Saturday, August 13, 2011

Through the portal Continued...

If anyone's reading here is through the portal continued...

Through the Portal

Continued...

Wynn had never in his life met a more disagreeable woman. She seemed to get even more disagreeable as the interview went on. He couldn’t explain it. Most people liked having their passions and their work discussed and the more publicity the better. Samara Collins seemed to be the complete opposite. He just couldn’t figure her out.

Putting this out of his head he reached his house and pulled out the tape recorder when he finally got into his house and office. He rewound it and played it back he heard his own voice for a while and then he heard Samara say

Signum fye durnam echte ne moon.” Thinking she mumbled something under her breath he didn’t really notice until he heard her talking to someone else. Listening intently he started making notes and transcribing the conversation onto his computer. Listening to the whole conversation again he started wondering where he was when she had this conversation. He hadn’t noticed when she had gotten up to talk to some man named Theuderic. In fact he knew that she hadn’t, but if what he knew was false how did she do it? He rewound the tape again and listened intently. After listening two more times he finally understood that the phrase he heard her mutter was probably a spell that stopped everything that wasn’t’ like her still.

“She’s a witch!” he said aloud alarming himself. Grabbing his tape recorder he puts it inside his pocket and leaves his house to go to the gallery. He had to find her and confront her.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Changed my mind...I'm not ready for that to be out there yet so....

here is a different story for blogging.... Chapter One

Through the Portal

December 19, 2007

She couldn't believe it. After all these years of being careful she was being blackmailed. Blackmailed, of all things in the world, and three days to the winter solstice at that, she didn’t understand it. She didn't need this right now. She had to go through the portal on the solstice to protect all that she held dear: to protect her family. She wouldn't let anyone stop her. It was too important. She was going out to the local museum where her art collection was being displayed. She needed to make sure that everything was secure for her 'vacation' till after Christmas. She went out the door of her house muttering a string of curses in Somaglic a language that was not only unheard of in this time period but had been extinct for more than five thousand years.

“Hey, Bren, are you at the gallery? Yeah well we need to have an emergency meeting I’ll see you there.” Mara closed her flip phone and got in her red SUV to drive downtown.

Samara Joy Collins was a striking woman with her dark skin and bright blue eyes and curly brown red hair that went down her back. She made a stunning contrast. Her hair alone had all of the colors of fall in them from earth brown to the burnished red and gold of the leaves. With her blue eyes and dark skin she was obsessively beautiful. People always wanted to take pictures of her. She had been approached by more modeling agencies than she could count and even though her figure was anything but waif like or slender they still wanted her. She turned them down and even started wearing brown contacts and dying her hair black. The dye never lasted of course because her hair would change back to its normal color in about a month. Sometimes she thought her hair protested the dye, but of course she knew it wasn't her hair or scalp protesting the change but the magic that surrounded her.

Mara was no ordinary woman she was a Guardian of the past, present, and future. She protected the world from things more dangerous than human minds could comprehend. She sang more beautifully than all of the sirens in the mythology books and was more striking than Medusa laughing.

Her voice, her face and her body shielded the world as we know it from the forces of evil. The creatures of old loved to hear her sing and she had stopped many a dragon, phantom and sphinx from destroying everything that she held dear.

The immortals loved her everlasting beauty and they worshipped her face and form, because while they will live forever and their minds will be with them always they didn't stay young.

These things alone didn't make up Samara they didn't even scratch the surface of her. They didn't explain why she was willing to give up her life for a world of loneliness, evil, and lies, because give it up was what she had done. She wasn't even from this world, but a parallel one that coincided with ours and to protect her world and her family she needed to protect Earth and to do that she needed to stay anonymous. She had been so careful. She changed her name, address, and appearance every fifty years or so.

Mara arrived at the gallery and spotted her friend and confidante Brenna Jacobson who also happened to be the owner of the gallery. Brenna was the only person in this world who knew of Samara and her secrets. She wondered now if confiding in her had been a mistake, but at the time it couldn't be helped. She could have done a memory spell but that always has repercussions on the person’s memory beyond just the one memory being replaced or deleted, and really it had been all Taurus's fault anyway.

Taurus was her friend, and pet dragon. He had the gift of illusion, and size control among his other dragon ways. He had revealed himself to Brenna without Samara's knowledge. He does so at least once every hundred years because he thought that she needed more than just him to confide in and talk too. She was caught unawares when Brenna confronted her. So she told the truth. He went every were she did, no question. She should have wondered why he didn't want to go 0ut with her that day, but as usual when it came to Taurus she didn't ask questions. She waited as Brenna finished with some people who had wanted to purchase one of the artifacts. Of course she knew that nothing on display was for sale but if they wanted a replica they could purchase one or two. When Brenna finished she walked to her friend and asked,

"So what brings you here this time of day? I thought you'd still be sleeping."

"I need to talk to you," Samara said as she grabbed her friend by the arm, and leading her to her office.

"Okay. We're alone. What’s up?"

"I know you wouldn't do anything to purposely hurt me, but I want to know who you told about me."

