Break is over................:(

So Thanksgiving break is over and I has the sadz :`(

I really don't want to go back to the BS that is my job. I love the kids and can't wait to see them light up when they get to class tomorrow but damnit I can leave the rest.

Aside from that this week should be uneventful like the rest of my life has been, lol. The only adventures I have are in my head.

I got about Half my christmas shopping done and need the other half to do. Which means that Sprites is all thats left really, lol. Unfortunately I don't start shopping for Sprite till after her birthday which is in the first week of December. Once she's done then I'm finished for the year, lol.

We're putting up the tree this week, and all I can say to that is that while I like to decorate for the holidays I really can't like christmas as I always seem to get depressed around this time of year and even my books and writing can keep the depression at bay.

Maybe this year will be different since Sprite is old enough to be enthralled with Christmas and santa and this is the year I need to start thinking Traditions instead of just Christmas by the book.

Good thing about this week is that the pics we took last week will be coming up online for us to look at and order and I can't wait to see them! I'll be sure to post a few here for you all to gawk at us.

I need to find something to keep me busy through Christmas and Newyears as those days/nights are my worst for lonliness to creep in besides Valentines day of course. I hate Valentines day with a vengeance......................it's a vile day that needs to be wiped from the face of holidays.

After that passage of sadness what next?

Well Sprite has the croup, mild form of it that just has her congested like no other and weezing a bit. I've been giving her eucalyptus infusions under a croup tent for the congestion and she's better. She had fever early in the week that has since passed.

If the fever comes back or her breathing gets worse we will be going to the docs next week. So cross your fingers that no docs are needed, lol.

I want to get my hair trimmed and flatironed for Sprites bday party coming up mostly because I just want to pamper myself and for more practical reasons is that my ends are crunchy and need a cut.

I got nothing else, gosh my life is boring no wonder no one reads this blog or my posts on bbc, @@ pathetic.

Here's some poetry

Read "What if" as if it were 3people in a conversation the far left being one person the middle being another and the far right being another.

What if

What if a book were only infinite memory of a word lacking?—Edward Jabes

What if the word lacking was one of substance?

One of feeling

One of sense
One of general goodness

A word such as hope

Hope in times of sadness
Hope in times of gladness
Hope in something that will one day be

Like a happy family of your own

What if the book were only infinite memories?

Memories of a love lost
Memories of a love found
Memories of a time that knew no bounds

Memories of wandering through the woods and never getting lost.
Memories of 6 children and out of all of them only the oldest knew real fear.

What if the infinite memory of a word were lost?

Lost and were gone forever
Lost but found between the pages of a book
Lost and found but soon forgotten

Lost and found a lover, friend, or a family member long gone.
Lost memories, lost words, lost in such a way that when found you smile at the memory but soon forget the comings and goings of a lost thought.

What if the word lacking were only a book of infinite memory?

Hurts
What hurts mean the most?

Is it when you fall and scrape your knee?
Is it when you break a bone or find that you cannot see?

No, not those hurts they mean little and harm even less. It is when you’re heart breaks but still life goes on.

When do hurts fail to heal?

Are they hurts that can’t be forgotten?
Are they hurts that fail to seal?

No, not these hurts, the forgotten you never remember and the unseal able you build a bridge. It’s the hurt you try to be happy in spite of but weighs you down like wet cement.

When does happiness bring more hurt than joy?

Is it when a child is born?
Is it when love fails?
No, it is when you find the one you’re meant to be with and watch as he marries your friend.

Confusion

He ruined it
Ruined it I say
Ruined it into a completion that far spans a day
He ruined it for eternity

It was wonderful
It was grand
The beauty of it would make glass into sand

It was glorious
It was sweet
It most definitely made me weak

But he ruined it
Ruined it all
With the words he said even though they were small
And still he said them

We were happy
We were free
We were all that we could be
And yet we’re not….still

He ruined it
It’s all his fault
Why couldn’t he leave us alone…to let everything rise or fall

The simplest thing went wrong

Because…… he said……..I love you

I'm so excited!!!

So I told you all about a Lullaby by Adele Enerson on Mila's Daydreams blog and I can say that Mrs. Enerson was very gracious when I asked her to take a look at my story and give her permission for me to link her blog to my blog for the lullaby. She said "Yes" and she said she liked my story and for me to keep writing!!!!!

I love her and I think she is the best!!! Here's the link to her blog with the Lullaby in it http://milasdaydreams.blogspot.com/2010/11/lullaby-for-mila.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+MilasDaydreams+%28Mila%27s+Daydreams%29

So here's my story,

The Lullaby

The child was magic. Everywhere she went flowers bloomed, dreams became reality, and when she sang creatures danced. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her as she looked to be the ordinary child, red of hair, fair of face, delightful, but contrary disposition, a child not rare in the world but utterly magical.
Alim was her name she was bright, strong, loving and old of soul. She loved to sing, but in her singing was when her magic gained flight.
One day while Alim was playing in the forest, out of sight of her house, she started to sing a lullaby that had no words. As she sang she started to twirl and all around Alim the woods came to life. The sun was high in the sky giving the woods a golden glow and a mist started to form at the base of the trees gilded with the sunlight and alive with the purple aura of magic. Alim was unawares of the happenings around her for she had closed her eyes to the song and sang from her heart.
In the clearing of the woods where Alim had wondered the sun framed her burnished curls as she twirled in her white dress around and around eyes closed, hands spread all the while humming her lullaby. What a delight she was to behold.
Alim’s mother noticing that she was out of sight of the house went in search of Alim and while walking through the wood found that all was silent but for a gentle dreamy hum of a lullaby. “Alim?” she said softly and followed the sound.
As she walked she also noticed that the creatures of the wood were no where to be seen. There wasn’t a squirrel in the trees or a rabbit underfoot. Not even a bird singing loftily above her head. She stopped and looked around, curious, dumfounded, and still hearing the strange lullaby hummed softly by her child.
She continued to walk; this mother of magic, when she came upon Alim in the clearing and her haunting lullaby, what she saw made her catch her breath soundlessly in wonder.
Alim was twirling and humming a song that flowed from her heart and out of her throat. It had no words that she knew of just sound and feeling. She didn’t know when it would end, or if it would never stop. She hummed and then she opened her mouth and she sang and it was beautiful.
Alim never opened her eyes as she sang and twirled but all around her the animals of the wood were dancing in the mist. The purple gilt of the mist had given the creatures and Alim a wondrous sense of mystery and fantasy. It was a child’s dream come to life. Bears in tiara are waltzing with rabbits in tailcoats, fawns in gowns gliding around the clearing like ballerinas, and squirrels in top hats providing musical accompaniment to Alim’s song.
Alim’s mother was in awe of what she saw in the clearing with Alim at its center. It was as if someone dreamed.
Alas as all dreams do, though, it came to an end, and as the last cords of Alim’s song came to a close she twirled one last time and sang softly as she opened her eyes to behold her living daydream of an Animal Ball.

What to do.......

What to do when you feel lonely? Seek out company right? Well what do you do when you only have 3 in real life friends and they're all busy with their families. Well I write and listen to music when I'm lonely and in need of companionship of the adult kind, lol. Sounds pathetic I know but its all I've got as of now.

I love my Sprite I really do but there is only so much 3yearold companionship that I can handle especially when all they talk about is Dora, Caillou, or someother cartoon. I love it when she makes up stories or wants to read with me but when you spend all your days with 17 three yearolds and very little adult converstation it gets tiring and lonely in this world of mine.

I've made new friends, parents of a couple of my students, and while I love them as they are as weird as I am (and in someways weirder, LOL) they seem to get me, so far, and accept me as ME! Which is all that is required of a friend really.

I bought a new dress and this is me in it!!!!

What do you think? One of my friends says she didn't like it but she only saw this pic so she needs to see it in person! Everyone else said that they LOVE it on me and that I look great in it! I got it from Avon by the way if your interested in buying one for yourself, lol.

I was reading a favorite blog of mine called "Mila's Daydreams" I'm sure you've heard of it :) and the author of the blog has written, with the help of her husband, a lullaby for her daughter Mila that was soooo compelling to me that I had to write a story about it!

It's a beautiful story that I will post here after I have gotten approval from Adel Enersson for writing a story about her lullaby. I want her to have approval whether I post the story or not because of the people who have been stealing photo's of her daughter and posting them without her permission. So out of respect for her talent I asked her to read my story and approve it and then to allow me to publish it to my blog.

You have no idea what a release it was to have the inspiration to write something as I haven't had the energy or wherewithal to write anything new for a long time. It's so freeing to beable to have a story, character in your mind and then to get it all on paper just as you see it in your head. Its freeing to me to have an outlet for the voices in my head that try to tell me about themselves.

