Tuesday, September 14, 2010

They age its true! :`(

They Age oh why do they age!!!! My Goddaugther Anne whom I have helped to raise since she was born turned 7 this Saturday and I am utterly heartbroken. Why do you ask? Because my baby is all grown up!!!! I swear that I tear up on all my babies birthday's and let me tell you that is a lot of birthdays for I have helped to raise 10 (count them with me)10 Children. Every since my sister had her first kid when I was twelve I've helped to care for them in one way or another. Not to mention I am the oldest grandchild on my father's side of the family. When ever anyone needed a babysitter it was Emerald to the rescue. So to count them, my cousin Shorty and my Niece Simi were born a month and 23days apart I was 12when they were born. Oh the many days I spent cuddling, cooing and potty training them. They were my first pair to potty train. I was so grossed out! As any normal 14year old would be as they were 2 at the time. It was my first time to discipline, break up fights, kiss away tears and realize that anger at a 2year old is pointless because they forget faster than you do so holding a grudge is pointless. These two loves of mine will be 15next spring! Oh how my heart pines for their little faces and their sweetness.

Next were my two cousins who are from different parents and a year apart. Hoshie and Dion. Dion was bossy and Hoshie was a sweetie pie who didn't like to be bossed. Oh how I remember when they were 3 and 2 and Dion came to tell me that Hoshie had hit her with a hanger. Well so I call him back to my room to ask him if it was true and would you know it that boy brought the hanger with him to show me that YES he did hit her but she told him that he couldn't go into the fridge and she wasn't the boss of him. I laughed inside.....then I gave them both swats and sent them to the corner. I went to the living room to find my Granny (who was supposed to be on toddler duty) what happened and she said "Well, I saw him hit her with that hanger but I just figured she'd hit him back!" Astonished!!! was all I could think mostly because "Why did they tell me when she was right there?"

So to torture them a bit I put on their favorite cartoon while they were in the corner just to watch them twitch, LOL! I'm mean and evil yes I know but out of it I got a cuddle from my Hoshieman (who had almost outgrown them by 3 and completely outgrew them by 5 *le sigh*) and a saucy "I'm tellin my momma" from Dion as she flounced out of the room when her time was up. OH, the times I had!! Those two are now 13 and 12.

My next child was in the midst of the above two, was my nephew I'll call him JADTH. I got to hold and cuddle him when he was born. Then got to help potty train him when he was 18mos then again got to see him grow to 4years old till he moved from my aunts house to my uncles house following some familial transgressions. He was so sweet and boy did he like the girls a bigger flirt I never did see. He will be 9 this December and boy how he's grown. *tears*

After my Nephew came my Niece when he was 4 she was born I'll call her Ryanne she was so my little baby sweetie pie and another flirt. THANK YOU SISTER! I got to help with her till she was almost a year then she too moved to my Uncles house. I hear they are doing well and I see pictures of them from time to time, but she's still just a baby in my mind. All my pictures of her in my house are from when she was 6mos to a year old. So smart, so good and she lived in the dorms with me and went to college with me for a few months before she moved away. I see her as much as I see my Nephew and while I miss them heartily I know where they are and I know their taken care of and that's enough. *sniff* She'll be 8 this February.

Anne was my next child and to this day I had never encountered a high needs baby more than my Anne. She cried oh boy did she cry! But still to this day when I look at her sleeping do I see the baby that was born 7years ago and does my heart melt. OH my babies all grown up and none of them know how much I adore them. (I cry as I type that because for a while they were MINE and boy do I love them.)

Kory was my next child my Sprite's older brother he's just turned 6 in August and I had him from the time he was six months off and on till he was almost 2 and once a year after till he turned 4. Such a good boy but what a bad reputation thanks to his Grandmother. She let him run amok and even still when she has him Amok does he run. They should have named him Chaos, lol. But with me he was such a good boy, and a sweet one to though rough with his sister when she was a baby but that was more exuberance than bad boy behavior. I miss him too! His baby face and chubby hands and feet. Oh he had the biggest feet and hands as a baby just as fat as they wanted to be. I never could get shoes on him not even when he started to walk.

Sprite was my 9Th child and her I still have and her I will keep. She is the very center of me I think. She is in everything I do, and she is in every thought I have. I've had her almost since birth and she's never been anywhere else. She will be 4 in December as well.