"What are you talking about? I told no one about you or Taurus, I swear. And you know I didn't so what's this all about?"

"I'm being blackmailed. Look at this." Samara pulled a letter from her purse and handed it to Brenna it said,

I no who u are, an I no bout the dregon. I want 5hudred thowsand dolars buy this friday or Im goin to tell evrybody wat I no. Dont call the kops and or i will have to kill you and your pet dregon. Leave the monee at Cider Park inside the whole in the old peekan tree. Rember no kops.

Before Brenna could respond to the note there was a knock on her office door. Brenna called a quick “Come in” and the door opened to emit a man Mara had never seen before. He was handsome not cute like so many men you see on television. Mara’s eyes lit up with appreciation. That reaction shocked her to the core, because she had shielded herself from such reactions since the death of her husband. A death that had been so violent it had lead her to leave Atarius and become guardian of both worlds.

She figured he was about 6’3” or there about because she herself was 5’8” and he towered over her. He had hair so black it had blue highlights and his eyes were the color of gold silk.

“Hey, Wynn, come on in. This is my friend Samara Collins the art collector I told you about. It is her collection that has you inspired. Samara this is Wynn Balantine the art historian that I told you about, remember? He wants to write a book about the history of some of your collection,” Brenna explained.

“Yes, of course I remember. Nice to meet you Mr. Balantine, but could you give us a minute?” Samara said as she literally shoved him out the door, closed and locked it in his face.

“Mara, rude much.”

“Yeah, well, he can wait. This can’t. What do I do about this threat, Brenna? If I don’t make it to the portal in time it could mean thousands of lives at stake if not whole worlds. So I need you to tell me anything that might have come out of your mouth to lead someone to discover my secret,” Mara said.

“I didn’t say anything to anyone about anything. I’ve only spoken with people like Wynn who want to purchase or write about your art collection. If you come into the conversation it’s about your art not you,” Brenna replied.

The magic that protected her from the years and centuries of change also helped to shield her from the prying eyes of the mortals around her, but someone knew. Someone had found a way around all of the spells and enchantments that surrounded Samara and her pet dragon Taurus. He was disguised as a cat this time. A black cat with eyes that changed at will. Now they were purple.

They'd had a special connection since his hatching four hundred years ago. A connection that allowed him to speak to her telepathically and one also that allowed him to stay the size of a lap dog or large cat thanks to her magic and his too. He of course could change form at will and grow to an astronomical size but since that would be too conspicuous in this world and in this time period he stayed small.

The only time he got big was when she went home to her world Atarius where dragons roamed free and so did everything magical. She only spent a few hours every hundred years at home, but it was the time she relished and one that meant she was doing the right thing for both worlds since everyone she loved was still living.

‘Careful Mara, he’s listening at the door.’ Mara looked at the door and saw that Taurus had moved from her side and stood glaring at the door. He turned and looked at her saying telepathically,

‘Can’t you feel his aura? You need to watch out for him. Not as a threat but as a problem. He seems like the “save the girl” type to me.’

Mara harrumphed and went to the door, Taurus moved, and she opened it and watched as Mr. Balantine tried to look innocent.

“You can come in now. What was it that you needed from me, Mr. Valentine?” she said.

“Oh, it’s Balantine, and I just needed your permission to study your collection and I would like to know how you came by your artifacts if you didn’t mind explaining. I would be happy to take you to lunch or somewhere where we could talk privately. I brought my tape recorder just in case,” he said.

“She’d love to go! Wouldn’t you Mara?” Brenna said loudly then whispered in her ear, “When is the next time you get asked out by a guy that hot? Go have fun. I’ll watch Taurus.”

‘Not a chance human. Where Mara goes so do I besides I have a hunger for fish.” Taurus rumbled low in his voice with a disgruntled look at Brenna.

“Okay, I’ll go. Its okay about Taurus he wants seafood and ‘The Sharks Tale’ lets him in with no fuss. I’ll be back and when I get back we need to talk,” Samara said as she picked up Taurus and put him on her shoulders like a kitty scarf and walked out the door. When Wynn did nothing but stare at the two of them she turned and said,

“Are you coming or do I have to do your interview myself?” He turned and started to walk behind her. When they got to the parking lot she got into her car and told him how to get to ‘The Sharks Tale’ and left him standing there with his mouth open.

‘You shouldn’t be so rude to him. He doesn’t know the reason you’re so touchy and if you don’t watch it you’ll peak his interest. Not that it will take much doing since I sensed he was already interested.’ Taurus said as he lounged in the passenger seat.

"Hmmm....Well enough of that. We need to think on what to do about this person who is blackmailing me and how to find him. Can you think of anyone who has been lurking around?" At the shake of his head she continued, "How about anyone too curious? Interested? Anything?"

'Nothing that I can recall. Everything is as it has been for centuries,' Taurus said.

Mara brooded the rest of the way to the restaurant. When they arrived they went into the restaurant and got their usual table. When Wynn Balentine showed up he was escorted to their table. After issuing pleasantries Mara signaled to the waiter and they made their orders. Wanting to waste no more time she got down to business once the waiter left.