If you don't know what its like picture a thing that you want or a song that makes you smile and then imagine that the thing you want is sold out or the song that you heard once or twice and fell in love with only to never hear it again. Then imagine that that thing came up for grabs at a discounted price and you were able to afford it or that the song that had haunted you for days/weeks/months finally came out on cd and you finally got to hear it again after so long. Doesn't it make you smile? Doesn't it give you a release so profound that you become inordinantly proud of it that you have to show it off or play it for everyone that comes around.

THAT is what its like to have stories/voices/characters in your head and to finally get them on paper in a way that makes the imagery in your head worthwhile, and sometimes, sometimes its better on paper than it ever was in your head:)

You all will have to settle for something thats not my new story till I get approval from Mrs. Enersson but when you do get to read it it will be worth the wait.

This painting is by Berthe Morisot and was my inspiration for the story below as it was my humanities homework, :)

Anticipation

I will never understand or know why he picked me that night, but I thank God everyday that he did. Still, even now I always wonder ‘What did he see in me that made me ‘the one.’ Do you know why, because I don’t know why a man of thirty-five would choose to marry a girl of sixteen? I see myself as I did then a girl frightened to death of what was to come, but hoping to please an unpleasant father.
You see then it was a happy time for the world was young and the industrial age just beginning. Women wore dresses, gloves and hats on a daily basis, and oh, how I longed to be one of them when I grew up. Then when it happened I wanted to go back. Back to the care free days of when I was a child watching my brothers and sisters playing and laughing. Being the youngest of five I was spoiled and cherished….until.
Until the fever came and I and my father the only survivors. To this day I don’t think he ever forgave me for that. For being his only living daughter and not his only living son. I had a nanny from then on along with untold tutors. I was taught well and given everything a girl needed but not wanted. I was tutored to become a lady and a lady I became. Then I turned sixteen and it was time for me to marry.
On the day I was to meet my betrothed my father said,
“I have done my duty by you Daughter. Now it is your turn to do your duty by me. Gibe me grandsons. I need an heir for I refuse to leave everything to some pea witted female.”
I could only stare as he left my room, and when Nanny came to me I cried. She calmed me and held me close and when my tears finally dried I said,
“Oh, Nanny, It’s horrible. He doesn’t care. I realize that now. He only cares about a male heir. You heard what he said to me. Now I’m afraid he’s paid some man to be the stud to my brood mare. Oh, I hate him. I do. I hate them all.” I looked up and Nanny looked at me with sad eyes that knew and saw too much, and I felt guilty. Guilty and ashamed like I had betrayed the memory of my family somehow by saying those words. I don’t’ remember what Nanny said to me after that but I do know that it made me feel as if the new life I was getting would be better than the one I was leaving.
When nanny left I dressed myself not waiting for the maid for now I was filled with anticipation for the life that I know could not be worse than the one I was living. I stood in front of the mirror for long moments wondering ‘What will he see in me? Will he see me or only what he wants to see? Will he like me? Will I fall madly in love like one of Nanny’s stories?’ all the thoughts that go on in a young girls head when meeting with a man.
I stood in front of the mirror thinking all those rampant thoughts until I found the courage to walk down the stairs. Now that I look back it was the worst and best day of my life. I got a loving husband and I left the only person to ever love me after the tragic deaths of my mother and siblings, my Nanny, all at once. It was bittersweet day. A year past before my father finally got his wish for a grandson, but he never lived to see him born. In the end he had to leave everything to me ‘a pea witted female.’ I and my husband had three children two sons and a daughter. She is the very image of me who, I found out later, is the very image of my mother. This I found out while going through the things in my fathers house. A painting done of my mother when she was but a girl looking at it made me see what my father always did when he looked at me, my mother. I looked closer and there was a plaque on the front of the painting that titled it “Anticipation” and described “the Painting of Lilith on the eve of her wedding.”
As I looked at this painting I remembered staring at myself the very same way when I was to meet my husband Marshall. And after all these years of having a happy and love filled life despite my father, or maybe because of him, I still wonder if he ever saw me for me, or remembered my name. Maybe I looked too much like my beloved mother, his wife, for him to stand the sight of me. I don’t know and I never will. He never addressed me as anything but “Daughter.” Even on his death bed he called me “Daughter” and not by name. So when I look at this beautiful painting of my mother and think of the way I felt and looked at myself in the mirror on that fateful day it makes me think of my father and I want to scream at him and say,
“My name is’ Kaythrine’ Father not ‘Daughter’ remember! Remember when I was your little Kaytie Kat! Remember!”
Of course I can do no such thing, and will never do it, because I was tutored to be a lady and a lady I became.

Its been a while......

So its been a while since I've blogged. I hope you missed me!

So much has happened but at the same time nothing of import has really been going on. I've been working and I still love the kids. Still plan on looking for a nother job come March though as I cant stand the thought of going back in August to a whole new bunch of kids as I Love the ones I have now. Also because I do love children I don't think I could be a teacher for very long because I want my own children and being with children all the live long day makes me not want to come home to my own child let alone have more. So I can not continue this job and have more children because I am worn out by the end of it and don't want to see another snotty face for a long time.

It's safe to say, I think, that I am burnt out on school in general. As I want NOTHING to do with another school directly not for a very long time. Dealing with school indirectly through Sprite is one thing but dealing with either the techicle aspects of school or the studious aspect of school is too much and I heartily dislike being a teacher and I most definitly don't want to be a student anymore.

As it is though I have been thrust back into being a student though a student with a very light load. I was told after training for my headstart job and after I had started teaching that I needed to take the ELECCT training test and pass it in order to keep the job that I have now. Well Okay I said as long as its easy and its something thats not going to take time out of my normal duties. "No" I was told "it would only take a few minutes at work to take and to pass its easy."

WRONG!!!!!! Its a Training Class that lasts for a few weeks that I have to study for, do homework for, along with quizzes and take a final for at the end of the 3 weeks or however long it lasts. But since its online none of the bosses that told me about the damn thing thought it was an actual class. I almost quit when I found out it was a class as I am still so abhorrently opposed to school right now. I literally said "Who do I need to post my resignation letter to? Because I didn't sign up for going back to school to be a daycare teacher, thank you very much!"

Because if you didn't know that is very nearly exactly what a Headstart teacher is a glorified daycare provider. There is nothing that I am doing now that I didn't do when I did work for a daycare except that there is more paperwork involved, there are no babies, and you don't send home sick kids.

Everything that I am teaching the 3yearolds in my class is damn near the exact same things I was teaching my 2-3yearolds at daycare. I don't like it. Though I will stick it out till may that is as far as I'm willing to go.

Today is Housecleaning day and I am done for now as i've cleaned the kitchen and the living room along with the bathroom with the exceptions of the dishes and scrubbing the tub and toilet. After I finish this blog I am going to my new friends house to help her paint her house. She's a cool chick and one of her kids is my student in class. She has invited me to her house on the 20th of this month for an early thanksgiving because she's making Aisan turkey (as she's aisan) she said it was going to be like Peking duck but with Turkey as you can't really find duck OK unless you shoot it first, lol.

I'm excited and looking forward to it like MAD! They have a cool house too and beautiful carpet that I could sleep on its so soft!

I get to house sit come thanksgiving break YEAH!!! This is what I consider my vacation as they have everything I want in their house, ie.....a dishwasher, hot tub, and washer and dryer are top three!!!

I can't wait for 2weeks from now!

I'm still on a search for a man so that I can have a baby or two without going to the sperm bank as its really expensive and I'm pretty sure that my insurance, when it kicks in, doesn't offer fertility treatmens, lol.

I feel bitter when ever I see a woman/girl with a pregnant belly as I'm filled with soooo much jealousy because I want to be pregnant more than anything else right now.

But like my granny says "People in Hell want Ice water" so you can't always get what you want, lol.

Unlike people in hell I really hope I have a better chance of getting pregnant soon then they do of getting ice water.

Well thats all for now as I've got to get on the road. Here's a poem or two to keep you occupied till I get back.

Obsession

She was all I thought about
An obsession……that I couldn’t control
I couldn’t let her alone

We married and then it seemed that things went so wrong
She wasn’t what I wanted…….exactly
She was something that needed to be made

I tried to fix her
I tried to educate her, and make her what I needed her to be
She never could do anything right, it seemed…… to me

She embarrassed me
So she needed to be punished

Not physically, I’m not a monster
So, I took the things that meant most to her
Her parents
Her friends

No one was left but me, now maybe…….when I am all she has she’ll understand……….that it’s just me
Who cares
Who knows what’s best
Who loves her

She is starting to get it right
She is not so willful
Life was good for me

Until she tried to leave
Well I couldn’t let that happen
What would people say?