My 10Th child was Sprite's little brother, I'll call him QT, I got him when he was a year old and I lost him when he turned 2. I had him exactly a year this year in fact. April 10Th was his last day with me and his sister. His "father" and his "grandmother" (since they won't consent to a DNA test default dad still doesn't count with me but according to child support court it does with them. Hence the reason their in quotations) threatened me with legal action(read:kidnapping) and sending Sprite to foster care in order to get him away from me and into their home. I've since visited but he doesn't remember me or his sister and the last time I called he wouldn't even come to the phone. My heart broke for the little boy who used to cry if I went to the bathroom without him and it still breaks today when I go into the room that I decorated for him and his sister and see all of his clothes, toys and whatnot in the room that they never wanted or took. I don't cry anymore though sometimes I feel so sad it almost feels like I'm overtaken with grief. Other times its a softer kind of grief an ache almost though it throbs. He will be 3 in February 7days before my Niece Ryanne. How I will get through that only time will tell.

I have another Goddaughter that was born this year in May but unlike the others I don't think I'll be needed to HELP as much as I did the last time. So her I an enjoy and fulfill my god motherly duties wand in hand while her mother and father do the rest. For that I'm Grateful because the next child I raise from birth to school age will be from my own body and mine alone.

Anyway on the birthday front my Anne turned 7 this weekend and she made out like a bandit! I myself spent 70 dollars on her.... well more but lets round it off there. Unfortunately she is a Bieber (ick!!) fan and I just love to watch her get into a huff when I "confuse" *cough on purpose cough* with a girl!!!

Truthfully he does sound like a girl and he looks like one to so sometimes the confusion is genuine. What ever happened to boy singers that sound like boys/men? Have men become so in touch with their feminine side that they don't even change voice when they go through puberty anymore? *sheesh*

I got Sprite's wings in the mail today for All Hallows Eve, yay, and they are GORGEOUS!!! Her pettiskirts come in the mail in the next week or so and I got her some books off line that I thought were cute too they should also be in soon.

Have I mentioned I love to shop! Getting things in the mail is sooooooo lovely and it makes me feel special. Even if its not for me!

I finished the 3rd book in the Nicholas Flamel series and need to remember to let my bosses kid borrow it and I am now waiting for the 4Th and 5Th books to come out so I can be consumed between their pages. Such a good read that is!

Sprite has been her usual sprightly self and developing quite the attitude as well. What I am going to do with that child I don't know! But finding out should be fun!

On another note one of my fellow teacher's parents brought a SNAKE into class! *shudders* (nasty creatures) True it was in a jar but it gave me the willies all day! I kept expecting it to crawl up my leg, and it was only there for an hour, but still!!! EWWWWWWWWWW *gag*

Okay now I have to stop thinking about snakes or I'm going to have some bad dreams tonight! Lets see....................hmmmm................OH I know I dreamed about the Audubon book a few days ago and it was a good dream though weird. I dreamed I fell into the book and it wasn't just about birds but cathedrals too. Weird i say but I figured the cathedral's came from Pillars of the Earth that I just finished watching last week so maybe not weird at all.

Lately my dreams have not been vivid enough to remember as I usually slip into bed exhausted to the point of coma and not remembering any of the night. Which if you knew me is wildly unusual as I usually remember most of my dreams bazaar though they be.

I would also like to take the time to tell Holly thank you for the comment!!!!! I love comments so feel free EVERYONE to leave a comment when you read as it lets me know you actually read it!

Speaking of Bazaar here is another piece of mine I think you'll like. Inspiration for this came in the Alicia Keys song Unthinkable the day before she released the video for it talk about dual inspiration!!!!


He looks at her and asks her persuasively,
"If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy?"
She looks at him eyes wide open and says to him with a sigh,
"I cant say i came prepared, though with this now before us i feel suspended in the air, and i dont know how to respond except to say ' If you ask me I'm ready'."
2days before

Celeste looked at her mother and wondered if the world stopped spinning would she even notice. Sometimes it seemed that her mother took her brother Kaide’s death to the marrow of her bones. Other times she could reminisce about her boy child who caused more problems than not. This unfortunately was one of the times Celeste thought her mother would never recover. This was one of the times that she wished she could shake her mother and tell her

“I’m here mother! Kaide has been gone for 2 years, I know it hurts but you still have me!”

