Sunday, November 28, 2010

Break is over................:(

So Thanksgiving break is over and I has the sadz :`(

I really don't want to go back to the BS that is my job. I love the kids and can't wait to see them light up when they get to class tomorrow but damnit I can leave the rest.

Aside from that this week should be uneventful like the rest of my life has been, lol. The only adventures I have are in my head.

I got about Half my christmas shopping done and need the other half to do. Which means that Sprites is all thats left really, lol. Unfortunately I don't start shopping for Sprite till after her birthday which is in the first week of December. Once she's done then I'm finished for the year, lol.

We're putting up the tree this week, and all I can say to that is that while I like to decorate for the holidays I really can't like christmas as I always seem to get depressed around this time of year and even my books and writing can keep the depression at bay.

Maybe this year will be different since Sprite is old enough to be enthralled with Christmas and santa and this is the year I need to start thinking Traditions instead of just Christmas by the book.

Good thing about this week is that the pics we took last week will be coming up online for us to look at and order and I can't wait to see them! I'll be sure to post a few here for you all to gawk at us.

I need to find something to keep me busy through Christmas and Newyears as those days/nights are my worst for lonliness to creep in besides Valentines day of course. I hate Valentines day with a's a vile day that needs to be wiped from the face of holidays.

After that passage of sadness what next?

Well Sprite has the croup, mild form of it that just has her congested like no other and weezing a bit. I've been giving her eucalyptus infusions under a croup tent for the congestion and she's better. She had fever early in the week that has since passed.

If the fever comes back or her breathing gets worse we will be going to the docs next week. So cross your fingers that no docs are needed, lol.

I want to get my hair trimmed and flatironed for Sprites bday party coming up mostly because I just want to pamper myself and for more practical reasons is that my ends are crunchy and need a cut.

I got nothing else, gosh my life is boring no wonder no one reads this blog or my posts on bbc, @@ pathetic.

Here's some poetry
Read "What if" as if it were 3people in a conversation the far left being one person the middle being another and the far right being another.

What if

What if a book were only infinite memory of a word lacking?—Edward Jabes

What if the word lacking was one of substance?

One of feeling
One of sense
One of general goodness

A word such as hope

Hope in times of sadness
Hope in times of gladness
Hope in something that will one day be

Like a happy family of your own

What if the book were only infinite memories?

Memories of a love lost
Memories of a love found
Memories of a time that knew no bounds

Memories of wandering through the woods and never getting lost.
Memories of 6 children and out of all of them only the oldest knew real fear.

What if the infinite memory of a word were lost?

Lost and were gone forever
Lost but found between the pages of a book
Lost and found but soon forgotten

Lost and found a lover, friend, or a family member long gone.
Lost memories, lost words, lost in such a way that when found you smile at the memory but soon forget the comings and goings of a lost thought.

What if the word lacking were only a book of infinite memory

What hurts mean the most?

Is it when you fall and scrape your knee?
Is it when you break a bone or find that you cannot see?

No, not those hurts they mean little and harm even less. It is when you’re heart breaks but still life goes on.

When do hurts fail to heal?

Are they hurts that can’t be forgotten?
Are they hurts that fail to seal?

No, not these hurts, the forgotten you never remember and the unseal able you build a bridge. It’s the hurt you try to be happy in spite of but weighs you down like wet cement.

When does happiness bring more hurt than joy?

Is it when a child is born?
Is it when love fails?
No, it is when you find the one you’re meant to be with and watch as he marries your friend.


He ruined it
Ruined it I say
Ruined it into a completion that far spans a day
He ruined it for eternity

It was wonderful
It was grand
The beauty of it would make glass into sand

It was glorious
It was sweet
It most definitely made me weak

But he ruined it
Ruined it all
With the words he said even though they were small
And still he said them

We were happy
We were free
We were all that we could be
And yet we’re not….still

He ruined it
It’s all his fault
Why couldn’t he leave us alone…to let everything rise or fall

The simplest thing went wrong

Because…… he said……..I love you

Friday, November 26, 2010

I'm so excited!!!