I hate her now

I brought her back
She tried to fight back
But in the end she just begged for her life.

This is what love looks like, yes? Oh how I wished for love when I was young. I wanted what this picture represents. I wanted those tingles of lust, those unrelenting feelings of want, need and desire of the person who had won my affection. Oh, how I would have cherished that feeling. How I would have enjoyed my life more.
I look at this picture everyday thinking what did I do wrong to deserve nothing but grief? What did I do, maybe in a past life, that was so wrong to warrant the unrelenting despair of my world?
I am 87years old and this is me on my wedding night. Don’t I look happy, don’t I deserve love?
That night was so, so special to me, for it was the start of what I thought was going to be the rest of my life filled with love.
My God I look so happy in this picture I could puke, for what is waiting for me in just a few days is so unspeakable that I hardly know where to begin.
But begin I must, for if I do not start how will it begin to end.
I am 87years old and I do not know how to say that for the past 60 years I have been living a lie.
Most people will start telling you their lives stories now, yes? Well Mr. Reporter I will not start at the beginning of my life but I will start at the end so that you will know the worst of my life. So that when I start over at the beginning you will see that no matter the reasoning the ending out come can not be rectified. No matter even if the reason is love. For I did love him but those feelings could not even begin to be what this photograph shows. The feelings I had for my husband and the feelings he had for me were twisted long before this photograph was taken. You see we were meant to be. The tragedies of our childhoods lead us to be together even beyond death, even beyond life. He WAS my soul-mate and he always will be.
In 60years this story hasn’t had an ending but today it ends with me, today I confess.
In this photo I was 27years old, and had known my husband for 5years, and in those 5 years we honed our skill. So that when we moved to a new state we could start a new.
Yes we killed all those people. Yes we killed all those Men, Women and Teens, but they deserved it, oh yes they did, for they were bad, but we were worse.
For we were THE WARDENS OF POWER we were the PARENTS OF FATE. We killed over 100 people in 10years. We stole more than 100 babies and children. All of them from abusive homes, but that don’t make it better does it? No, I didn’t think so, but you see it doesn’t matter, not really. Not anymore, for today is the day I die and I want the truth to be known.

Much Ado About Nothing.....

Aside from being the movie verson of a Shakespear play that I just finished watching, I think it aptly describes the last couple of weeks.

The week before last I put my car in the shop for repairs and it stayed at the shop for a week and a half. *shakes head* Ohhhhh my life. On Wednesday of this past week I got it out of the shop with $557.92 ohhhh my poor frugal soul.............it literally hurt to hand over my debit card for that much money! All my savings for the next 2mos rent gone and now I must start over. Not to mention that when I got the car back and started driving it its making an aweful whinning noise that it didn't have before, go figure. For that much money it should purr like a cat and catch mice too while its at it. *sigh*

At school the last couple weeks it has been undescribable, completely. The week before last I had to spend the morning on the phone with CPS to call in a referral on one of my kids for something that I can not talk about here. Sufice it to say that it was BAD. After that me and one of my fellow teacher's had a teeny misunderstanding. Let me tell you about it..............

It all started with an email advising me of a new student, lets call him Mando, in this email that was sent to me as well as my fellow teacher because it had some things in it pertinent to her as well as me. Anyway the email said that Mando's parents were having a strained marriage and to work with them on getting transportation established. That's all it said about Mando. No more no less.

Well my fellow teacher and her aide asked me if I got the email about Mando's parents going through a bad divorce and needing help. Well, No, I said I didn't get any such email about them going through a divorce and them needing help. So I asked "why did you get the email? and when did you get it? What did it say?"

The aide said "we got it yesterday. All it said was that Mando's parents were going through a difficult divorce and we needed to show him some consideration and help them out a bit."

I said "Help them out with what? I'm not a family councilor. I have nothing to do with that boy's home life unless they bring it to my school. I'm not getting involved there."

Aide said "well its our jobs to help him adjust to his parents divorce and to show him a little compassion and understanding during this hard time that their going through, don't you think. I mean if their going through a bad divorce its understandable that he's going to be upset about it."

I said, "No, its not our job to adjust him to anything but school. He's 3 and while he might be attuned to the tension in the house hold he has no idea whats going on around him. The boy cant speak let alone comprehend DIVORCE. If they want help with that they need to go to counceling. I will say again I'm NOT GETTING INVOLVED WITH THEIR PRIVATE LIVES. It's none of my business unless they bring it to my classroom. If he's upset when he comes to class I will sooth him as best I can like I do all the kids but what happens at home stays at home unless he comes in covered in bruises then I report it to DHS. Thats it thats all. Its not MY JOB to pry into their lives. And I didnt get an email about divorce. All my email said was that their marriage was STRAINED and that to me does not mean divorce. I'm going to go look to make sure the boss didnt send something else saying we needed to help with their private lives."

Both my fellow teacher and her aide looked at me like I was a heartless beast. Honestly I don't care. Its not my job as a headstart teacher to get involved with my kids parents private lives, and frankly my dear I don't give a damn.

So to satisfy myself I went to my school email and found not one word about divorce or anything. So I asked my fellow teacher to show me the email they got and guess what IT WAS THE SAME EMAIL. The one above that I said stated "Emerald you have a new student MANDO. Your gonna have to help them out with TRANSPORTATION to and from school as his parents marriage is STRAINED."

So I said "I got that email and in no where in it does it say divorce or to help him and his family in anything other than transportation to and from school, ya'll are crazy."

I go back to my center where my aide has gotten back from her break and asked what was going on. I told her what happened and then said "I think they're just reading to much into that email because they got WAY more out of it than I did and we already got them transportation. He rides the bus."

Well anyway on the way home since me and my fellow teacher car pool she said to me "You know I thought it was VERY RUDE of you to tell your aide that we were reading to much into that email."

"Why? Its true? All that email said was work out transportation because the marriage is strained. You and your aide said that ya'll had an email about a bad divorce and we were going to have to councel this child or some such bull and thats not what it said. So in other words you read to much into and innocent email about transportation." I said back.

"Well," she said, "i dont think we did because you know we might be the only peace that kid gets away from home and i think we should help him in anyway we can. I mean its our jobs as teachers to make sure that they are well adjusted and ..........blah blah blah"

I looked at her like she had 3heads and one of them was drooling. REALLY! I told her that NO my dear it is not a teacher's job to make sure the kids are well adjusted to anything but SCHOOL. I told her that it is the PARENTS job to make sure that their children are well adjusted humanbeings and grow up well. I am not and I will not PARENT my students but I will teach them to the best of my ability and I will protect them to the best of my ability.

I mean REALLY! This is the reason people are starting to believe that schools and daycare's raise your kids instead of the parents!!! I love my students but they are just that students. I dont give them much thought when i come home unless it was a trying day or when i'm doing lesson plans. It is NOT my job to adjust your kids to life. Hell I teach 3yearolds, so yeah i give you that most of what i do is more parenting then teaching in that i wipe butts, change diapers, give kisses and hugs, and dole out timeouts, BUT and there is a BIG BUT I'm not my kids parents and their lives outside of my classroom is not mine.

Me and my fellow teacher agreed to disagree and remain friends.

After that debicle the rest of the week passed mostly uneventfully after my panic/anxiety attack on the playground.

I still am not sure what the anxiety attack was for or about. One minute I was instructing the kids on the gross moter assesments and yelling for some of them to stop pushing when all of a sudden my skin got clammy, my heart rate sped up, and I couldnt catch my breath. My aide took over while I sat down and put my head between my legs and held back tears. It took 10minutes for me to calm down and slow my heart rate back to normal and to stop shaking, and even then I felt fragile and on the verge of tears for the rest of the day.

I aplogized to my aide and explained to her what happened though i didnt and still dont know why I had the anxiety attack. She's never seen anyone have a panic/anxiety attack before so she didnt know what was going on.

Afew nights later I got fever. I wasnt sick in the traditional sense of the word. I didnt have a cough, snuffly nose, headache or any other symptom than a fever of 101.8. I took it 5 times just to be sure it wasnt a faulty thermometer. So i took some tylonal and went to bed early. I still felt fine the next day and though my fever had went back to normal I was clammy and cold for the whole day. It came back partially, 99.9, that night but it was gone by the next day and i still felt fine. I do wonder if there was any connection between the fever and my anxiety attack. Silly I know but I wonder none the less.

Sprite's diarhea is back 2times a week or it has been this week and the one before last. I will be calling her GI doc on monday to let them know that she's started that again. I'm pushing liquids thinking maybe she needs more water or something. I dont know. We have a docs appointment at the end of October so we'll see what he says then i guess.

