was that she looked like she was going to say something else but WHAT did she have to say that would make it better? All I wanted was a simple phone call after her shift at the factory. That’s it. Is it too much to ask of her husband for his wife to call him during her break?

Bitch.

That sorry son of a bitch, I was his friend. I loved him and I was trying to counsel him on his marriage to my sister. He wasmy brother I loved him like a brother, and he killed her and in killing her he killed himself. How am I supposed to explain to their kids that they have to move because daddy killed mommy, huh? They’re 5 and 3 how are they supposed to understand this? I don’t understand this.

He promised he was getting help for his anger and his rage. I guess it didn’t help did it? He was my best friend and I trusted him with my sister’s life and he took it from her after 7years of marriage and 2 kids.

Did he explain why? Did he tell you why he beat her to death Mr. District attorney? I want to know why. I want to be able to explain this to my mother. I want her to know why she doesn’t have a daughter any longer. No? He didn’t give a reason? But there has to be a reason, there has to be. The man shattered a toilet there has to be a reason for that much anger.

But no it’s just like Wendell to not say anything when it really matters. You know my wife’s friend was over the last time we saw Wendell and Lauren. She’s a writer and brought over a monologue and poem that she had written for my wife to read and get her opinion on and during it she thought it was odd that Wendell got up in the middle of the poem and left the room and didn’t come back till the reading of both was over.

I told her that she was seeing too much and it was probably nothing. I wonder now how he felt to hear his own thoughts. What do I mean? Well my wife’s friend wrote a monologue about an abused woman talking to a police officer and telling why she wouldn’t leave her husband. The poem was about an abusive relationship from a husband’s point of view and telling how obsessed he was with her and why she needed to die.

It was very dark and powerful, now I see it as foreshadowing as to what was to come but how were we to know?

How were we to know that he’d do this to his family? How were we to prevent something like this? How do you ask that? There was no way to know this would happen.

My friend? What friend? My writer friend? What does Vivienne have to do with this? Oh my husband told you about her monologue and poem? Why? Yes I remember Wendell getting up and walking away during the middle. I didn’t think anything of it why? She thought it was strange? She didn’t tell me. She told Pierce? Why? How in the HELL do you think that someone who didn’t even know Wendell well would be able to know when he’s acting odd and we, who have known him his whole life didn’t realize that he was headed for a breakdown.

How could she of all people have seen this when we didn’t? Oh God…how did we not see?

How could she not see that I loved her and wanted to change for her and our family? I was so angry with her. I wanted her down and broken like she’d made me.

What have I done?! Laura I’m sorry! Laura! Please! I’m sorry…you shouldn’t have…you shouldn’t have…What was I to do, huh? Oh God… how do I take it back?

My kids how will my kids understand that I did love her more than anything but it was to much…too much. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t breath, she suffocated me just by being, and she took my breath, my love, all of me. She had to give some back Mr. District Attorney do you understand? She. Had. To. Give. Some. Back. I couldn’t breath.

Please, please, let me see my kids let me talk to them and tell them that I did love her I do love her. She was everything to me. Oh God what have I done…

LAURA………………Please baby…………please…I’m so sorry. (Sobs)

I’m sorry Laura. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner. He was my friend, and I loved him, I’m so sorry I failed you. Laura, I didn’t protect you, and for that I’ll always be sorry.

Oh, God Laura, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Please Laura forgive us where ever you are forgive us for being so blind.

Oh God, I tried…I did…I tried so hard to love her the way I thought she should be loved… (Sobs bitterly turning from sob to laugh after pause)

That was the last thing I said to her…….and the last thing I remember was screaming as blood went everywhere “I tried this for you…For You…I TRIED THIS FOR YOU!”

Rewrite!

Let me know what you all think of it!

Again the black and blue are men while the purple and green are women. Its now a 4part monologue with two women and two men.

Tell me if you like it better or worse than the original.

How does it feel…I wonder…to lose control of yourself in a way that you can not come back from? Do you know? I wonder if he lost himself and the only way to find it was to rage until he shattered all that mattered to him.

He committed emotional suicide you know. He can never come back from this. He was my brother, my friend and I loved him as such, even though he’s not blood, I loved him, and I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

You know when me and Wendell we’re friends we did some of the craziest shit you could ever think of. (Laughs bitterly) we used to shoplift from the corner store just so that Mr. Harold behind the counter would cuss and chase us down the street. I knew even then he had problems but I never thought he’d be capable of this. This baffles me. I GREW up with him. I thought I knew him, but how could…(cries)

Oh, Pierce, you couldn’t know Wendell. I didn’t even know Wendell and I married him. He was a confused, angry and bitter person even in childhood. I can’t believe he could do this to me either but really what choice did he have?

We all thought we knew him Mr. District attorney. We never thought he’d beat her to death. I mean all we saw in the last 7 years were a couple bruises, the worst was a black eye and a bruise on her hip never this. He was coming around. We had been waiting SHE had been waiting for him to change, that’s the whole reason she stayed, because she new that he had it in him to be a good man, a worthy man. She believed in him that much. He was going to a therapist learning how to talk through is anger, and insecurities. He was looking for a way out of the pain and the rage. I guess he never found it.