So I told you all about a Lullaby by Adele Enerson on Mila's Daydreams blog and I can say that Mrs. Enerson was very gracious when I asked her to take a look at my story and give her permission for me to link her blog to my blog for the lullaby. She said "Yes" and she said she liked my story and for me to keep writing!!!!!

I love her and I think she is the best!!! Here's the link to her blog with the Lullaby in it

So here's my story,

The Lullaby

The child was magic. Everywhere she went flowers bloomed, dreams became reality, and when she sang creatures danced. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her as she looked to be the ordinary child, red of hair, fair of face, delightful, but contrary disposition, a child not rare in the world but utterly magical.
Alim was her name she was bright, strong, loving and old of soul. She loved to sing, but in her singing was when her magic gained flight.
One day while Alim was playing in the forest, out of sight of her house, she started to sing a lullaby that had no words. As she sang she started to twirl and all around Alim the woods came to life. The sun was high in the sky giving the woods a golden glow and a mist started to form at the base of the trees gilded with the sunlight and alive with the purple aura of magic. Alim was unawares of the happenings around her for she had closed her eyes to the song and sang from her heart.
In the clearing of the woods where Alim had wondered the sun framed her burnished curls as she twirled in her white dress around and around eyes closed, hands spread all the while humming her lullaby. What a delight she was to behold.
Alim’s mother noticing that she was out of sight of the house went in search of Alim and while walking through the wood found that all was silent but for a gentle dreamy hum of a lullaby. “Alim?” she said softly and followed the sound.
As she walked she also noticed that the creatures of the wood were no where to be seen. There wasn’t a squirrel in the trees or a rabbit underfoot. Not even a bird singing loftily above her head. She stopped and looked around, curious, dumfounded, and still hearing the strange lullaby hummed softly by her child.
She continued to walk; this mother of magic, when she came upon Alim in the clearing and her haunting lullaby, what she saw made her catch her breath soundlessly in wonder.
Alim was twirling and humming a song that flowed from her heart and out of her throat. It had no words that she knew of just sound and feeling. She didn’t know when it would end, or if it would never stop. She hummed and then she opened her mouth and she sang and it was beautiful.
Alim never opened her eyes as she sang and twirled but all around her the animals of the wood were dancing in the mist. The purple gilt of the mist had given the creatures and Alim a wondrous sense of mystery and fantasy. It was a child’s dream come to life. Bears in tiara are waltzing with rabbits in tailcoats, fawns in gowns gliding around the clearing like ballerinas, and squirrels in top hats providing musical accompaniment to Alim’s song.
Alim’s mother was in awe of what she saw in the clearing with Alim at its center. It was as if someone dreamed.
Alas as all dreams do, though, it came to an end, and as the last cords of Alim’s song came to a close she twirled one last time and sang softly as she opened her eyes to behold her living daydream of an Animal Ball.

Friday, November 19, 2010

What to do.......

What to do when you feel lonely? Seek out company right? Well what do you do when you only have 3 in real life friends and they're all busy with their families. Well I write and listen to music when I'm lonely and in need of companionship of the adult kind, lol. Sounds pathetic I know but its all I've got as of now.

I love my Sprite I really do but there is only so much 3yearold companionship that I can handle especially when all they talk about is Dora, Caillou, or someother cartoon. I love it when she makes up stories or wants to read with me but when you spend all your days with 17 three yearolds and very little adult converstation it gets tiring and lonely in this world of mine.

I've made new friends, parents of a couple of my students, and while I love them as they are as weird as I am (and in someways weirder, LOL) they seem to get me, so far, and accept me as ME! Which is all that is required of a friend really.

I bought a new dress and this is me in it!!!!

What do you think? One of my friends says she didn't like it but she only saw this pic so she needs to see it in person! Everyone else said that they LOVE it on me and that I look great in it! I got it from Avon by the way if your interested in buying one for yourself, lol.