"So what questions do you have for me Mr. Valentine?"

"It's Balentine, Ms. Collins with a B, and it is Dr. Wynn Balentine. Can I rightly assume it is Ms. and not Mrs.?" Dr. Balentine said.

"If that is your sly way of asking if I am single and looking you are right in one respect Dr. I am Ms. and not Mrs. but I am not looking for a name change. So if you don't mind I would rather we get down to business," Mara said frostily.

'Mara, don't look now, but you're being paged. Ahead of us two tables to the left. It's Theuderic the Wise, and a companion. Quite dashing in his bright orange jacket and not the least bit conspicuous isn't he,' Taurus said.

Mara looked up only to be blinded by Theo's jacket and made a mental note to stop by his house on the outside of town. Immortals! they never knew what was best for them. They thought that just because they couldn't die everything was just hunky dory. Damn that Theuderic I don't have time for him and his theatrics now. Mara closed her eyes, when she saw that people were beginning to notice the odd old man in the corner, and mumbled what sounded like Signum fye durnam echte ne moon: the room stilled. No one moved except Theuderic, Mara and Taurus.

"Theo! What have I told you about making a spectacle of yourself, and don’t' tell me it was all in good fun, I know you," Mara said as she waited for Theuderic to stand and look at her.

"Now, now Samara. It's my birthday and I should be able to do what I want on my birthday. I mean it’s not every day you turn 407 years old is it," Theuderic said.

"I know it’s your birthday but you know as well as I that going around in public in a getup that reeks of magic only leads to speculation and then we really have problems. So you either tone it down or the next time you need a rejuvenating draught I won't be available," she said.

"But Mara couldn't you over look the rules just once? In all my years, and there have been many, I haven’t been allowed to meddle in a little mischief. Not once," Theuderic said petulantly.

"Remember what happened to Isidora when she decided to meddle in a little mischief, don't you?"

"Of course, her magic was suspended for a hundred years and she went mad, but I’m not trying to take over the world. I just wanted a little company for a while. I was going to get rid of her later," Theuderic explained.

"Oh, really, how pray tell were you going to get rid of her? By using more magic that I would have to cover up, or by killing her like you did that other woman you'd made fall in love with you. What was her name again? Judy? Jane? No! it was Jenny. If I remember correctly I had to use magic to cover that up too, and I remember someone promising me that he wouldn't do it again. Now the person who made that promise couldn't have been you could it?" Mara said.

"Alright, you win. I'll finish my lunch date and send her home to mommy how’s that?" Theuderic said.

"I'll be checking up on her Theo. If she isn't alive, well and living a good life I’ll know who to blame for that won't I?" Mara said as she walked back to her table. she closed her eyes again and this time she muttered her spell backwards to restore time and everything went on as usual. She finished her conversation with Dr. Balentine and went on with her day. She had some appointments to keep with a group of the most volatile immortals on the planet: Vampires.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Well...

I thought I was up for writing tonight but I'm just not....Sorry readers...if your reading writing to me lately has become really hard for reasons I just can't fathom, though I have words in my head banging to get out when i sit down to write my mind goes so blank and i cant think of a single thing to write.

The only thing that comes to mind when I sit down and try to write something is "Why". That's it.

This is the first poem ever wrote for just me by Quiency Smith Brannan

You're beauty,
You'
re soul,
You’re the ideal, you’re the bold.
Together we two, hither goes the days.
Together we two, hither goes our nights.
In your voice, in your rhyme, I can feel time.
Your eager rescinding emotions make you seem kind,
I long for those times we have our fights,
I hope we shall know what the other says,

You are eternal, pragmatic, delightful.
Whirling about, a cloud ascends your heavenly being,
Fae, feeling, fun to the touch
There be none negative
There be only light:
That ember you are,
That smile that you give.
I howl to your soul, and pray for relief.
Like me, love me, but never rescind me;
Like me, love me, or know that I meet you fair.
Will you forgive the freight;
Will you reach to mine light?

This is the Poem I wrote for him there is a letter too but its to personal for an internet blog.


With this
I hope you know how much you mean to those who love you
I hope you cherish every day you wake with no pain
I hope you Love from the bottom of your soul
For every day you spend awake in my world you shine
My feelings for you are mixed in my mind but solid in my heart
You’re like a butterfly beautiful in its being short in its visit
I watch as you flit around from shoulder to shoulder never having a place to land
Or a home to be free
I watch as your life is taken for granted that forever and always you will be
With this
I hope it finds you thinking of the future
I hope you plan
I hope you find worth in just being yourself
For every day you spend awake in my world I believe in you






He loved me he just didn't trust in that love nor did he really believe in himself or trust in my belief in him.

He loved me but he never gave me the chance to love him and that makes me unbearably sad.


Monday, June 6, 2011

......

The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved...... Mother Theresa


Yes this is true.






A story....

I'm in a Broody mood and writing is a good way to work out a brood for me so I'm going to write a story....


Laying here in the night all I can think is will i ever have someone there to hold me when I need holding. Will there be someone there to cherish me, watch me sleep just because they can and love me with out reservation? It's hard for me to let go and let someone help me and protect me when I've done it all myself for 327years. Never in 327years have I had anyone to be there by my side for a week let alone for the eternity that is my existence.