What? No he never hurt, or abused the children. He loved them; never would he have done anything to them. He was a good father to them. I should hate him for this. We should all hate him for this, but how do you hate someone you’ve loved so long? How does it feel I wonder to hurt so bad that the only way to feel anything besides hurt is to hurt the person closest to you?

Ask Wendell how it feels and he’ll tell you. Janine you saw what you wanted to see and still you don’t see clearly. The bruises you saw were just the surface of what happened to me in my home and in my marriage. What you saw was exactly what Wendell and I wanted you to see. Yes Wendell was a good father and no he would never hurt the children but how many times did I call to cancel on something you’d planned with a lame excuse and how many times did you overlook the obvious and take the excuse. You were blind Janine and you always were.

How did it feel? When? When I kicked her? When I hit her? When I killed her? (Shrugs) Does it matter? She’s gone, and it’s all her fucking fault, the bitch. Why couldn’t she just accept that I’ve changed? She had to belittle me and accuse me and be wary. WHY? She never could trust me.

No, Mr. District Attorney I didn’t want to kill her. I just wanted her to hurt as much as I hurt. As much as she hurt me, why couldn’t she see that I just wanted to love her and I wanted her to love me? I was TRYING to be better to be something other than I always had been with her. I wanted to change for myself and for her. I didn’t want my kids to grow up the way I did seeing their dad be abusive. I was TRYING to be better. To do better, but did she accept that? NO! She wanted me to take SHIT from her. ME take shit? NO I give shit I don’t take it. Our friends told me to TAKE IT, because she’d taken it from me for so long, what are they crazy? You want to know how it started. Okay I’ll tell you.

She was getting ready to go to work and all I did was ask her a simple question, okay. I asked “Hey call me on your break okay?” and she had to be a bitch about it and be SMART about it and say “Why so you can check up on me and make sure I’m not sleeping with anybody?” Really?! REALLY?! The bitch! Like she had a right to question me? I was the one who had to question HER.

You know I almost walked away, I really did but then she said, “I’m not calling you Wendell. So forget it.” The last thing I remember before I hit her was that she looked like she was going to say something else but WHAT did she have to say that would make it better? All I wanted was a simple phone call after her shift at the factory. That’s it. Is it too much to ask of her husband for his wife to call him during her break?

Bitch.

Yes Wendell it is too much to ask when it’s you who’s doing the asking. Yes I was being SMART and yes I was being snide to you because you deserved it. God I was so ANGRY with you because the only reason you wanted me to call you was so that you could have control just like always. I was sick of it for once and no I couldn’t trust you. Look at me I’m dead, because of you! I will never be able to see my children grow and be there for them. It’s a consolation to me that you won’t be there either, bastard.

I wanted to leave you so many times but stayed because I loved you, not because you loved me but because I loved you and was willing to take all your abuse just to be with you! ASSHOLE! You killed me! You fucking KILLED me…

That sorry son of a bitch, I was his friend. I loved him and I was trying to counsel him on his marriage to my sister. He was my brother I loved him like a brother, and he killed her and in killing her he killed himself. How am I supposed to explain to their kids that they have to move because daddy killed mommy, huh? They’re 5 and 3 how are they supposed to understand this? I don’t understand this.

He promised he was getting help for his anger and his rage. I guess it didn’t help did it? He was my best friend and I trusted him with my sister’s life and he took it from her after 7years of marriage and 2 kids.

Did he explain why? Did he tell you why he beat her to death Mr. District attorney? I want to know why. I want to be able to explain this to my mother. I want her to know why she doesn’t have a daughter any longer. No? He didn’t give a reason? But there has to be a reason, there has to be. The man shattered a toilet there has to be a reason for that much anger.

But no it’s just like Wendell to not say anything when it really matters. You know my wife’s friend was over the last time we saw Wendell and Lauren. She’s a writer and brought over a monologue and poem that she had written for my wife to read and get her opinion on and during it she thought it was odd that Wendell got up in the middle of the poem and left the room and didn’t come back till the reading of both was over.

I told her that she was seeing too much and it was probably nothing. I wonder now how he felt to hear his own thoughts. What do I mean? Well my wife’s friend wrote a monologue about an abused woman talking to a police officer and telling why she wouldn’t leave her husband. The poem was about an abusive relationship from a husband’s point of view and telling how obsessed he was with her and why she needed to die.

It was very dark and powerful, now I see it as foreshadowing as to what was to come but how were we to know?

Yes I remember that poem and that monologue and thought that it was so true for my life except I wasn’t as cowed as the woman in the monologue or poem, though I used to be. In the year that he’d been changing so was I. I had become stronger and self sufficient and knew that if he became abusive again I could leave and support my children no problem. Wendell to me wasn’t a necessity anymore but a want. I wanted him because I loved him. I wanted him to be the man he was trying to be, but I knew he couldn’t and I knew it would all go wrong…if only I knew how wrong. You couldn’t have known though brother. Even with Vivienne’s observations I didn’t think it weird that Wendell got up and left during the reading of her work. I guess I should have when he came back and didn’t comment on her writing nor did he want her to reread it either.

No, there was no way you could have known, because even then I didn’t, and I knew him better than anyone.

How were we to know that he’d do this to his family? How were we to prevent something like this? How do you ask that? There was no way to know this would happen.