Sprite's cousin has contacted me via facebook to let me know that her older brother is missing his sister and "I" need to do something to let him see her because I'm not thinking about sprite and her siblings. HA! I say, HA!

I do nothing but think about and worry over Sprite and her siblings. My number hasn't changed since the last time I give it to her cousin, grandmother, aunt, and great grandmother. I have done nothing but bend over assbackwards to make sure she has some kind of contact with her siblings. I am the one who goes to the city 2hours and more away so that she can play with a brother who doesnt remember he even has a sister or that he lived with that sister for a year before he was taken away.

I am the one who instigates playdates with an older brother that SHE barely remembers. I am the one that has pictures of both her brothers on my walls so that she can at least see their faces on a daily basis. I do all of this and more for her because I dont want her to grow up and completely forget that she has siblings. And yet all i get is criticism and ill favor from a family that could care less about her 11mos out of the year.

She has a birthday coming up and every year i send an invitation to her older brother and every year they never respond nor do they show, but i still make sure to get him a party favor just in case. I will do the same and we'll see who shows to her party.

Speaking of party I still have no clue what I'm going to do for her party....... oh well i've got 3mos to work something out. Ideas would be helpful though if you have any.

Off topic agian and back to school. We had a parent meeting this past week and the parents and my fellow teacher are gung ho about fieldtrips. My fellow teacher is so enthusiastic that she rubbed her enthusiasm all over the parents and now they want field trips as well, BUT what she failed to mention to the parents was that she was looking for a new job and so all of the field trips that she wants and is willing to plan and be ga ga over will fall to ME because the bs of the job has gotten to her and she wants out. Yay me!

NOT!

I don't want to do field trips every month with 30 up my butt kids!! I told her that if she quits the field trips will be little to non-existant because i can see one in the fall to the pumkin patch in the spring to somewhere and at the end of the year to Arbuckle Wilderness. Thats it!!

We had a field trip to the park this friday in the rain! it was lovely trying to keep the kids clean, dry and cooperative. I hated it! The bathrooms were NASTY it had ONE nasty toilet and a bucket for trash that was half full of rancid water!

I sent the boys to pee behind the building! My fellow teacher of course said it was fine! MY ASS! You couldnt pay me 1000 dollars to walk into that bathroom let alone sit on the toilet! Gross nasty humans!

The playground wasn't much better as it was grafitti covered and was a sore disappointment. The kids had fun, the parents had fun but all i could think was "is it time to go now?"

I can't wait to see how the pumpkin patch goes........oh joy.

ENOUGH talking about school!!!

I want to be pregnant and every once in a while i get sad and depressed over it because i dont have a partner/husband/ or boyfriend. So its not possible for me to get pregnant right now and wont be till i can save up for sperm from the spermbank.

Anyway My cousin just had a baby boy this week and i was ecstatic for her, until i got to looking at her pregnancy photo's as well as listening to everyone goo and gaa at her and the new baby. My happiness turned to sadness and though i'm not depressed *cough yet cough* a little sad i was that i wansn't pregnant or even soon to be pregnant as before i can get sperm i have to go to the doctors and all that goodness so at best i may be trying to get pregnant come next summer/fall, maybe.

The thought of that perks me up till i realize that it is a long time till next summer/fall, but perk me up it does because then i put together a budget for the nursery (boy or girl i got it budgeted) baby shower and all the goodstuff, LOL i'm a nut. Nut I am but i'm prepared. Some would say too prepared but as long as it lifts my mood i'm good.

Here's a story for you, dont cry now, its a little moody.

A Good Man
I love my husband he is a good man, and a good father to my two girls Alessa and Janessa. I love my husband he is a good man, and yet they wonder why I…me…Reyna Isabella Pierce won’t leave her husband. I was captain of the cheerleading squad, voted most likely to succeed, and valedictorian. I love my husband he is a good man and a good father to my girls. Yet while he is all of these things you wonder why I stay, why I let my girls stay. I’m no fool. I see you for what you are, all of you. You who tell me to leave him yet you look at him with covetous glances while whispering to me about safe houses and women’s homes and hotlines. I’m not giving him up just so you can have him. He is My husband and I love him. I love him enough for all of us.
You ask me about after high school wanting to know my dreams of when I was a girl. I see through you. You’re just trying to befriend me so that you can arrest my husband for something that was my entire fault. Well, I’ll tell you about me and my dreams and then maybe you’ll see that he is the man I say he is and not the monster you think. But first let me say that he is a good man, a good father and I love him.
I started college wanting to own my own flower shop. So started off in school with a major in botany…flower science my mother called it… and a minor in business. God, I miss her. Before you ask I’ll tell you, no I haven’t seen my mother since after the girls were born. She just gradually faded away like my sister and friends. No, I don’t and won’t call her, what for? So she can tell me I’ve made a mistake? Well, she told me that before my wedding day. She said that it wasn’t right that Jake was making me marry him because I was pregnant. She didn’t understand that he loved me to much to continue ‘living in sin’ he called it. She didn’t understand his love for me or mine for him. Well, I proved her wrong didn’t I, because he loves me and he is a good man and a good father. What? Why did I quit school? Because I got pregnant my sophomore year with Alessa and Janessa and Jake said that it wouldn’t be good for them with all the stress I was under with my studies. You see he had just passed the BAR exam and had gotten a job at a very good law firm as a defense attorney. So since he wanted to move up in the company everything needed to be just so. What, my face? No, it’s alright, the bleedings stopped and I can barely feel the knot. No, I’m fine, just let me finish so I can go home to my girls their missing me by now. Where was I, oh yeah. So I quit school and became a home maker nothing wrong with that is there?
When did he start beating me? Never, how could you say such a thing. He is a good man, how many times do I have to tell you that? You people and your questions, I don’t know why the doctor called you surely you have better things to do then harass me and my family. I hear the nurses talk. They wonder why I don’t leave him. They ask me why over and over yet when I tell them they look at me as if I’ve lost my mind or something. They just don’t understand and neither will you. Its not as if it’s his fault at all its not its mine. You see I was supposed to clean the house for when he came home with a client, but with the girls running around and the phone ringing off the hook I got distracted with one thing and another and when he came home the house wasn’t’ clean to his satisfaction. After the client left he got angry. What’s wrong with that? Everyone gets angry. Everyone loses control once in a while, and besides it was just a punishment. I deserved it. I could have done much better, I know it. He hardly ever punishes hard enough for me to go to hospitals, honestly, and he would never hurt my girls he loves them and me. Really he is a good man. It was just a punishment no one goes to jail over a punishment. That’s all it was really he just doesn’t know his own strength. He is a good man and all I want is to be a good wife to him. He loves me I know it, he just shows it differently.
One day everyone will see what I see, that he is a good, kind, gentle and loving man to me and my girls. Last night was just a fluke it wont happen again, you’ll see. It won’t, and tomorrow he’ll bring me roses yellow ones, because he knows they’re my favorite and when I’m better we’ll go out like we used to before we got married and he’ll be the man I fell in love with again. He’ll be the man I married. That is the reason I stay. That is the reason I go through the bad times, just for those little moments, days, weeks of good. Every marriage goes through bad times; no one is with out them. No one, especially me. So disregard the bruised ribs, the concussion, and my broken wrist because it’s nothing. I love my husband. He is a good man and a good father, and an exceptional lawyer. Who are you to tell me otherwise? Now if you don’t mind I have to be getting home. My girls are with a sitter and when Jake gets home he won’t be happy about the expense. He is a good man officer, and no I won’t press charges

They age its true! :`(

They Age oh why do they age!!!! My Goddaugther Anne whom I have helped to raise since she was born turned 7 this Saturday and I am utterly heartbroken. Why do you ask? Because my baby is all grown up!!!! I swear that I tear up on all my babies birthday's and let me tell you that is a lot of birthdays for I have helped to raise 10 (count them with me)10 Children. Every since my sister had her first kid when I was twelve I've helped to care for them in one way or another. Not to mention I am the oldest grandchild on my father's side of the family. When ever anyone needed a babysitter it was Emerald to the rescue. So to count them, my cousin Shorty and my Niece Simi were born a month and 23days apart I was 12when they were born. Oh the many days I spent cuddling, cooing and potty training them. They were my first pair to potty train. I was so grossed out! As any normal 14year old would be as they were 2 at the time. It was my first time to discipline, break up fights, kiss away tears and realize that anger at a 2year old is pointless because they forget faster than you do so holding a grudge is pointless. These two loves of mine will be 15next spring! Oh how my heart pines for their little faces and their sweetness.