Yes you read correctly I am 327years old though I only look 27, no I'm no vampire nor am I fae of a sort. I'm just me Lorna G. Hanover, Immortal. Don't Ask what the G stands for I've forgotten on purpose what it means. I don't know where I come from or who my parents are though the people who raised me are long gone by now. I just know that I'm alone in the world with the exception of the Fae, vampires and Ware that live in this world along with the humans.

The only powers I have it seems is to see Aura's and being able to shift and mold energy. Its come in handy for identifying the other species that live on this planet. The only Aura i cant see is my own and because I cant see my own aura i still don't know what i am nor how i came to be here in this world.

I am alone and worse yet I am lonely.

What to do now? Well....I guess I'll go feed...



Saturday, April 9, 2011

Good News and Bad News go hand in hand...

So let me tell you whats been going on here lately, okay? After I wrote that lovely 4part Monologue, applause here please, I got some good news.

My friend Melissa wanted to start an online magazine that dealt with REAL WOMEN! YES you heard it REAL WOMEN. Not those air brushed Barbie's you see in every magazine on earth. Women just like me and you and the people you know.

She's started with just the blog to see what kind of responses we'll get. Well the big thing about the website/blog/online magazine is that she wants me to write for her!

"Add scream here"

Okay so I said Yes, like I would dare turn down such a thing, "snort".
And so now I've written an introductory post for her for myself. Now its off to the races!

So that was the good news bad news is I got deathly ill right after i said yes to this whole thing. Just my luck! Okay so it wasn't DEATHLY ill but I was ill, but i'm not going to write about that here you can read it on http://unconditionallyyou.blogspot.com/ on Monday!

I'm so excited about this blog!

Other bad news is that financially things for me and sprite are going quite badly. I got a new car and my license expired not to mention the medical bills have started to arrive and I have no money for all of it shockingly enough.

I'm pretty stressed about it all really though I'm trying to pay for one thing at a time and one thing only. I start with rent, then utilities, then ballet (i'm not taking that from her when she loves it, even though the money for ballet could take care of something else, but i figure if i start off taking away her extra curricular to pay for a bill then thats the way we'd always do things.) So I'm going to use her TANF for her Ballet class and my money for everything else. The tag for my car is a one time a year payment so once its done its done. Same goes for my license and the medical bills even if they do total up to 400bucks.

Looking at the medical bills makes me want to move to Canada or England just to have the free health care. I'm not political so I wont go into all the politics. You won't ever see that from me as i don't follow politics.

The doctors bills are for my well woman check up from the gynocologyst along with an ultrasound the doctor had done because of my painful periods. None were found and everything looks normal along with all of my blood work came back normal and I don't have a thyroid problem but my Anemia has gotten out of control again. So the doc told me to buy a vitamin c supplement along with folic acid to help the iron absorb into my bloodstream.

He said thats where my fatigue and vertigo was coming from and to take the iron, vitamin C and Folic acid twice daily.

So i'm taking those vitamins along with the fertility health herbs and my prenatal all in one day though spaced out. Its odd taking that much medication for me anyway.

My Sprite is doing well she's going through stages of eating like a horse and then eating like a gnat but I've gotten her some new vitamins and some more pediasure for those days where she wont eat or will only eat very little or very slowly. We're still having bedtime potty issues but hopefully those will resolve themselves soon.

Other than that I guess you could say was more good news than bad news!

I haven't written anything new so here's something old...

My Archer

"A man, like clay, is molded by his surroundings," my dad used to say,” He starts to take shape of the beatings and the pounding."

I never understood what he meant when he said that. I just thought it was his way of looking at the world through his work. My dad was an artist one of the very best I always thought. He worked in clay, wood, and stone sculptures. I sometimes wonder why I don’t have any artistic ability but I like to think that I am better at some things than he was. Even though he was great at his art he didn’t have much of a head for anything else.

After having my son I think I understand what he meant by this saying of his. Being a single mom isn’t the greatest thing on the planet, and having no male influence I can see is already taking its toll on my son. Archer, he was named for my dad, is 4 and he's such a sensitive little boy. I wonder if having a father would have made him less sensitive. He's so smart and creative and a joy to be around but he's starting to get teased in school for being so different from the other boys. I fear sometimes if he will remember the hurtful things that they say and I fear how those mean words will mold his mind and his behaviors.

Yesterday he asked, "Mom, why don’t the other boys like me?" I had to sit and think of what to say for a minute then I said;

"Oh, honey. Not everyone likes everyone. I'm sorry that you’re having a rough go of it at school, but it will get better. In a month they won’t remember why they won’t like you and they'll move on to someone else to tease. Aren’t any of them your friend? I saw you playing with a little boy at school yesterday. Wasn’t he your friend?"

"He's the new kid. His name is Joel. He seems really nice and we did have fun yesterday. Does that mean were friends?" he said a little excited at the prospect of having a friend that wasn’t a girl.