My friend? What friend? My writer friend? What does Vivienne have to do with this? Oh my husband told you about her monologue and poem? Why? Yes I remember Wendell getting up and walking away during the middle. I didn’t think anything of it why? She thought it was strange? She didn’t tell me. She told Pierce? Why? How in the HELL do you think that someone who didn’t even know Wendell well would be able to know when he’s acting odd and we, who have known him his whole life didn’t realize that he was headed for a breakdown.

How could she of all people have seen this when we didn’t? Oh God…how did we not see?

Don’t blame them, please, they loved us both how can you fault them for that? They still love us both but they’re also grieving for us both as well, because not only did they lose a sister but a brother and friend as well. Please Mr. District Attorney don’t fault them for not rescuing me.

How could she not see that I loved her and wanted to change for her and our family? I was so angry with her. I wanted her down and broken like she’d made me.

What have I done?! Laura I’m sorry! Laura! Please! I’m sorry…you shouldn’t have…you shouldn’t have…What was I to do, huh? Oh God… how do I take it back?

My kids how will my kids understand that I did love her more than anything but it was to much…too much. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t breath, she suffocated me just by being, she took my breath, my love, my whole being. She had to give some back Mr. District Attorney do you understand? She. Had. To. Give. Some. Back. I couldn’t breath.

Please, please, let me see my kids let me talk to them and tell them that I did love her I do love her. She was everything to me. Oh God what have I done…

LAURA………………Please baby…………please…I’m so sorry. (Sobs)

I know your sorry Wendell but that doesn’t change what you’ve done. It never will.

I’m sorry Laura. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner. He was my friend, and I loved him, I’m so sorry I failed you. You will always be my baby sister and I your big brother, Laura, I didn’t protect you, and for that I’ll always be sorry.

Oh big brother you couldn’t have saved me from Wendell anymore than I wanted to be saved from him. You didn’t fail I did because I didn’t get out in time. I let our love blow me up into a million pieces and didn’t see it until it was too late.

Oh, God Laura, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Please Laura forgive us where ever you are forgive us for being so blind.

Forgive you? Of course I forgive you, though there is nothing to forgive. I loved Wendell and never would I have thought that he would kill me. He loved me. So much Wendell loved me I knew that I just didn’t… couldn’t trust anything he said. I knew he’d never hurt the children and he was always a good father and for that alone I loved him.

The last thing I remember him saying before I lost consciousness was “I tried this for you!” I remember he screamed it over and over and over as he bashed my head into the side of the toilet and kicked me in the chest.

My last thought was how was of the children. Poor Pierce and Janine they loved Wendell so much. This will eat at them for years, though I don’t blame them as this was no ones fault but my own and Wendell’s.

I turned a blind eye to a lot of things where my relationship with Wendell was concerned. When he said he was going to become a better man for me and the children but most of all for himself I laughed, I shouldn’t have. There were a lot of things I shouldn’t have done and now I can never go back.

Mr. District Attorney I see you look down on my broken and bruised body in the morgue and I see the pity and anger in your eyes, but I loved him and I know he loved me. What are we to do when love takes over us and instead of setting us free holds us captive?

Pierce was right Wendell committed suicide he will never be whole again and our children are now without a father and a mother. No, Mr. District Attorney don’t be angry be sad for the waste of life and the loss of love, be sad because my brother and his wife will have to take the place of me and my husband with our children. Be sad Mr. District Attorney because anger is what brought me here. Anger beat me down in that bathroom and shattered my scull. Anger is what keeps me here seething in bitterness, please… Mr. District Attorney don’t be angry… be sad.

My new piece....and some updates...

Updates on me and sprite...

She's fine and everything is normal. Her endoscopy went really well according to the doctor and she's completely healthy. We go back next month to see if maybe her excessive chewing and difficulty swallowing is a result of an allergy of some kind. Thats it.

I cant tell you how relieved and frustrated I was when he told me that he found nothing and she was normal. Not that I was looking for something to be wrong with her I just wanted an answer. My biggest fear is that something is wrong and they wont find it before something goes really wrong or that her symptoms are a result of something much much bigger and life threatening. It scares me to think that they cant find anything, and that for all intents and purposes she's normal.

I'm a mother I worry. It doesn't help that my favorite show is Mystery Diagnosis. I'd laugh except she's still having the mysterious fevers that are low grade but still there out of the blue for no reason. one minute her temp will be 97.3 (her normal core temp) then before you know it she'll have a temp of 99.8 or 100 or some such and those fever's aren't something that you can take her to the doctor for or give medicine for either. So their just there, and they knock her out. Knock her out as in sleeps for a few hours then by the time she wakes she's perfectly fine and her temp is back down to 97.3.

Her swallowing is better she doesn't seem to chew till her food liquefies though she's still really slow when it comes to eating and it still takes her an hour where everyone else may take 30mins. But the doctors say she's normal. I have to trust them don't I?

Anyway My life is uncomplicated and boring aside from Sprite I have no life, lol.

I've been spending a lot of time with my new friends who are almost as boring as me, but not quite. So I've not been home or online in a long time. Oh the horror.

My god daughters are doing wonderful I've been with them all weekend and oh how i missed their faces and their noise. Sprite had a great time there and cried when we left today. Poor pitiful thing.

I wrote a new piece today. *applause* Thank you thank you *bows*

Its a three part monologue done with three people 2males and one female. I like it but it makes me cry when i read it to myself so ware your eyes and bring along some tissues, lol.