I was reading a favorite blog of mine called "Mila's Daydreams" I'm sure you've heard of it :) and the author of the blog has written, with the help of her husband, a lullaby for her daughter Mila that was soooo compelling to me that I had to write a story about it!

It's a beautiful story that I will post here after I have gotten approval from Adel Enersson for writing a story about her lullaby. I want her to have approval whether I post the story or not because of the people who have been stealing photo's of her daughter and posting them without her permission. So out of respect for her talent I asked her to read my story and approve it and then to allow me to publish it to my blog.

You have no idea what a release it was to have the inspiration to write something as I haven't had the energy or wherewithal to write anything new for a long time. It's so freeing to beable to have a story, character in your mind and then to get it all on paper just as you see it in your head. Its freeing to me to have an outlet for the voices in my head that try to tell me about themselves.

If you don't know what its like picture a thing that you want or a song that makes you smile and then imagine that the thing you want is sold out or the song that you heard once or twice and fell in love with only to never hear it again. Then imagine that that thing came up for grabs at a discounted price and you were able to afford it or that the song that had haunted you for days/weeks/months finally came out on cd and you finally got to hear it again after so long. Doesn't it make you smile? Doesn't it give you a release so profound that you become inordinantly proud of it that you have to show it off or play it for everyone that comes around.

THAT is what its like to have stories/voices/characters in your head and to finally get them on paper in a way that makes the imagery in your head worthwhile, and sometimes, sometimes its better on paper than it ever was in your head:)

You all will have to settle for something thats not my new story till I get approval from Mrs. Enersson but when you do get to read it it will be worth the wait.

This painting is by Berthe Morisot and was my inspiration for the story below as it was my humanities homework, :)


I will never understand or know why he picked me that night, but I thank God everyday that he did. Still, even now I always wonder ‘What did he see in me that made me ‘the one.’ Do you know why, because I don’t know why a man of thirty-five would choose to marry a girl of sixteen? I see myself as I did then a girl frightened to death of what was to come, but hoping to please an unpleasant father.
You see then it was a happy time for the world was young and the industrial age just beginning. Women wore dresses, gloves and hats on a daily basis, and oh, how I longed to be one of them when I grew up. Then when it happened I wanted to go back. Back to the care free days of when I was a child watching my brothers and sisters playing and laughing. Being the youngest of five I was spoiled and cherished….until.
Until the fever came and I and my father the only survivors. To this day I don’t think he ever forgave me for that. For being his only living daughter and not his only living son. I had a nanny from then on along with untold tutors. I was taught well and given everything a girl needed but not wanted. I was tutored to become a lady and a lady I became. Then I turned sixteen and it was time for me to marry.
On the day I was to meet my betrothed my father said,
“I have done my duty by you Daughter. Now it is your turn to do your duty by me. Gibe me grandsons. I need an heir for I refuse to leave everything to some pea witted female.”
I could only stare as he left my room, and when Nanny came to me I cried. She calmed me and held me close and when my tears finally dried I said,
“Oh, Nanny, It’s horrible. He doesn’t care. I realize that now. He only cares about a male heir. You heard what he said to me. Now I’m afraid he’s paid some man to be the stud to my brood mare. Oh, I hate him. I do. I hate them all.” I looked up and Nanny looked at me with sad eyes that knew and saw too much, and I felt guilty. Guilty and ashamed like I had betrayed the memory of my family somehow by saying those words. I don’t’ remember what Nanny said to me after that but I do know that it made me feel as if the new life I was getting would be better than the one I was leaving.
When nanny left I dressed myself not waiting for the maid for now I was filled with anticipation for the life that I know could not be worse than the one I was living. I stood in front of the mirror for long moments wondering ‘What will he see in me? Will he see me or only what he wants to see? Will he like me? Will I fall madly in love like one of Nanny’s stories?’ all the thoughts that go on in a young girls head when meeting with a man.
I stood in front of the mirror thinking all those rampant thoughts until I found the courage to walk down the stairs. Now that I look back it was the worst and best day of my life. I got a loving husband and I left the only person to ever love me after the tragic deaths of my mother and siblings, my Nanny, all at once. It was bittersweet day. A year past before my father finally got his wish for a grandson, but he never lived to see him born. In the end he had to leave everything to me ‘a pea witted female.’ I and my husband had three children two sons and a daughter. She is the very image of me who, I found out later, is the very image of my mother. This I found out while going through the things in my fathers house. A painting done of my mother when she was but a girl looking at it made me see what my father always did when he looked at me, my mother. I looked closer and there was a plaque on the front of the painting that titled it “Anticipation” and described “the Painting of Lilith on the eve of her wedding.”
As I looked at this painting I remembered staring at myself the very same way when I was to meet my husband Marshall. And after all these years of having a happy and love filled life despite my father, or maybe because of him, I still wonder if he ever saw me for me, or remembered my name. Maybe I looked too much like my beloved mother, his wife, for him to stand the sight of me. I don’t know and I never will. He never addressed me as anything but “Daughter.” Even on his death bed he called me “Daughter” and not by name. So when I look at this beautiful painting of my mother and think of the way I felt and looked at myself in the mirror on that fateful day it makes me think of my father and I want to scream at him and say,
“My name is’ Kaythrine’ Father not ‘Daughter’ remember! Remember when I was your little Kaytie Kat! Remember!”
Of course I can do no such thing, and will never do it, because I was tutored to be a lady and a lady I became.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Its been a while......