"Well, he sounds like a good boy and it sounds like the beginning of a beautiful friendship to me," I said.

The days go by and Archer and Joel have become the best of friends. They laugh and play and Archer tells me of all they do at school. Then something strange happened the other day. Archer came home sad and withdrawn. I asked him;

“What’s wrong honey? Did you and Joel have an argument?”

“No,” he said.

“Then what is it? Come on you can tell me can’t you?”

Archer turned to me and for the first time in months wanted to be held and cuddled. He crawled in my lap and he just cried, cried, cried. I held him and I tried to comfort him When he finally calmed I waited for him to tell me what happened, and he said;

“Mom, why did it have to happen? Why did he go away?” he said

“I don’t understand honey. What hap……..” I said just as the phone rang.

“Hold on baby. Hello? Yes this is she.” I answered the phone. It turned out to be the principal of the school and he told me that Joel was found to be dead this morning in his home, cause of death unknown at this moment but the authorities would be looking into it.

I now knew the anguish my little boy was going through. Poor Archer and Poor sweet Joel for Archer had lost his very best friend and Joel had lost his life.

Over the next months I concentrated on getting Archer to understand life and death and that HE had nothing to do with Joel dying. We found out that Joel had died of a head injury that he had suffered 2 days before at school. What everyone thought was just a bad bump to the head turned out to be Talk and die syndrome. Joel had suffered such extensive brain damage when he fell from the playground equipment that it was only a matter of time before he did whether or not he had gotten medical treatment.

We went to Joel’s funeral and we go every week so that Archer can tell his friend what was happening at school. It helps him cope and in some way it helps me as well.

When my dad died right after Archer was born I took him to the grave site and I’ve taken him every month since his birth. So I guess he gets it from me.

It’s been 2 years since Archer lost Joel. Joel’s parents have gone through a divorce and his father has moved. We go and see Margaret twice a month just to sit and give her some company. Archer talks to her of what he talks to Joel about school, his art project, friends at school, trips we take.

She seems to be doing better and I attribute it all to my Sweet, sensitive boy. He still gets bullied at school and we’re still working it out, and assuredly we will have many more problems to whether but through it all he’s still my Archer.


Friday, March 18, 2011

title...

I have decided to title my monologue "He loved her"

It just seems right somehow to name such a devastating piece of work something that you would think would be so sweet.

The thing about it though is love can be a demented, twisted and evil thing if its tainted and if love is given for all the wrong reasons.

Most who love don't understand what it is to be loved or how to love themselves let alone someone else. So what happens when you love someone so much you can't stand being with them or without them?

To me "He loved her" is the obvious of what happens when love for someone is twisted into something that resembles hate and hurt.

I hope you all liked it even though it was dark and sad. And now you've all seen how my writing progresses to its final end.

Until next time...

Monday, March 14, 2011

Final Rewrite!!!!!!

So excited!!! Love this version more than the last 2 so i need some title suggestions please!


How does it feel…I wonder…to lose control of yourself in a way that you can not come back from? Do you know? I wonder if he lost himself and the only way to find it was to rage until he shattered all that mattered to him.

He committed emotional suicide you know. He can never come back from this. He was my brother, my friend and I loved him as such, even though he’s not blood, I loved him, and I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

You know when me and Wendell we’re children we did some of the craziest shit you could ever think of. (Laughs bitterly) we used to shoplift from the corner store just so that Mr. Harold behind the counter would cuss and chase us down the street. I knew even then he had problems but I never thought he’d be capable of this. This baffles me. I GREW up with him. I thought I knew him, but how could… (Cries)

We all thought we knew him Mr. District attorney. We never thought he’d beat her to death. I mean all we saw in the last 7 years were a couple bruises, the worst was a black eye and a bruise on her hip, never this. He was coming around. We had been waiting SHE had been waiting for him to change, that’s the whole reason she stayed, because she new that he had it in him to be a good man, a worthy man. Shebelieved in him that much. He was going to a therapist learning how to talk through is anger, and insecurities. He was looking for a way out of the pain and the rage. I guess he never found it.

What? No he never hurt, or abused the children. He loved them; never would he have done anything to them. He was a good father to them. I should hate him for this. We should all hate him for this, but how do you hate someone you’ve loved so long? How does it feel I wonder to hurt so bad that the only way to feel anything besides hurt is to hurt the person closest to you?

How did it feel? When? When I kicked her? When I hit her? When I killed her? (Shrugs) Does it matter? She’s gone, and it’s all her fucking fault, the bitch. Why couldn’t she just accept that I’ve changed? She had to belittle me and accuse me and be wary. WHY? She never could trust me.

No, Mr. District Attorney I didn’t want to kill her. I just wanted her to hurt as much as I hurt. As much as she hurt me, why couldn’t she see that I just wanted to love her and I wanted her to love me? I was TRYING to be better to be something other than I always had been with her. I wanted to change for myself and for her. I didn’t want my kids to grow up the way I did seeing their dad be abusive. I was TRYING to be better. To do better, but did she accept that? NO! She wanted me to take SHIT from her. ME take shit? NO I give shit I don’t take it. Our friends told me to TAKE IT, because she’d taken it from me for so long, what are they crazy? You want to know how it started. Okay I’ll tell you.