I don't have a title for it yet so if you think of one let me know as i need help with that. Usually i start with a title but this time I'm having a bit of difficulty. I've posted this on BBC to my DS girls so i hope i get some feedback and will have a title soon. Please feel free to leave suggestions and feedback on this as its new and I'm not quite certain what to think about it.

Think of it as there being a spot light on each during their part while the others remain dark until their parts. They're all being interviewed by the DA.

The colors are to show different characters. the blue is a man, the black is a man and the green is a woman.

A little background a friend of mine's had a cousin beat (not to death) but bad enough to be hospitalized and the husband of the cousin went to jail and is now not allowed to see his children or his wife again (judge ordered) he beat her that badly. I met them twice but didnt know them. The monologue that i'm talking about in the monologue is"A Good man" if you read my blog you've read it, the poem is mine too its "Obsession" this you also should have read if you've read my blog. Vivienne is me.

How does it feel…I wonder…to lose control of yourself in a way that you can not come back from? Do you know? I wonder if he lost himself and the only way to find it was to rage until he shattered all that mattered to him.

He committed emotional suicide you know. He can never come back from this. He was my brother, my friend and I loved him as such, even though he’s not blood, I loved him, and I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

You know when me and Wendell we’re friends we did some of the craziest shit you could ever think of. (Laughs bitterly) we used to shoplift from the corner store just so that Mr. Harold behind the counter would cuss and chase us down the street. I knew even then he had problems but I never thought he’d be capable of this. This baffles me. I GREW up with him. I thought I knew him, but how could…(cries)

We all thought we knew him Mr. District attorney. We never thought he’d beat her to death. I mean all we saw in the last 7 years were a couple bruises, the worst was a black eye and a bruise on her hip never this. He was coming around. We had been waiting SHE had been waiting for him to change, that’s the whole reason she stayed, because she new that he had it in him to be a good man, a worthy man. She believed in him that much. He was going to a therapist learning how to talk through is anger, and insecurities. He was looking for a way out of the pain and the rage. I guess he never found it.

What? No he never hurt, or abused the children. He loved them, never would he have done anything to them. He was a good father to them. I should hate him for this. We should all hate him for this, but how do you hate someone you’ve loved so long? How does it feel I wonder to hurt so bad that the only way to feel anything besides hurt is to hurt the person closest to you?

How did it feel? When? When I kicked her? When I hit her? When I killed her? (shrugs) does it matter? She’s gone, and its all her fucking fault, the bitch. Why couldn’t she just accept that I’ve changed? She had to belittle me and accuse me and be wary. WHY? She never could trust me.

No, Mr. District Attorney I didn’t want to kill her. I just wanted her to hurt as much as I hurt. As much as she hurt me, why couldn’t she see that I just wanted to love her and I wanted her to love me? I was TRYING to be better to be something other than I always had been with her. I wanted to change for myself and for her. I didn’t want my kids to grow up the way I did seeing their dad be abusive. I was TRYING to be better. To do better, but did she accept that? NO! She wanted me to take SHIT from her. ME take shit? NO I give shit I don’t take it. Our friends told me to TAKE IT, because she’d taken it from me for so long, what are they crazy? You want to know how it started? Okay I’ll tell you.

She was getting ready to go to work and all I did was ask her a simple question, okay. I asked “Hey call me on your break okay?” and she had to be a bitch about it and be SMART about it and say “Why so you can check up on me and make sure I’m not sleeping with anybody?” Really?! REALLY?! The bitch! Like she had a right to question me? I was the one who had to question HER.

You know I almost walked away, I really did but then she said, “I’m not calling you Wendell. So forget it.” The last thing I remember before I hit her was that she looked like she was going to say something else but WHAT did she have to say that would make it better? All I wanted was a simple phone call after her shift at the factory. That’s it. Is it too much to ask of her husband for his wife to call him during her break?

Bitch.

That sorry son of a bitch, I was his friend. I loved him and I was trying to counsel him on his marriage to my sister. He was my brother I loved him like a brother, and he killed her and in killing her he killed himself. How am I supposed to explain to their kids that they have to live with grandma and grandpa because daddy killed mommy, huh? They’re 5 and 3 how are they supposed to understand this? I don’t understand this.

He promised he was getting help for his anger and his rage. I guess it didn’t help did it? He was my best friend and I trusted him with my sister’s life and he took it from her after 7years of marriage and 2 kids.

Did he explain why? Did he tell you why he beat her to death Mr. District attorney? I want to know why. I want to be able to explain this to my mother. I want her to know why she doesn’t have a daughter any longer. No? He didn’t give a reason? But there has to be a reason, there has to be. The man shattered a toilet there has to be a reason for that much anger.

But no it’s just like Wendell to not say anything when it really matters. You know my wife’s friend was over the last time we saw Wendell and Lauren. She’s a writer and brought over a monologue and poem that she had written for my wife to read and get her opinion on and during it she thought it was odd that Wendell got up in the middle of the poem and left the room and didn’t come back till the reading of both was over.

I told her that she was seeing too much and it was probably nothing. I wonder know how he felt to hear his own thoughts. What do I mean? Well my wife’s friend wrote a monologue about an abused woman talking to a police officer and telling why she wouldn’t leave her husband. The poem was about an abusive relationship from a husband’s point of view and telling how obsessed he was with her and why she needed to die.