Next were my two cousins who are from different parents and a year apart. Hoshie and Dion. Dion was bossy and Hoshie was a sweetie pie who didn't like to be bossed. Oh how I remember when they were 3 and 2 and Dion came to tell me that Hoshie had hit her with a hanger. Well so I call him back to my room to ask him if it was true and would you know it that boy brought the hanger with him to show me that YES he did hit her but she told him that he couldn't go into the fridge and she wasn't the boss of him. I laughed inside.....then I gave them both swats and sent them to the corner. I went to the living room to find my Granny (who was supposed to be on toddler duty) what happened and she said "Well, I saw him hit her with that hanger but I just figured she'd hit him back!" Astonished!!! was all I could think mostly because "Why did they tell me when she was right there?"

So to torture them a bit I put on their favorite cartoon while they were in the corner just to watch them twitch, LOL! I'm mean and evil yes I know but out of it I got a cuddle from my Hoshieman (who had almost outgrown them by 3 and completely outgrew them by 5 *le sigh*) and a saucy "I'm tellin my momma" from Dion as she flounced out of the room when her time was up. OH, the times I had!! Those two are now 13 and 12.

My next child was in the midst of the above two, was my nephew I'll call him JADTH. I got to hold and cuddle him when he was born. Then got to help potty train him when he was 18mos then again got to see him grow to 4years old till he moved from my aunts house to my uncles house following some familial transgressions. He was so sweet and boy did he like the girls a bigger flirt I never did see. He will be 9 this December and boy how he's grown. *tears*

After my Nephew came my Niece when he was 4 she was born I'll call her Ryanne she was so my little baby sweetie pie and another flirt. THANK YOU SISTER! I got to help with her till she was almost a year then she too moved to my Uncles house. I hear they are doing well and I see pictures of them from time to time, but she's still just a baby in my mind. All my pictures of her in my house are from when she was 6mos to a year old. So smart, so good and she lived in the dorms with me and went to college with me for a few months before she moved away. I see her as much as I see my Nephew and while I miss them heartily I know where they are and I know their taken care of and that's enough. *sniff* She'll be 8 this February.

Anne was my next child and to this day I had never encountered a high needs baby more than my Anne. She cried oh boy did she cry! But still to this day when I look at her sleeping do I see the baby that was born 7years ago and does my heart melt. OH my babies all grown up and none of them know how much I adore them. (I cry as I type that because for a while they were MINE and boy do I love them.)

Kory was my next child my Sprite's older brother he's just turned 6 in August and I had him from the time he was six months off and on till he was almost 2 and once a year after till he turned 4. Such a good boy but what a bad reputation thanks to his Grandmother. She let him run amok and even still when she has him Amok does he run. They should have named him Chaos, lol. But with me he was such a good boy, and a sweet one to though rough with his sister when she was a baby but that was more exuberance than bad boy behavior. I miss him too! His baby face and chubby hands and feet. Oh he had the biggest feet and hands as a baby just as fat as they wanted to be. I never could get shoes on him not even when he started to walk.

Sprite was my 9Th child and her I still have and her I will keep. She is the very center of me I think. She is in everything I do, and she is in every thought I have. I've had her almost since birth and she's never been anywhere else. She will be 4 in December as well.

My 10Th child was Sprite's little brother, I'll call him QT, I got him when he was a year old and I lost him when he turned 2. I had him exactly a year this year in fact. April 10Th was his last day with me and his sister. His "father" and his "grandmother" (since they won't consent to a DNA test default dad still doesn't count with me but according to child support court it does with them. Hence the reason their in quotations) threatened me with legal action(read:kidnapping) and sending Sprite to foster care in order to get him away from me and into their home. I've since visited but he doesn't remember me or his sister and the last time I called he wouldn't even come to the phone. My heart broke for the little boy who used to cry if I went to the bathroom without him and it still breaks today when I go into the room that I decorated for him and his sister and see all of his clothes, toys and whatnot in the room that they never wanted or took. I don't cry anymore though sometimes I feel so sad it almost feels like I'm overtaken with grief. Other times its a softer kind of grief an ache almost though it throbs. He will be 3 in February 7days before my Niece Ryanne. How I will get through that only time will tell.

I have another Goddaughter that was born this year in May but unlike the others I don't think I'll be needed to HELP as much as I did the last time. So her I an enjoy and fulfill my god motherly duties wand in hand while her mother and father do the rest. For that I'm Grateful because the next child I raise from birth to school age will be from my own body and mine alone.


Anyway on the birthday front my Anne turned 7 this weekend and she made out like a bandit! I myself spent 70 dollars on her.... well more but lets round it off there. Unfortunately she is a Bieber (ick!!) fan and I just love to watch her get into a huff when I "confuse" *cough on purpose cough* with a girl!!!

Truthfully he does sound like a girl and he looks like one to so sometimes the confusion is genuine. What ever happened to boy singers that sound like boys/men? Have men become so in touch with their feminine side that they don't even change voice when they go through puberty anymore? *sheesh*

I got Sprite's wings in the mail today for All Hallows Eve, yay, and they are GORGEOUS!!! Her pettiskirts come in the mail in the next week or so and I got her some books off line that I thought were cute too they should also be in soon.

Have I mentioned I love to shop! Getting things in the mail is sooooooo lovely and it makes me feel special. Even if its not for me!

I finished the 3rd book in the Nicholas Flamel series and need to remember to let my bosses kid borrow it and I am now waiting for the 4Th and 5Th books to come out so I can be consumed between their pages. Such a good read that is!

Sprite has been her usual sprightly self and developing quite the attitude as well. What I am going to do with that child I don't know! But finding out should be fun!

On another note one of my fellow teacher's parents brought a SNAKE into class! *shudders* (nasty creatures) True it was in a jar but it gave me the willies all day! I kept expecting it to crawl up my leg, and it was only there for an hour, but still!!! EWWWWWWWWWW *gag*

Okay now I have to stop thinking about snakes or I'm going to have some bad dreams tonight! Lets see....................hmmmm................OH I know I dreamed about the Audubon book a few days ago and it was a good dream though weird. I dreamed I fell into the book and it wasn't just about birds but cathedrals too. Weird i say but I figured the cathedral's came from Pillars of the Earth that I just finished watching last week so maybe not weird at all.

Lately my dreams have not been vivid enough to remember as I usually slip into bed exhausted to the point of coma and not remembering any of the night. Which if you knew me is wildly unusual as I usually remember most of my dreams bazaar though they be.

I would also like to take the time to tell Holly thank you for the comment!!!!! I love comments so feel free EVERYONE to leave a comment when you read as it lets me know you actually read it!

Speaking of Bazaar here is another piece of mine I think you'll like. Inspiration for this came in the Alicia Keys song Unthinkable the day before she released the video for it talk about dual inspiration!!!!

Unthinkable

He looks at her and asks her persuasively,
"If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy?"
She looks at him eyes wide open and says to him with a sigh,
"I cant say i came prepared, though with this now before us i feel suspended in the air, and i dont know how to respond except to say ' If you ask me I'm ready'."
2days before

Celeste looked at her mother and wondered if the world stopped spinning would she even notice. Sometimes it seemed that her mother took her brother Kaide’s death to the marrow of her bones. Other times she could reminisce about her boy child who caused more problems than not. This unfortunately was one of the times Celeste thought her mother would never recover. This was one of the times that she wished she could shake her mother and tell her

“I’m here mother! Kaide has been gone for 2 years, I know it hurts but you still have me!”

She knew it wouldn’t work her mother was as stubborn in her grief as Celeste herself was at everything else. She shook her head sorrowfully and addressed her mother;

“Mama? I’m leaving Mama, okay? You take care of yourself while I’m gone.”
When she received no response she said;

“Mama, don’t do this, you know me and Jesse had a trip coming up like we do every year this time for our anniversary. Mama...Okay I’m leaving and I’ll have Mrs. Jenkins stop by and check on you while I’m gone, be good Mama. I love you.”

Celeste walked out of her mother’s house with a mix of feelings from sad for her mother, angry at her mother, to anxious about her trip with Jesse and finally guilt over thinking about a holiday away from her mother and her grief.

Driving across town to her condo that she shared with Jesse she thought about marriage and resolved to herself that when and if he asked her to marry him she was more than ready.

In her apartment she turned on some Alicia Keys and started to pack. She didn’t know why Jesse chose Colorado for their trip this year as they usually go somewhere tropical and sunny. Especially since it was November and cold as hell, she didn’t see the need to go somewhere else cold for a vacation. But, she thought, she doubted they’d even see the snow or the slopes, as she’d packed enough lingerie to keep him guessing for more than the 7days they’d be gone.