Wendell get out of here. I’m trying to get ready for work. Why do you always do this? I can’t get ready for work by myself? What are you afraid that someone is going to steal me from the bathroom as I dress myself before I go to tuck our children to bed? GET OUT OF HERE! God why can’t you just LEAVE ME ALONE!

That’s right LEAVE! I can’t stand this you’re always watching me and keeping tabs on me and controlling everything. How do you think it feels to be so smothered and patronized and so distrusted?

(Scoffs) “Pfft, really? Why so you can check up on me and make sure I’m not sleeping with anyone? I’m not calling you Wendell so you can forget it…”

She was getting ready to go to work and all I did was ask her a simple question, okay. I asked “Hey call me on your break okay?” and she had to be a bitch about it and be SMART about it and say “Why so you can check up on me and make sure I’m not sleeping with anybody?” Really?! REALLY?! The bitch! Like she had a right to question me? I was the one who had to question HER.

You know I almost walked away, I really did but then she said, “I’m not calling you Wendell. So forget it.” The last thing I remember before I hit her was that she looked like she was going to say something else but WHAT did she have to say that would make it better? All I wanted was a simple phone call after her shift at the factory. That’s it. Is it too much to ask of her husband for his wife to call him during her break?

Bitch.

That sorry son of a bitch, I was his friend. I loved him and I was trying to counsel him on his marriage to my sister. He wasmy brother I loved him like a brother, and he killed her and in killing her he killed himself. How am I supposed to explain to their kids that they have to move because daddy killed mommy, huh? They’re 5 and 3 how are they supposed to understand this? I don’t understand this.

He promised he was getting help for his anger and his rage. I guess it didn’t help did it? He was my best friend and I trusted him with my sister’s life and he took it from her after 7years of marriage and 2 kids.

Did he explain why? Did he tell you why he beat her to death Mr. District attorney? I want to know why. I want to be able to explain this to my mother. I want her to know why she doesn’t have a daughter any longer. No? He didn’t give a reason? But there has to be a reason, there has to be. The man shattered a toilet there has to be a reason for that much anger.

But no it’s just like Wendell to not say anything when it really matters. You know my wife’s friend was over the last time we saw Wendell and Lauren. She’s a writer and brought over a monologue and poem that she had written for my wife to read and get her opinion on and during it she thought it was odd that Wendell got up in the middle of the poem and left the room and didn’t come back till the reading of both was over.

I told her that she was seeing too much and it was probably nothing. I wonder now how he felt to hear his own thoughts. What do I mean? Well my wife’s friend wrote a monologue about an abused woman talking to a police officer and telling why she wouldn’t leave her husband. The poem was about an abusive relationship from a husband’s point of view and telling how obsessed he was with her and why she needed to die.

It was very dark and powerful, now I see it as foreshadowing as to what was to come but how were we to know?

How were we to know that he’d do this to his family? How were we to prevent something like this? How do you ask that? There was no way to know this would happen.

My friend? What friend? My writer friend? What does Vivienne have to do with this? Oh my husband told you about her monologue and poem? Why? Yes I remember Wendell getting up and walking away during the middle. I didn’t think anything of it why? She thought it was strange? She didn’t tell me. She told Pierce? Why? How in the HELL do you think that someone who didn’t even know Wendell well would be able to know when he’s acting odd and we, who have known him his whole life didn’t realize that he was headed for a breakdown.

How could she of all people have seen this when we didn’t? Oh God…how did we not see?

How could she not see that I loved her and wanted to change for her and our family? I was so angry with her. I wanted her down and broken like she’d made me.

What have I done?! Laura I’m sorry! Laura! Please! I’m sorry…you shouldn’t have…you shouldn’t have…What was I to do, huh? Oh God… how do I take it back?

My kids how will my kids understand that I did love her more than anything but it was to much…too much. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t breath, she suffocated me just by being, and she took my breath, my love, all of me. She had to give some back Mr. District Attorney do you understand? She. Had. To. Give. Some. Back. I couldn’t breath.

Please, please, let me see my kids let me talk to them and tell them that I did love her I do love her. She was everything to me. Oh God what have I done…

LAURA………………Please baby…………please…I’m so sorry. (Sobs)

I’m sorry Laura. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner. He was my friend, and I loved him, I’m so sorry I failed you. Laura, I didn’t protect you, and for that I’ll always be sorry.

Oh, God Laura, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Please Laura forgive us where ever you are forgive us for being so blind.

Oh God, I tried…I did…I tried so hard to love her the way I thought she should be loved… (Sobs bitterly turning from sob to laugh after pause)

That was the last thing I said to her…….and the last thing I remember was screaming as blood went everywhere “I tried this for you…For You…I TRIED THIS FOR YOU!”


Sunday, March 13, 2011

Rewrite!

Let me know what you all think of it!

Again the black and blue are men while the purple and green are women. Its now a 4part monologue with two women and two men.

Tell me if you like it better or worse than the original.