It was very dark and powerful, now I see it as foreshadowing as to what was to come but how were we to know?

How were we to know that he’d do this to his family? How were we to prevent something like this? How do you ask that? There was no way to know this would happen.

My friend? What friend? My writer friend? What does Vivienne have to do with this? Oh my husband told you about her monologue and poem? Why? Yes I remember Wendell getting up and walking away during the middle. I didn’t think anything of it why? She thought it was strange? She didn’t tell me. She told Pierce? Why? How in the HELL do you think that someone who didn’t even know Wendell well would be able to know when he’s acting odd and we, who have known him his whole life didn’t realize that he was headed for a breakdown.

How could she of all people have seen this when we didn’t? Oh God…how did we not see?

How could she not see that I loved her and wanted to change for her and our family. I was so angry with her. I wanted her down and broken like she’d made me.

What have I done?! Laura I’m sorry! Laura! Please! I’m sorry…you shouldn’t have…you shouldn’t have…What was I to do, huh? Oh God… how do I take it back.

My kids how will my kids understand that I did love her more than anything but it was to much…too much. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t breath, she suffocated me just by being, she took my breath, my love, my whole being. She had to give some back Mr. District Attorney do you understand? She. Had. To. Give. Some. Back. I couldn’t breath.

Please, please, let me see my kids let me talk to them and tell them that I did love her I do love her. She was everything to me. Oh God what have I done…

LAURA………………Please baby…………please…I’m so sorry. (Sobs)

I’m sorry Laura. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner. He was my friend, and I loved him, I’m so sorry I failed you. You will always be my baby sister and I your big brother, Laura, I didn’t protect you, and for that I’ll always be sorry.

Oh, God Laura, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Please Laura forgive us where ever you are forgive us for being so blind.

He actually listened.....

Okay took Sprite to the doc this morning,(for those that don't know Sprite has been having some reflux and bowel movement issues for more than a year now we've been going to a Gastrointerologist since May 2010 trying to find out why she keeps having these issues. I've been reluctant to put anything about it here until we had SOMETHING from the docs office to say other than oh she's just constipated and give her a stool softener. Or its just reflux give her this. Well Today I feel validated and listened to and this is why) and I realized why I've been going back even though the nurse practitioner makes me feel like a dumb ass!

HE'S A GOOD DOC AND HE LISTENS!

He actually listens to everything I say not just bits and pieces nor does he ignore anything.

when i told him about the diarrhea and the constipation and that the only way I've found to get her to be even remotely regular BM wise is to give her the miralax every other day rather than everyday he listened.

When i told him about the irregular fevers the lethargy and the continuation in choking that she's had of late he listened and i didn't feel like i was making up the symptoms.

He told me that since she's been on the acid reflux med for the choking, nausea, vomiting (nausea and vomiting stopped before august when choking started), for more than 6mos, he said he wanted to do an upper endoscopy to see if there was any inflammation of her esophagus and upper GI tract.

He said that was the next step. He said that he wanted to rule out any problems with her esophagus and upper GI tract. He said that the choking could be anything from her throat not closing well to allergies (food or environmental) or Esophagitis which is something about an inflammation of the esophagus.

So on the 14Th he's going to do and Endoscopy and stick a tube down her throat and take biopsy's of her esophagus to rule out those things or find them.

The miralax he wants me to give in teaspoons (which i had been doing) but in smaller doses so that she's taking it everyday without having too loose (diarrhea) stools or to hard stools (constipation)

Her weight he's not to concerned about but wants to keep a watch on because she's been the same weight now for about 4-6mos now and not gaining an ounce and that's not normal since she's gaining in inches. So I'm to watch her on that just in case it starts to go down or fluctuate again.

That coincided with the ped's evaluation because when she went for her 4yr old check and shots they made the remark that she hadn't gained in a while and that i may want to start the pediasure back again before she slips back under the growth chart.

He mentioned the fevers and asked me what the ped thought about the fevers and i told him that the ped took blood for tests and all came back negative. He said that while he didn't know what could be causing the low grade fevers it could be the esophagitis that's causing it if she has it because of the inflammation of her esophagus, but if it isn't then he really didn't know what it could be and if i was really worried about it i could suggest that the ped refer her to the infectious disease doc and they could figure out what and why the fevers keep coming back.

He asked about the ex ray's she's had and when i told him about the nurse having us walk, run around the room a half a dozen times to get the chalky milk into her intestines for a look he took that seriously and not as if i had lost my mind and told me that that was just another reason for him to order the endoscopy because that too could be another concern.

I could marry that man he listened so well......I remembered why i kept pushing when i saw him and realized that i wasn't a quack after all.

It was a good appt. He felt of dd's belly and determined that she was good got her to say "Ahhhhh" but what he really did that i was amazed by was that he LISTENED when i talked and he didn't look at me like i had Münchhausen's for mentioning the symptoms of MY CHILD.

I love him. I heartily dislike his NP though.

Thats all from me today i hope you like this story of mine.... The different fonts are different characters, old lady in Red, young man in black and the mirror in Green....