So its been a while since I've blogged. I hope you missed me!

So much has happened but at the same time nothing of import has really been going on. I've been working and I still love the kids. Still plan on looking for a nother job come March though as I cant stand the thought of going back in August to a whole new bunch of kids as I Love the ones I have now. Also because I do love children I don't think I could be a teacher for very long because I want my own children and being with children all the live long day makes me not want to come home to my own child let alone have more. So I can not continue this job and have more children because I am worn out by the end of it and don't want to see another snotty face for a long time.

It's safe to say, I think, that I am burnt out on school in general. As I want NOTHING to do with another school directly not for a very long time. Dealing with school indirectly through Sprite is one thing but dealing with either the techicle aspects of school or the studious aspect of school is too much and I heartily dislike being a teacher and I most definitly don't want to be a student anymore.

As it is though I have been thrust back into being a student though a student with a very light load. I was told after training for my headstart job and after I had started teaching that I needed to take the ELECCT training test and pass it in order to keep the job that I have now. Well Okay I said as long as its easy and its something thats not going to take time out of my normal duties. "No" I was told "it would only take a few minutes at work to take and to pass its easy."

WRONG!!!!!! Its a Training Class that lasts for a few weeks that I have to study for, do homework for, along with quizzes and take a final for at the end of the 3 weeks or however long it lasts. But since its online none of the bosses that told me about the damn thing thought it was an actual class. I almost quit when I found out it was a class as I am still so abhorrently opposed to school right now. I literally said "Who do I need to post my resignation letter to? Because I didn't sign up for going back to school to be a daycare teacher, thank you very much!"

Because if you didn't know that is very nearly exactly what a Headstart teacher is a glorified daycare provider. There is nothing that I am doing now that I didn't do when I did work for a daycare except that there is more paperwork involved, there are no babies, and you don't send home sick kids.

Everything that I am teaching the 3yearolds in my class is damn near the exact same things I was teaching my 2-3yearolds at daycare. I don't like it. Though I will stick it out till may that is as far as I'm willing to go.

Today is Housecleaning day and I am done for now as i've cleaned the kitchen and the living room along with the bathroom with the exceptions of the dishes and scrubbing the tub and toilet. After I finish this blog I am going to my new friends house to help her paint her house. She's a cool chick and one of her kids is my student in class. She has invited me to her house on the 20th of this month for an early thanksgiving because she's making Aisan turkey (as she's aisan) she said it was going to be like Peking duck but with Turkey as you can't really find duck OK unless you shoot it first, lol.