How does it feel…I wonder…to lose control of yourself in a way that you can not come back from? Do you know? I wonder if he lost himself and the only way to find it was to rage until he shattered all that mattered to him.

He committed emotional suicide you know. He can never come back from this. He was my brother, my friend and I loved him as such, even though he’s not blood, I loved him, and I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

You know when me and Wendell we’re friends we did some of the craziest shit you could ever think of. (Laughs bitterly) we used to shoplift from the corner store just so that Mr. Harold behind the counter would cuss and chase us down the street. I knew even then he had problems but I never thought he’d be capable of this. This baffles me. I GREW up with him. I thought I knew him, but how could…(cries)

Oh, Pierce, you couldn’t know Wendell. I didn’t even know Wendell and I married him. He was a confused, angry and bitter person even in childhood. I can’t believe he could do this to me either but really what choice did he have?

We all thought we knew him Mr. District attorney. We never thought he’d beat her to death. I mean all we saw in the last 7 years were a couple bruises, the worst was a black eye and a bruise on her hip never this. He was coming around. We had been waiting SHE had been waiting for him to change, that’s the whole reason she stayed, because she new that he had it in him to be a good man, a worthy man. She believed in him that much. He was going to a therapist learning how to talk through is anger, and insecurities. He was looking for a way out of the pain and the rage. I guess he never found it.

What? No he never hurt, or abused the children. He loved them; never would he have done anything to them. He was a good father to them. I should hate him for this. We should all hate him for this, but how do you hate someone you’ve loved so long? How does it feel I wonder to hurt so bad that the only way to feel anything besides hurt is to hurt the person closest to you?

Ask Wendell how it feels and he’ll tell you. Janine you saw what you wanted to see and still you don’t see clearly. The bruises you saw were just the surface of what happened to me in my home and in my marriage. What you saw was exactly what Wendell and I wanted you to see. Yes Wendell was a good father and no he would never hurt the children but how many times did I call to cancel on something you’d planned with a lame excuse and how many times did you overlook the obvious and take the excuse. You were blind Janine and you always were.

How did it feel? When? When I kicked her? When I hit her? When I killed her? (Shrugs) Does it matter? She’s gone, and it’s all her fucking fault, the bitch. Why couldn’t she just accept that I’ve changed? She had to belittle me and accuse me and be wary. WHY? She never could trust me.

No, Mr. District Attorney I didn’t want to kill her. I just wanted her to hurt as much as I hurt. As much as she hurt me, why couldn’t she see that I just wanted to love her and I wanted her to love me? I was TRYING to be better to be something other than I always had been with her. I wanted to change for myself and for her. I didn’t want my kids to grow up the way I did seeing their dad be abusive. I was TRYING to be better. To do better, but did she accept that? NO! She wanted me to take SHIT from her. ME take shit? NO I give shit I don’t take it. Our friends told me to TAKE IT, because she’d taken it from me for so long, what are they crazy? You want to know how it started. Okay I’ll tell you.

She was getting ready to go to work and all I did was ask her a simple question, okay. I asked “Hey call me on your break okay?” and she had to be a bitch about it and be SMART about it and say “Why so you can check up on me and make sure I’m not sleeping with anybody?” Really?! REALLY?! The bitch! Like she had a right to question me? I was the one who had to question HER.

You know I almost walked away, I really did but then she said, “I’m not calling you Wendell. So forget it.” The last thing I remember before I hit her was that she looked like she was going to say something else but WHAT did she have to say that would make it better? All I wanted was a simple phone call after her shift at the factory. That’s it. Is it too much to ask of her husband for his wife to call him during her break?

Bitch.

Yes Wendell it is too much to ask when it’s you who’s doing the asking. Yes I was being SMART and yes I was being snide to you because you deserved it. God I was so ANGRY with you because the only reason you wanted me to call you was so that you could have control just like always. I was sick of it for once and no I couldn’t trust you. Look at me I’m dead, because of you! I will never be able to see my children grow and be there for them. It’s a consolation to me that you won’t be there either, bastard.

I wanted to leave you so many times but stayed because I loved you, not because you loved me but because I loved you and was willing to take all your abuse just to be with you! ASSHOLE! You killed me! You fucking KILLED me…

That sorry son of a bitch, I was his friend. I loved him and I was trying to counsel him on his marriage to my sister. He was my brother I loved him like a brother, and he killed her and in killing her he killed himself. How am I supposed to explain to their kids that they have to move because daddy killed mommy, huh? They’re 5 and 3 how are they supposed to understand this? I don’t understand this.

He promised he was getting help for his anger and his rage. I guess it didn’t help did it? He was my best friend and I trusted him with my sister’s life and he took it from her after 7years of marriage and 2 kids.

Did he explain why? Did he tell you why he beat her to death Mr. District attorney? I want to know why. I want to be able to explain this to my mother. I want her to know why she doesn’t have a daughter any longer. No? He didn’t give a reason? But there has to be a reason, there has to be. The man shattered a toilet there has to be a reason for that much anger.