Odessa Downs

In an empty room full of memories an old woman lies on a hospital bed in her home and watches as her family comes to grips with the fact of her death. I hang there against the wall ignored as the people around me wallow in their grief. I who am reflective of beauty reflected hang’s here to reflect the feelings of the faces that I see and of the people who look up and see their faces in me. It is touching and heartwarming, I suppose, but if not for me would they see their faces in grief? I’m sure that if I had my own feelings instead of only reflecting them I would cry, yet glad I am that I cannot because if I did it would only ruin my marvelous shine. Being only a mirror whose emotions are a reflection of others emotions that are reflected on me I suffer their pangs and wish rather for happy times again. I watch as the old woman’s youngest granddaughter, her name sake, at the age of ten comes in to sit with her. I hang there on the wall and watch as Odessa opens her eyes and starts to speak, and still no one has come to look in on me!

“All my life I wondered what an Odessa looked like and I assume she must look like me simply because that is my name, although it took me many years to come to that realization. The reason for that is because I figured an Odessa would be some exotic princess in a tower waiting on a prince to come to her rescue. I just knew that I wasn’t one of those women, because when I was in the second grade I got into a lot of trouble for defending my little brother. I was very angry, and my mother took me aside and told me that while it is okay to stand up for someone it is very wrong to give him a black eye and a bloody lip,” She laughed.

I watch the exchange in my glorious gilt frame as her son come into the room and stared into me with his wide gypsy dark eyes and sharp handsome features. I think if I wore to be human looking like him would suit me well.

ZZZZ

Watching mama laugh with Dessie like she wasn’t minutes away from death was hard. She’s strong my mama. She’s always been that way. When I was little she seemed bigger than life, because she could do so much and yet she made it all look easy. I wonder now how she did it. I wish I had that know how.

I turn away because looking at them makes me sick to my stomach. I stare at mama’s nightstand and there is a porcelain ballerina there that just takes me back ….to her…her hair was pulled back as I watched her dance for the kids. Long…forever long legs that jumped and swayed to the music. The prettiness of her hair a smoky black…no, not black….red, a fiery, hot rod, red. My wife’s hair is black, black as night with a high shine almost blue in color. Long beautiful hair…hair that begs to be touched…loosened…a long blue black curtain. Hair so glossy and thick I thought….sometimes…I could see myself….like in mama’s favorite mirror.

||||

He looks at me like he wants to see inside me. It’s a funny look, I think, not like the rest of them. He looks pensive. Like he has more than his mother’s death on his mind, and by looking into me he can resolve those feelings. The feelings that are reflecting in me are not the sad almost desolate ones that I have experienced so far with the mourning family but almost like confused sensuous feelings. I don’t know what he is thinking but if I could make a guess it has nothing to do with death or his mother. No one in the whole house has deigned to come and look at me or even admire themselves in me. I feel so useless in times like these. It’s almost like being invisible only I can’t be invisible I am a mirror and I reflect and that in itself makes me quite visible. I am most remarkable when the sun hits me just right from the massive floor to ceiling windows off to the right of the room, you can see my reflective surface and my gilded frame shine gloriously. I am glad that Odessa wanted the large windows put in when she finally got too sick to leave the house anymore. I used to have to rely on the overhead lighting which was minimal at best so it really did nothing for my gilt or shine. It really is a remarkable sight and the fact that no one is remarking me at all astounds me and if I was person and not a beautiful thing I would be furious. Ah to be more than I am, but of course if I were I wouldn’t be so remarkable as I am now so I’d best be satisfied.

The room used to be a large living room and I just the ornamentation, but as Odessa’s health started to fail this room became her sanctuary and prison….until the windows. They over look her favorite part of the house. The garden, she calls it her enchanted garden because it looks half hazard with no rhyme or reason but it is lovely even I have to say so some of it is always reflected in me the red of the roses, the softness of the grass, and the broken rock paths make the garden look old mazelike and enchanted. He’s not looking at me this Jason. He now watches his mother intently, and as he does I now reflect the whole room instead of just him, because he becomes part of the whole. I listen….

“So by the time I was in the fifth grade I knew I wasn’t the type of person to wait on things to come to me or allow someone else to do it for me. I found that my name and my disposition was so in conflict with what I thought an Odessa should be that I asked my mother why she named my Odessa. She said,

‘Why I named you Odessa ? Well, when you were born I had the name Sophia Grace, and I thought it would be a perfect name for a girl child. But when you were born you had such vigor, such fierceness to you that you seemed almost belligerent and angry that someone had taken you from all that you had known thus far. That I had someone bring me a name book and found that Odessa means full of wrath in Greek and The Odyssey in Ukrainian. So I chose the name Odessa Felicity, because you were so angry when you were born and Felicity because I will always wish for your happiness.’

Happiness….yes, mama always thought of our happiness. I was happy with Kathleen…I was happy with Maureen…Not was… am…never was. God, Kathleen with her glamour and beauty. All that cinnamon colored hair and cute freckles in the most eye-catching places…ha ha ha…sunkissed skin…no wait that is Maureen….Kathleen’s skin is milky and soft with freckles. How much do I love her freckles? Let me count the ways. Oh, and her eyes, those fathomless green eyes like grass in the summer.