Laughing at that thought she dropped a white teddy into her suitcase as she heard the buzzer for her apartment from the lobby. Going over to the buzzer she said,

“Yes? Who is it?”
“It’s me knucklehead, let me up?” said the voice.
“Oh my goodness Tae is that you, boy?”
“Of course it’s me! You didn’t forget me while I was away did you?” Tae said as she buzzed him to come up to her apartment.

She stood in the doorway to her apartment as he came up the stairs. She rushed him and hugged him hard missing him as he’d left a month before running off with his sky diving instructor. She hadn’t heard from or seen him in that amount of time and she’d missed the man that was more brother than friend.

She followed him into her apartment after her enthusiastic greeting and said;

“So how’s your woman? And what has been going on?”
“Valerie is fine she and I have decided to get married next month…”
“Ah, so you want me to be your wedding planner? What does your Mama say about this?”
“If you’d let me finish a sentence you’d know these things. Yes, Valerie wants you to help with the wedding but I wanted to ask if you’d be my best man when I say ‘I do’. So will you?”
“Oh, Tae!!! Of course I’ll be your best woMan. How could I be anything else? Just as long as you remember that when its my turn you are going to be my Man of honor!!! Oh my god Tae your getting MARRIED!!!!” she squealed and hugged him again.

Tae thought he’d die of loss of oxygen this time when she hugged him so hard. She was jumping and hugging him when Jesse walked through the door.

“Jesse, you won’t believe it!!!! Tae is getting married and I’m going to be the best man!!!!” Celeste screamed in his ear as she transferred her abundance of affection from Tae to Jesse.

Putting his finger in the ear that she’d deafened he stuck his hand out in congratulations toward Tae. As Celeste grabbed Tae’s phone and called Valerie to start on the wedding plans Jesse and Tae slipped out the door to go and celebrate in the manner of men, with a beer.


1day before

Celeste looked over at Jesse as he slept. He was so beautiful to her silvery gray eyes closed in sleep, bone straight black hair falling into his face. He’d kept it long because she liked it though he wouldn’t let it get longer than his chin. She’d been with Jesse for 5years and loved how even after all these years she loved everything about him. She loved how they contrasted but balanced each other out.

Looking at her hand on his chest she noticed how she loved that even their skin tones contrasted each other, her dark to his light. Both of their hair was black and dense but where hers curled riotously his was bone straight. His eyes while silver gray would look at her black eyes and smile, well when he was awake that is.

Her stomach growled and she slipped, naked, from the bed and headed to the kitchen. Sex always made her hungry but sex with Jesse made her ravenous. Knowing that he’d be heading to the kitchen when he figured out she wasn’t with him she made him a sandwich as well. Before she could finish making her own sandwich she heard him bump into the walls on the way to the kitchen. Smiling because she loved how clumsy her big strong man was she finished what she was doing and waited for him to bumble into the kitchen.

“Ow, baby? Hey why are there so many walls in this cabin? I swear there weren’t that many before we went to bed,” he said as she handed him his sandwich.

“There aren’t that many walls in this cabin as its all open you just seem to bounce off of each one as you came from the bedroom, then the bathroom, you and your clumsy self,” she said as she walked past him into the living area. He smacked her on her bare bottom as she walked by and she glared at him in sultry retribution.

They went to the couch and settled, him close to her with her legs in his lap as they ate in companionable silence she halfway through her sandwich and he finishing his in all of 6 bites she shook her head and took another bite.

“Celeste, you know I love you, right?” Jesse said.

“Uh, oh, what’s wrong? Is your dad giving you a hard time again?” Celeste said as she knew he and his dad’s relationship had strained since their relationship started 5years ago.

“No, it’s not my dad. In fact he told me before we left that he knew I loved you and if I was going to marry you he was okay with it. So we’re good. No its just I feel that we should get married, but I want it to wait a while? Is that okay?” he said.

Feeling torn between saying NO she wont wait and feeling as if she should give in as long as the end result is them being together she said,

“Why do you want to wait? What’s stopping you?”
“I want to make sure that both our families are on board with us being married and having kids together. Now that my dad’s come around and your mom and my mom have become friends of a sort I want to make sure everything is how its supposed to be before we do this. I want everyone’s approval before we go the next step,” he said at length.

“What other’s approval do you need? Both of our families have given approval no one else is needed. Who else’s is standing in our way?” she said heatedly because she could see all her dreams of them crumbling around her.

“Your father’s approval is what we need,” he said knowing that this was going to send her over the edge.

“MY FATHER!!! HE has nothing to do with me, with us, and he’s never had anything to do with my life. Not since I was ten years old when he walked out on my mom, me and my brother. He didn’t even have the compassion, courage or WHATEVER needed to show to Kaide, his son’s, funeral 2years ago. Why, why, would he give his approval for us to get married or show up to the wedding to give me away? Why would you even think that he’d want to?” she said truly angry now.

“Baby, I know how he hurt you and your mom and brother and I know how much it hurt when Kaide died and your father didn’t show or even send word. I know all that, but call me traditional I want to ask him to marry you. Your mom’s given her approval, your brother gave me his approval before he died, saying that I was good for you. I need to do this even if it blows up in my face, because that’s how much you mean to me. Will you let me do this?” he asked.

Celeste didn’t say anything but sat there in a huff with her face turned away.

“I love you, and I want to do right by you and this to me feels right,” he explained further as she continued to huff and stare at the couch rather than at him.

“You’ll never find him,” she said not looking at him.

Jesse was looking at her and trying not to stare at her luscious curves sitting there next to him. She noticed him staring and crossed her arms to cover herself, and nearly stopped breathing because it pushed her breasts up. He tore his gaze from her breasts to look at the face that got more beautiful even when she was mad at him.

“I already have. He lives here in this little town at the top of a mountain. Why do you think I wanted to come here this year?” he said as she glared at him.

Celeste couldn’t believe that he’d risk their relationship on a man that didn’t bother to take care of his family. It was romantic she grudgingly admitted but she’d rather he just forgot about her father and moved on. She turned her head away from him and thought about his revelation.

She glanced at him as he started to stroke her leg and leaned down to kiss the top of her foot. When he looked up she turned her head sharply and ignored the fire starting in her belly.

Jesse saw that she was digging in her heals about her dad so he decided that his notion would need some persuasion. God he loved her more than he loved breathing with her dark skin and her curly hair made frizzy by his hands earlier that night. Getting up he grabbed her plate with its forgotten half of sandwich and tugged her off the couch, and while she muttered to herself about romantic idiotic sentiments he led her to the bedroom.

It wasn’t long before he had her laughing her sultry sexy laugh and saying his name on a sigh.


Present day

Celeste waited in the coffee shop as Jesse went to the house where her father lived to ask his permission to marry her. Celeste didn’t think she would ever be as wound up as she was right now. She didn’t know what her father would say, didn’t want to know if it wasn’t good or not. Nothing good could come of this she knew and she fretted.

2hours later Jesse showed up looking forlorn and sad. He picked her up at the coffee shop and took her back to the cabin. It was cold outside but Celeste didn’t feel a thing. When they stepped into the cabin and took off their outerwear Jesse took her to the couch and sat her down.

“Jesse just tell me now! I’m tired of waiting,” Celeste blurted.

“He said No, babe. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. You were right last night and I should have listened. H told me that he didn’t want anything to do with you or your mother and that when he left he never wanted to even think about you or your mother and brother. He also said that he would never give permission for his daughter to marry a high and mighty white man that the thought was unthinkable to him. Then he slammed the door in my face. God what a bastard he was. I stood there like an idiot not knowing if I wanted to kill him or just walk away, but I did. I walked away and it took me an hour in a half to come and get you mostly because I didn’t know what to say, or how to say it,” Jesse said looking at the silent tears stream down her face.

Celeste didn’t realize she was crying till he reached out and wiped the tears from her face. When she saw his hand pull away wet she sobbed, because her world was gone. Jesse would never marry her now. At that moment lightening could strike her father and she would laugh. Oh, her heart was breaking as Jesse took her in his arms and held her as she sobbed for their future.

When she stopped the light in the cabin had dimmed to twilight. Jesse kissed her brow and smoothed the curls on her head and when she looked at him. His face was still masked but resolute.

He looks at her and asks her persuasively,
"If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy, or would it be so beautiful?"
She looks at him eyes wide open and says to him with a sigh,
"I can’t say I came prepared, though with this now before us I feel suspended in the air, and I don’t know how to respond except to say ' If you ask me I'm ready'."
Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a green velvet covered box opened it and said,

“I’m asking.”

Babies are a wonder....

You know it?! I love babies and my two in life best friends have had a baby girl a piece this summer. I love babies. Especially of the girl type because I love Dresses and while I love little boys most people frown when you put a dress on a boy.....whether he wanted to wear it or not O_O.