I'm excited and looking forward to it like MAD! They have a cool house too and beautiful carpet that I could sleep on its so soft!

I get to house sit come thanksgiving break YEAH!!! This is what I consider my vacation as they have everything I want in their house, ie.....a dishwasher, hot tub, and washer and dryer are top three!!!

I can't wait for 2weeks from now!

I'm still on a search for a man so that I can have a baby or two without going to the sperm bank as its really expensive and I'm pretty sure that my insurance, when it kicks in, doesn't offer fertility treatmens, lol.

I feel bitter when ever I see a woman/girl with a pregnant belly as I'm filled with soooo much jealousy because I want to be pregnant more than anything else right now.

But like my granny says "People in Hell want Ice water" so you can't always get what you want, lol.

Unlike people in hell I really hope I have a better chance of getting pregnant soon then they do of getting ice water.

Well thats all for now as I've got to get on the road. Here's a poem or two to keep you occupied till I get back.


She was all I thought about
An obsession……that I couldn’t control
I couldn’t let her alone

We married and then it seemed that things went so wrong
She wasn’t what I wanted…….exactly
She was something that needed to be made

I tried to fix her
I tried to educate her, and make her what I needed her to be
She never could do anything right, it seemed…… to me

She embarrassed me
So she needed to be punished

Not physically, I’m not a monster
So, I took the things that meant most to her
Her parents
Her friends

No one was left but me, now maybe…….when I am all she has she’ll understand……….that it’s just me
Who cares
Who knows what’s best
Who loves her

She is starting to get it right
She is not so willful
Life was good for me

Until she tried to leave
Well I couldn’t let that happen
What would people say?

I hate her now

I brought her back
She tried to fight back
But in the end she just begged for her life.

This is what love looks like, yes? Oh how I wished for love when I was young. I wanted what this picture represents. I wanted those tingles of lust, those unrelenting feelings of want, need and desire of the person who had won my affection. Oh, how I would have cherished that feeling. How I would have enjoyed my life more.
I look at this picture everyday thinking what did I do wrong to deserve nothing but grief? What did I do, maybe in a past life, that was so wrong to warrant the unrelenting despair of my world?
I am 87years old and this is me on my wedding night. Don’t I look happy, don’t I deserve love?
That night was so, so special to me, for it was the start of what I thought was going to be the rest of my life filled with love.
My God I look so happy in this picture I could puke, for what is waiting for me in just a few days is so unspeakable that I hardly know where to begin.
But begin I must, for if I do not start how will it begin to end.
I am 87years old and I do not know how to say that for the past 60 years I have been living a lie.
Most people will start telling you their lives stories now, yes? Well Mr. Reporter I will not start at the beginning of my life but I will start at the end so that you will know the worst of my life. So that when I start over at the beginning you will see that no matter the reasoning the ending out come can not be rectified. No matter even if the reason is love. For I did love him but those feelings could not even begin to be what this photograph shows. The feelings I had for my husband and the feelings he had for me were twisted long before this photograph was taken. You see we were meant to be. The tragedies of our childhoods lead us to be together even beyond death, even beyond life. He WAS my soul-mate and he always will be.
In 60years this story hasn’t had an ending but today it ends with me, today I confess.
In this photo I was 27years old, and had known my husband for 5years, and in those 5 years we honed our skill. So that when we moved to a new state we could start a new.
Yes we killed all those people. Yes we killed all those Men, Women and Teens, but they deserved it, oh yes they did, for they were bad, but we were worse.
For we were THE WARDENS OF POWER we were the PARENTS OF FATE. We killed over 100 people in 10years. We stole more than 100 babies and children. All of them from abusive homes, but that don’t make it better does it? No, I didn’t think so, but you see it doesn’t matter, not really. Not anymore, for today is the day I die and I want the truth to be known.