Maureen has great eyes, eyes that go from light to dark blue like the Oklahoma sky in spring. Not like Kathleen’s eyes her eyes are a shocking green like dyed leaves on plain flowers. Such happiness with Maureen. Such love with Kathleen, she was bright and oh how she laughed, deep and sultry…or was that Maureen’s laugh? Yeah, Maureen’s laugh was deep as her blue eyes, and Kathleen’s laugh was as light as her blue eyes…wait…no…yes I was right Kathleen’s eye’s are blue….so blue. Dessie looks like her mother, but she has my eyes…my mama’s eyes…deep…black…mirrored eyes.

¹¹¹¹

He’s looking at me again. Ooooohhhhh, it invigorates me when he looks at me so intently. It fair to gives me the shivers. If I could shiver that is. The way he looks is quite remarkable, black hair, black eyes and skin so creamy and golden, like antique gold dark with definition. He is a glorious specimen of humanity and I will say again that if I were to ever be human he would be a wonderful rendition of me. All of the emotion that flits in and out of his eyes and across his face. I am just dizzy with the many convoluted things creeping in an around his face. Alas none of those feelings have to do with the dying woman lying in bed in front of him. I feel for Odessa she is old and expects for her family to grieve for her and while the majority are doing that it’s her oldest who won’t or who doesn’t. His callousness towards the fate of his mother is something I think that my lend him just enough devilishness to make him not only handsome but intriguing as well. Whatever problems that he has they are consuming his psyche and his mother is just an afterthought. Just look at him now. He stands in the door way looking from his mother to his daughter and then behind him toward his wife and finally he keeps eying the little Victorian ballerina on the table. Thinking and looking everywhere but at and about his mother. Ohhhh….the self centeredness…..if he was half as caring as I was he would listen and listen well to his mother’s last words. I know I do….

“So I guess my mother naming me what she did was a very good choice because while I did come into the world angry and wrathful. I ended up finding my happiness not only within myself and my name but with everything else in my life, such as my husband children and grandchildren. And now being at the end of my life I can finally see that my name chronicled my life that started off full of anger and wrath, then to send me on a journey where I ended up finding an unexpected happiness in my life, my husband and family.

She has it right mama does, it’s all about family with Kathleen, no Maureen. Yeah, I should stay with Maureen and Dessie that’s family, my family, but what about Kathleen? I can’t leave her. She needs me. She loves me. Why should I give her up? I love them both.

We should probably have another baby that would keep her busy; while I go to Kathleen and make sure she knows that I have fixed things with Maureen.

Look at him, his happiness is mine and I shine. Oh, to have someone look on me now they would know how wondrously glorious it is to be me.

Yes! That’s it, it’s so easy. Why didn’t I think of it before? I can have both. Mama would be proud to know that not only will I find happiness but I’ll also have my family. Kathleen will be my happiness and Maureen and Dessie are my family. Solving the problem was stressful in that it was so easy. I felt tears on my face and saw Maureen walk my way and offer her shoulder. I hugged her and told her that I loved her, which is too true. I cried.

Awwwwwe…..how sad Jason is crying with his wife. Ohhhhh…..the everlasting joy, this is one of those moments where if I could cry I most definitely would. Odessa looks up at her son and says in the her softest, breathless voice,

“Don’t be sad for me. Tell them all not to be sad. This had to come and I’m glad it was sooner than later. After all what is a life full of journey if it doesn’t end with another. That’s all death is the final journey. The journey into forever. Don’t be afraid; never be afraid of a journey.”

After the whispered words are said Odessa looks my way and gives a small wink and I feel a relief so great I could have floated away on a cloud. Ah…to be so free. She doesn’t move again and word gets out that she has finally passed. The sadness in the house now is palpable and even Jason now shows his mother proper respect by kissing her on the forehead and saying his final goodbyes, and for as long as I am around to bear witness the family rallies around Odessa’s final words.

“Don’t be afraid; never be afraid of a journey.”

So I've been down...

But now that Christmas is over I'm starting to bounce back a bit. I'm writing in purple this time to show my beginning change of attitude, lol.



I have new friends who are good for me and bad for me at the same time but whats life without a little complications to make life interesting. I can't really go into it here but their nice people at heart but going through some things that include and exclude me all at the same time, lol. And that of course tells you a shitload doesnt it?



Sprite's schooling is going well. This week I never had more than 9children in my class of 17 because they were all out with fever/virus and it was alternately good and bad. Good because less children means less stress bad because I miss my kids.....shocking I know but I love those little buggers even though I'm ready to strangle some of them by the end of the day!



My writing isn't coming along as I've not been home 5days in a row to get my thoughts organized let alone get anything written so you will have to make due with something from my writings past, lol.



For Christmas Sprite made out like a bandit! She got the leapster Explorer along with the camera attachment. The tag reader, a Baby Tiana doll, clothes, a Lalaloopsy doll that I love :), and many more things that dont come to mind, lmao.........needless to say stressing over christmas was pointless.



For myself one set of friends got me a Tea set, the pot along with the cups and saucers!!! SO excited you cant even imagine how excited I was to recieve them. I requested the pot but didn't really think I'd get it you know and thought I'd purchase it for my birthday but NO i got it and the cups and saucers that went with it!!!!!!!

This is it though the set i got was creamcolored not yellow and it only came with 2cups and 2saucers instead of 4 of each. I can't tell you how much I love my new friends for this since I've been eyeing this teapot for months without the money to get it for myself, lol!!!