I am going to use Anonymous names on here because while I'm okay with people googling me I'm not okay with people googling my kid or my goddaughters, sorry. So my friend Lucky and her two daughters (my god daughters) Anne and Leigh and her husband Sasquatch (lol) invited me over to their house this weekend to babysit Anne and Leigh. Of course I said yes even though I was dead dog tired and sore from teaching, dancing and commanding 13 3year olds, because I don't get to see them as often as I'd like and because I missed them like crazy. Unfortunately for me Leigh is Teething and was a little grumpy when I showed up.

I love babies but I forget how loud they get when they're uncomfortable or hurting or tired, and I forget how they go from Happy to SHRIEKING in seconds. So I pulled out my 16years of baby calming knowledge .(Yep been babysitting since I was 12 and helped raise up 10 children from babies to toddlers. My knowledge is so vast I amaze my self sometimes)

Leigh has a Ring sling(rs) that I got her mother when she was pregnant. So far I think I'm the only one that uses it, but i love it anyway. So I got it out and carried her around with me while I packed in my laundry from the car. That calmed her down she loves to look outward from the sling. When we got back in the house and I started laundry (with her still in the sling) she started to shriek at me again so I of course did what normal sane persons do when a baby starts to shriek. I said "What's the matter bay bay" like she's really gonna answer me, lol. Of course she didn't and took my question as an affront and continued her shrieking.

So I stopped laundry and I carried her back to the bedroom and got her bottle, she was hungry surely since she hadn't been eating much. She ate 2oz and then proceeded to give me the universal "I'm sleepy" eye rub and I proceeded to try to put her to sleep. Well let me tell you that this baby must be a genius because as soon as she figured out what I was doing did she let out an ear pearcing, high pitched, bring down the house SHRIEK like I'd never heard before. Man can she make the ears ring.

So I got out the full arsenal, of paci's, blankets, rocking chair, swing and bouncy seat to compete with her shriek. Nothing worked but bouncing, can anyone say "Oh my aching back". Luckily her Lucky and Sassy (short for Sasquatch) have a very bouncy bed. It was almost as good as a birthing ball. I placed her on my chest, put her paci in her mouth put one hand behind her head and the other hand on her bottom and i bounced and patted her little but till she snored. Blissful silence, ahhhhh.

Till of course i go to lay her in her crib, but lucky for me her mother has her trained pretty well. I got her comfortable, put her paci back in her mouth and patted her belly till she dozed back off and I went back to my laundry.

Bad news for me is she only slept 15mins. Just enough time for me to load the washer, lol.

She wasn't shrieking though just talking in her crib so I let her talk to herself and went to check on Anne and my own little Sprite (I think I'll call my kid sprite) to see what they were doing and found them both on the computer listening to JUSTIN BIEBER, EWWWWWWWWWWWWW YUCK!

I know, I know.........but they're only 7 and 3. (Well Anne will be 7 this Saturday) Now is not the time for boy bands. LOL. And I am soooo not the one to talk. She who still has her Backstreet Boy CD's and still listens to them when she can get a weekend alone, lol. YES i did too love the Backstreet Boys! Still do sometimes. But that's beside the point! Justin Bieber sounds like a girl, looks like one to if truth be told. AT least the BSB and Nsync had male features and sounded male. I cant wait for his voice to change GAH!!!!!

After assuring myself that my two big girls didn't need me for anything I went back to Her Imperial Highness who had started to demand my presence. Did I mention I love babies.

So that was essentially my Saturday. Oddly enough I loved it, call me crazy but I seem to thrive on the chaos that a baby brings to a house. It's one of my favorite levels of chaos. Yep chaos does have levels and you only have to be around kids as much as I am to know most of them.

There was also a sale at one of my favorite stores this weekend. THE WOODEN NICKEL is where i buy my Teapots like this one!!

Love it!

Anyway so the Wooden Nickel was having a 75% off sale! HOW COULD I PASS THAT UP? well I don't I tell you. So I go and buy some baby stuff for Leigh and my other friend's daughter. Then I buy a plaque to put on my wall that says "A mother's love is like a circle. It has no beginning and no ending. It goes around and around ever expanding, touching everyone who comes in contact with it."

Love it.

Then I bought my Sprite a cute overnight bag like these.

Got one for Anne too.

For Anne since her birthday is close I'm going to fill it with stuff she wants for her birthday and then give it to her to unwrap and ohh and ahh over. For Sprite she can use it whenever she goes to Anne's or something.

Ah the retail therapy that I had this weekend. I'm all agog with pleasure. But that will be the last shopping spree that I go on till after Christmas. I have too much saving to do.

First I have to save for Guardianship of Sprite. For those of you who don't know my life Sprite isn't my biological child she's actually my cousins child that i have been raising permanently since she was 18mos old but off and on since birth and I'm just now eligible to get guardianship. So that comes before all else.

Second I have to save for my cloak before it gets too cold. I'm tired of looking for jackets/coats that don't fit well so I have opted to go with my weirdness and buy a warm cloak. And I'm saving for it since it's 160bucks plus shipping. (do you know how many books I could get with that?)

Third I have to save for Sprite's birthday (December 2ND) it's the big 4. Last year we had a Christmas tea party theme (for which i got a new teapot,:P) this year I don't know what to do. So if you have any suggestions feel free to leave them.

Fourth I'm saving to get pregnant next summer and sperm costs a lot of money. Since I'm single and not looking to give up my ladylike ways and turn into the city pump I'm opting to go with a sperm bank instead of bar hopping and getting a disease.

Lastly of course I'm saving for a new car, but as long as my old car keeps running i wont be ardently saving for a new car till after this summer.

So NO more sporadic spending for me!! All of my money is spoken for.

Tomorrow is labor day and I'm so glad i don't have work tomorrow. Lounging with my sprite and reading and playing with her sounds so nice. Of course since Sprite is awe fully spunky she'll probably tell me that she doesn't want to play with me (like she to often does) in which case i will stick my tongue out at her and turn the music on because if you don't want to play then we can DANCE!! (badly of course but that's the fun of it!)


Here's another story to tempt you to comment!

Sad isn’t she? God, look at that face. So sad so poignant it breaks the heart doesn’t it?
If only I could feel this way. I can’t you know. I have never once cried in my memory. Though I can only remember from when I was 10 years of age on. I have no recollection of the time before I was ten years old. I am now 30. Who knows if I have cried before that age, hell I might have just cried myself out by then.
Sometimes I feel sad, but it’s not something I can understand. Oh I get along okay with others I have social skills I even have compassion and empathy but when it comes to my own emotions about myself or something sad in my own life the correct emotion eludes me. I laugh instead of crying at family funerals. When stressed outwardly I am really calm while inside I am a total wreck, emotionally, a total wreck. I can’t cry and for the life of me I can’t figure out how.
I would love the release of tears. I think it would make me feel so much better. I will watch a sad movie but it fails to move me. I worry about this because my first child is due and I have yet to feel any sort of emotional connection to this being inside me. I feel it moving but instead of feeling the wonder of the kicks and thumps it is more of an inconvenience and more than a little painful.
I don’t know how I am going to act when it gets here. I haven’t found out the sex of it yet because I think, hopefully, when the doctor yells out whether it’s a boy or girl will draw me toward it inexorably and then I will feel.
Maybe even feel what my mother felt for me when I was born? I don’t know, but at least feel something. I have been hollow for 30years and I think that is enough.
I think what happened to me when I was a child had something to do with my feelings being locked away, though I have had extensive therapy sessions and even tried hypno-therapy and have yet to open my mind to before I was 10. I know my past is out there somewhere I just wish I knew where.
You see I was found in a homeless shelter when I was ten years old by a one of the social services people that volunteer at such places. They took me into custody because my mother and father never showed themselves and I didn’t talk for 2years after they found me. I don’t know what happened to me but I wish I knew for my child’s sake. For without a past how can I give my child a future?
I have looked for my parents in every face, every gesture, and every voice that I have ever come across and no one yet has come forward to claim me.
I love my foster parents but there is a hole in me that just will not fill, and I think because of that is why I have yet to cry in all these years. My foster parents gave me everything that I claim to date even my name, Evangeline. They’re very religious and though that since I couldn’t remember my own name I needed a new start. Like Eve I needed to come first. I was the only child they ever adopted and they never fostered after me. So in a sense I was their first and only daughter. I just wish I knew who I really was. Sometimes I still even find it hard to talk openly with certain people, and at times I just get so sad that I can barely move.
Now is one of those times, as I lay here in my bed waiting on this baby to be born I am sad.
I can’t explain it, it is what it is, and though I feel this deep sadness there is nothing that can alleviate it. There is no outlet.
This picture reminds me of something that I can’t name. Something about it strikes me so deep that I felt the need to blow it up and put in on a wall in my house. It’s a picture that I both love and hate. It’s the only picture I have ever found that makes me want to cry.