But no it’s just like Wendell to not say anything when it really matters. You know my wife’s friend was over the last time we saw Wendell and Lauren. She’s a writer and brought over a monologue and poem that she had written for my wife to read and get her opinion on and during it she thought it was odd that Wendell got up in the middle of the poem and left the room and didn’t come back till the reading of both was over.

I told her that she was seeing too much and it was probably nothing. I wonder now how he felt to hear his own thoughts. What do I mean? Well my wife’s friend wrote a monologue about an abused woman talking to a police officer and telling why she wouldn’t leave her husband. The poem was about an abusive relationship from a husband’s point of view and telling how obsessed he was with her and why she needed to die.

It was very dark and powerful, now I see it as foreshadowing as to what was to come but how were we to know?

Yes I remember that poem and that monologue and thought that it was so true for my life except I wasn’t as cowed as the woman in the monologue or poem, though I used to be. In the year that he’d been changing so was I. I had become stronger and self sufficient and knew that if he became abusive again I could leave and support my children no problem. Wendell to me wasn’t a necessity anymore but a want. I wanted him because I loved him. I wanted him to be the man he was trying to be, but I knew he couldn’t and I knew it would all go wrong…if only I knew how wrong. You couldn’t have known though brother. Even with Vivienne’s observations I didn’t think it weird that Wendell got up and left during the reading of her work. I guess I should have when he came back and didn’t comment on her writing nor did he want her to reread it either.

No, there was no way you could have known, because even then I didn’t, and I knew him better than anyone.

How were we to know that he’d do this to his family? How were we to prevent something like this? How do you ask that? There was no way to know this would happen.

My friend? What friend? My writer friend? What does Vivienne have to do with this? Oh my husband told you about her monologue and poem? Why? Yes I remember Wendell getting up and walking away during the middle. I didn’t think anything of it why? She thought it was strange? She didn’t tell me. She told Pierce? Why? How in the HELL do you think that someone who didn’t even know Wendell well would be able to know when he’s acting odd and we, who have known him his whole life didn’t realize that he was headed for a breakdown.

How could she of all people have seen this when we didn’t? Oh God…how did we not see?

Don’t blame them, please, they loved us both how can you fault them for that? They still love us both but they’re also grieving for us both as well, because not only did they lose a sister but a brother and friend as well. Please Mr. District Attorney don’t fault them for not rescuing me.

How could she not see that I loved her and wanted to change for her and our family? I was so angry with her. I wanted her down and broken like she’d made me.

What have I done?! Laura I’m sorry! Laura! Please! I’m sorry…you shouldn’t have…you shouldn’t have…What was I to do, huh? Oh God… how do I take it back?

My kids how will my kids understand that I did love her more than anything but it was to much…too much. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t breath, she suffocated me just by being, she took my breath, my love, my whole being. She had to give some back Mr. District Attorney do you understand? She. Had. To. Give. Some. Back. I couldn’t breath.

Please, please, let me see my kids let me talk to them and tell them that I did love her I do love her. She was everything to me. Oh God what have I done…

LAURA………………Please baby…………please…I’m so sorry. (Sobs)

I know your sorry Wendell but that doesn’t change what you’ve done. It never will.

I’m sorry Laura. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner. He was my friend, and I loved him, I’m so sorry I failed you. You will always be my baby sister and I your big brother, Laura, I didn’t protect you, and for that I’ll always be sorry.

Oh big brother you couldn’t have saved me from Wendell anymore than I wanted to be saved from him. You didn’t fail I did because I didn’t get out in time. I let our love blow me up into a million pieces and didn’t see it until it was too late.

Oh, God Laura, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Please Laura forgive us where ever you are forgive us for being so blind.

Forgive you? Of course I forgive you, though there is nothing to forgive. I loved Wendell and never would I have thought that he would kill me. He loved me. So much Wendell loved me I knew that I just didn’t… couldn’t trust anything he said. I knew he’d never hurt the children and he was always a good father and for that alone I loved him.

The last thing I remember him saying before I lost consciousness was “I tried this for you!” I remember he screamed it over and over and over as he bashed my head into the side of the toilet and kicked me in the chest.

My last thought was how was of the children. Poor Pierce and Janine they loved Wendell so much. This will eat at them for years, though I don’t blame them as this was no ones fault but my own and Wendell’s.

I turned a blind eye to a lot of things where my relationship with Wendell was concerned. When he said he was going to become a better man for me and the children but most of all for himself I laughed, I shouldn’t have. There were a lot of things I shouldn’t have done and now I can never go back.

Mr. District Attorney I see you look down on my broken and bruised body in the morgue and I see the pity and anger in your eyes, but I loved him and I know he loved me. What are we to do when love takes over us and instead of setting us free holds us captive?

Pierce was right Wendell committed suicide he will never be whole again and our children are now without a father and a mother. No, Mr. District Attorney don’t be angry be sad for the waste of life and the loss of love, be sad because my brother and his wife will have to take the place of me and my husband with our children. Be sad Mr. District Attorney because anger is what brought me here. Anger beat me down in that bathroom and shattered my scull. Anger is what keeps me here seething in bitterness, please… Mr. District Attorney don’t be angry… be sad.