Another set of friends got me another Teapot along with the sugar and cream pots too it's a tall rectangular teapot thats white with black demask roses and vines on it its beautiful and romantic I think. I couldn't find a pic on the net of it so you'll have to use your imagination.

I'm in a strange mood since Christmas. I feel somewhat sad and romantic all at the same time and seem to want to listen to Evanescence and Avant at the same time almost constantly and if i can't then slow and romantic jazz or any sad song will do.

I don't really know what to do with this mood other than to dream with it and use it as a muse toward my writing somehow. I think it has something to do with my new friends mostly because I see their relationship and its as close to Cliff and Claire as I've found in real life besides my Aunt Cynthi and Uncle Virgil or my Aunt Teresa and Uncle Dewar. Seeing them dote on eachother or rather watching the husband dote on the wife and the affection between the two seems to leave me wanting the same for myself, though where I'm to find it is anyones guess.

I still want a baby so bad I dream of children all night and wake up smelling babypowder. I can't go into a store with out going down the baby isle smelling the scents and touching the little outfits. Oh, the longing for a child and to be pregnant is eating me up inside slowly I think and is also causing my strange mood.

I catch myself smiling at a remebered dream of a baby nursing at my breast and when I come out of the daydream I have to catch myself from crying and feeling loss.

Pathetic isn't it when the only thing to keep you from pregnancy, and a child is the one thing vital for reproduction. A mate.

My birthday is coming soon and I'll be 27 years old and if it wasn't for my wonderful Sprite I'd be childless. For that I will always thank her mother for giving her to me, but that is all I will thank her for.

I look for a mate in every male face that passes me on the street, store, school. I wonder if just by looking into the eyes of a stranger if we will recognize eachother or not.

I pray everynight for the one person that is the other half of me and will give me the children I so desperately need. I wonder as well if i dont also need the companionship and the security of Marriage and if that is the reason why I can't just go sleeping with just anyone to beget a child. I want my children to have a father and if thats not physically possible I atleast want them to have the legacy of his handsome face or a good personality.

They will be beautiful my children because they will be mine.

I think I'm becoming obsessed though with finding a mate and with having a child. I'm determined to have a child this year or at least be pregnant before winter. *crosses fingers*

I was sick today and yesterday with fever and while i think the worst has passed it seems to have passed quickly so I wonder if the fever isn't biding its time and waiting on me to let my guard down to come back full force and sky high. I hope not and am drinking plenty of green tea and orange juice to combat it but you never know with sickness as it seems to have a mind of its own.

My friend Dani sent me a card for christmas and it was beautiful and I loved it! It cheered me up for a full week just to think she remembered me and sent me something!

From my best friend and her husband got me 2 wooden prints of Michael Jackson, a Snuggie :) (that came in handy while driving and waiting on the car to warm). I was hesitant about the snuggie because well it just seemed rediculous to buy a blanket with arms but hey it comes in handy, pun in tended, lol.

I bought presents for everyone I could think of and then those I forgot, lol. I think I spent more money this christmas than ever on christmas's past.

For dirty santa at work I made a romantic sex basket, lol. It had 2wine glasses a small mirror that holds 3small candle roses, and some goodies from christies toybox *snicker*. I got a small flat basket from Hobby Lobby along with some red tuille to wrap it in and a red ribbon it was soo good I wanted to keep it but I have no one to share it with and I made sure it was for a couple instead of a single person since all the ladies I work with are married.

So christmas was great new years was typical watched movies with a friend we didn't make it to midnight and I slept through the ball drop and no kiss for me during the final seconds of the year change. Sad I know.

I did watch the lunar eclipse and that to me was absolutely magical to me. I swear I'm becoming more pagan everyday though my roots are Baptist, lol. It was magnificent the eclipse and at that moment I wished I was some kind of witch or wiccan so that I could cast a spell for my mate to find me. Now that would have been worth writing about. But alas I didn't and was powerless to do anything but say a mental prayer of finding. Though I'm sceptical anyones listening.

You know I've said it before and I'll say it again "I do believe I was either born in the wrong time period or my mate and I have crossed paths only to miss eachother in time."

It's hard to believe that I even have a mate and its likely that I'll go through life half full and with a feeling of loss. I should travel the world and one day I will but I wonder if it will be a last ditch effort on my part to find the other half of myself.

Now thats something to wonder...while I wonder about that you can wonder about Lotus

Forbidden Children

My name is Lotus and I was born into a world were Evil is forbidden. The scientists of my world have made a kind of Utopia of a sort. Evil is found within from birth. Sometimes Evil is found before birth.
The doctors and scientists have perfected a way to locate what they call the "Damien Strain". It is the Gene inside you that makes you think bad thoughts. It is the devil on your shoulder. It is the voice in which it is almost impossible to resist...............I should know I live with it everyday.
I have found a way to hide My Evil by becoming what is know as an Acceptable Evil Entity or the AEE, but we of the AEE call ourselves Belladonna. We are the flowers of evil.
Belladonna is the women and girls that have been found to have the "Damien Strain" and have been trained as assassins of others with DS. Women with DS have been shown to be just as evil as the men with DS only we are controllable. As long as WE live we can overcome anything and anyone, and one day we will prevail.
My name is Lotus and I was born into a world were evil is forbidden. I am also 9years old. This is my story