And so it starts.........

The very first thing you all should know about me is that I write in GREEN! Emerald green that its...............:D Go on laugh....Laugh in this my very first pun-tascular post for this, my very first blog.





Well it is the end of my day but I want to start this post talking about what happened yesterday.

(Let me set the stage) I'm at my center putting my kids on the school bus (for those that don't know I teach Headstart in a neighboring town) and my kid (she's 3) gets off the bus and she has a paper in a ziplock back with a note attatched. Well we forgot her backpack in my car at my friend's house (we carpool and it was her week to drive) so my child's teacher put her homework and her note for Friday in a ziplock bag and sent her on the bus. The note says "Please dress your child in Black and Gold for Spirit Day! Every Friday is our spirit day!" or something to that effect.

My first thought was "Really spirit day?! She's 3 and Headstart isn't affiliated with the public school, AND it's Thursday where am I gonna get black and gold crap for friday?" My second thought was "Did I put all the kids on the bus?" And so I went back to my class to count heads and make sure everyone was were they needed to be.

Well after the kids were gone me and my fellow teacher and teacher's aides were talking about this spirit day that they were having and me and 2 other people in my center don't belong to the town we work in so THEY thought it would be funny if they put on their kids "Hometown Born, Bred and Raised will not conform to your Out of town Ways". I thought that the saying was funny but I wasn't going to put it on my kid, seriously?

Okay so we all talked about it and I told them that I wanted a shirt for my kid that said "Daughter of a Non-Conformist" because thats just what I was and had always been. I have never done or belonged to a sport or group EVER and didn't ever want to belong to a sport, group, sorority, or whatever. Never did such a thing in school (the only groups I participated in in school had about 5people in them and were ART and SPANISH clubs and those only because we got to go to Mexico and Spain) and didn't figure that I would have to worry about it till my kid was in middle school at the earliest. Guess not huh?

So I went home with my fellow teacher and we went to Wally and got iron on stickers and a tshirt for my daughter and a tshirt for me because I also wanted one that said "I Do Not Conform to your Elitist Groups", and so the shirts were made. I thought they were wonderful and straight forward.

My kids teacher on the other hand didn't think it was funny and inwordly I chuckle like a maniac because when I called to check up on my daughter at school today she told me that she had some parents ask what my kids shirt meant, sad but true.

My kids teacher has a good sense of humor though and though now I think she thinks I'm a smart ass we'll get along well because I am one and I freely admit it, thank you very much.

So now every Friday me and my lovely lovely child will rebel and I will cackle and smile.

What am I going to do if my kid likes sports and cheerleading I have not the foggiest but I hope and pray that she will be just as weird as me. Weird is good and though Sheep are pretty their still cattle, or at least herded like cattle.

Today was a good day in that regard because everytime I thought about my dd's teacher looking at her today I thought about her giving me the stink eye because of that shirt, LOL. Ah the little things that get us through a day.

Other than that I wanted nothing better than to hide in my room and read the day away, my kids were so rotten today.

All week my kids at school have been on the verge of rebellion and today I had had it. We went outside and they fight. We come inside to have class and to play in centers and they fight, push, hit and pull eachother. As a class they all got 3 good lectures today about hitting, fighting and yelling at one another, and still I about lost my cool today because out of the 13kids only the new kid was behaving himself. I was a wreck by the time school was over. Nap time just doesn't last long enough sometimes *sigh*

Other than that I have been a baaaaaaad girl and have bought 5books with my paycheck this week. Nothing expensive and with the 5books I think I only spent 20 bucks or so *shifts eyes*. What can I say I'm a Bibliofile and books are my weekness.

It is 11.39pm in OK and I'm worn like a weekold washrag. I have just come home from going with my friend to Wally in the other town 45mins away from the town that I live in and though its always fun to hang with friends (especially when they buy you dinner) sometimes I wish I could come home and sleep sleep sleep.

Brian Culbertson seems to be doing the trick for winding me down and getting me ready for bed. He's good at that. LOVE this music its so calming and makes me feel as if there isn't a deadline at the end of this week for assessments on my kids. Makes me feel that if I just listen long enough I will find everything and anything that I have ever wanted. Oh it's just so lovely.







With this my first entry into my blog I want to end it with one of my stories and since this blog is mostly about kids I'll start with my first kids story!

The Greatest Secret of Faery
Once upon a time, a long time ago a mother took her daughter outside to play in the sun. While the child played and laughed in the sunlight the mother was approached by a curious old man with a sparkle in his eye. The man sat by the mother and said,
“What a beautiful child, you have there mother. I see she has the mark of the Fae. Wondrous things happen to children with the faery mark.”

“What mark?” said the mother.

“Why, the freckles of course. Didn’t you know that children born and grown with freckles have been touched by the Fae?” said the old man

“No, I didn’t. My mother told me they were Angel kisses, are they not?” said the mother

“Aye, some marks and freckles are made by Angels but those marks are hard to see. Faery marks are dark and stand out for all to take note of and wonder. Let me tell you the story as my mother told it to me when I was but a wee child”

“The Queen of the Fae was lonely her children all grown and living their own lives so that when she saw a baby playing in the sunlight, and he was lively so happy that she knew that she wanted him for her own. So in the middle of the night she picked up the little boy and took him home with her to Faery. Faery is a land so beautiful that to see it would make you weep for the beauty of it. The little boy saw this land and fell in love with the fruit that glittered like diamonds and the water that sparkled blue like his mother’s eyes.
The Fae Queen played with the boy and loved him so much she couldn’t bear to part with him, but the boy, though happy to be with the Queen, wanted his mother.

The Fae Queen being a mother herself couldn’t bear for the boy to be sad so she took him back to his bed before the sun rose but before she left him sleeping she sprinkled him with Fae dust and kissed him beside the eye, leaned in close and said to him
‘With the stars you were born, with the moon you will glow. Little Love of my heart with the Faery Kind you will always be known.’

And with that the Fae dust stuck to the child where it fell.

The next morning the boy’s mother picked up her son and noticed a peculiar mark by his eye and a smattering of freckles across his nose chin and shoulders. Wondering where he got the marks over night she carried him off and said to him

“Paddy my dearling, I wonder if you’ve been playing with the Faeries to have those marks on you all of a sudden, hmm.”

The little boy who wasn’t old enough to talk yet looked at his mother and kissed her right on the cheek. Paddy’s mother was so happy that her baby boy gave her kisses that she forgot all about his freckles and his curious birthmark and said nothing more.
Though for all the days of her life she noticed a small smattering of freckles along that cheek that her son had kissed her on that morning so long ago.

The Fae Queen still takes babies to the land of Faery to this day babies she finds that are bright, lively and happy beyond all others. She takes the happy babies and when it’s time to return them she whispers the rhyme sprinkles them with dust and kisses them.

As the children grow the Fae dust makes itself known in the form of freckles and peculiar birthmarks and the longer the child has freckles the more favored she or he is by the Fae. It is also so that the Faery Queen can come and visit them as they grow and forget about her and her wondrous land. With the Freckles she dubs them Faery Kind and they are always her special children.”

The man finished his story and looked again at the pretty girl child playing in the sun and told the mother.

“You know the more freckles a child has the more times she’s been to Faery and the more places she has them the better.”


“Why better?” asked the mother.

“Because the more places she has them the more secrets the Fae have told her. Looks like your little dearling got the greatest Fae secret of all,” said the old man.
“What secret is that?” said the mother with a smile.

“The secret of Faery Flight. It’s the greatest secret of the Fae dust and the greatest gift the Fae can bestow on a child. With that gift the child has the wings to dream the impossible and to accomplish everything they ever want. With the Secret of Faery the child can Fly,” he said eyes twinkling and smiling.

The little girl flitted over to her mother and looked at the old man and said shyly

“Hello I’m Fiona”

The old man smiled at the child and leaned in close and said

“Hello, I’m Patrick though my mother always called me Paddy.”

The mother looked at him close and smiled because she knew he was weaving a special magic. A magic of love, as she watched she saw him lean close to her child and say in a sing song

“With the stars you were born, with the moon you will glow. Little Love of my heart with the Faery Kind you will always be known.”

The little girl’s eyes sparkled and smiled because she recognized that rhyme though she couldn’t remember where and as her mother lead her away from the man toward home she turned to wave goodbye to him only to find that he’d gone and in his place were butterflies. Which, of course, her mother always told her were Faeries in disguise…