She knew it wouldn’t work her mother was as stubborn in her grief as Celeste herself was at everything else. She shook her head sorrowfully and addressed her mother;

“Mama? I’m leaving Mama, okay? You take care of yourself while I’m gone.”
When she received no response she said;

“Mama, don’t do this, you know me and Jesse had a trip coming up like we do every year this time for our anniversary. Mama...Okay I’m leaving and I’ll have Mrs. Jenkins stop by and check on you while I’m gone, be good Mama. I love you.”

Celeste walked out of her mother’s house with a mix of feelings from sad for her mother, angry at her mother, to anxious about her trip with Jesse and finally guilt over thinking about a holiday away from her mother and her grief.

Driving across town to her condo that she shared with Jesse she thought about marriage and resolved to herself that when and if he asked her to marry him she was more than ready.

In her apartment she turned on some Alicia Keys and started to pack. She didn’t know why Jesse chose Colorado for their trip this year as they usually go somewhere tropical and sunny. Especially since it was November and cold as hell, she didn’t see the need to go somewhere else cold for a vacation. But, she thought, she doubted they’d even see the snow or the slopes, as she’d packed enough lingerie to keep him guessing for more than the 7days they’d be gone.

Laughing at that thought she dropped a white teddy into her suitcase as she heard the buzzer for her apartment from the lobby. Going over to the buzzer she said,

“Yes? Who is it?”
“It’s me knucklehead, let me up?” said the voice.
“Oh my goodness Tae is that you, boy?”
“Of course it’s me! You didn’t forget me while I was away did you?” Tae said as she buzzed him to come up to her apartment.

She stood in the doorway to her apartment as he came up the stairs. She rushed him and hugged him hard missing him as he’d left a month before running off with his sky diving instructor. She hadn’t heard from or seen him in that amount of time and she’d missed the man that was more brother than friend.

She followed him into her apartment after her enthusiastic greeting and said;

“So how’s your woman? And what has been going on?”
“Valerie is fine she and I have decided to get married next month…”
“Ah, so you want me to be your wedding planner? What does your Mama say about this?”
“If you’d let me finish a sentence you’d know these things. Yes, Valerie wants you to help with the wedding but I wanted to ask if you’d be my best man when I say ‘I do’. So will you?”
“Oh, Tae!!! Of course I’ll be your best woMan. How could I be anything else? Just as long as you remember that when its my turn you are going to be my Man of honor!!! Oh my god Tae your getting MARRIED!!!!” she squealed and hugged him again.

Tae thought he’d die of loss of oxygen this time when she hugged him so hard. She was jumping and hugging him when Jesse walked through the door.

“Jesse, you won’t believe it!!!! Tae is getting married and I’m going to be the best man!!!!” Celeste screamed in his ear as she transferred her abundance of affection from Tae to Jesse.

Putting his finger in the ear that she’d deafened he stuck his hand out in congratulations toward Tae. As Celeste grabbed Tae’s phone and called Valerie to start on the wedding plans Jesse and Tae slipped out the door to go and celebrate in the manner of men, with a beer.

1day before

Celeste looked over at Jesse as he slept. He was so beautiful to her silvery gray eyes closed in sleep, bone straight black hair falling into his face. He’d kept it long because she liked it though he wouldn’t let it get longer than his chin. She’d been with Jesse for 5years and loved how even after all these years she loved everything about him. She loved how they contrasted but balanced each other out.

Looking at her hand on his chest she noticed how she loved that even their skin tones contrasted each other, her dark to his light. Both of their hair was black and dense but where hers curled riotously his was bone straight. His eyes while silver gray would look at her black eyes and smile, well when he was awake that is.

Her stomach growled and she slipped, naked, from the bed and headed to the kitchen. Sex always made her hungry but sex with Jesse made her ravenous. Knowing that he’d be heading to the kitchen when he figured out she wasn’t with him she made him a sandwich as well. Before she could finish making her own sandwich she heard him bump into the walls on the way to the kitchen. Smiling because she loved how clumsy her big strong man was she finished what she was doing and waited for him to bumble into the kitchen.

“Ow, baby? Hey why are there so many walls in this cabin? I swear there weren’t that many before we went to bed,” he said as she handed him his sandwich.

“There aren’t that many walls in this cabin as its all open you just seem to bounce off of each one as you came from the bedroom, then the bathroom, you and your clumsy self,” she said as she walked past him into the living area. He smacked her on her bare bottom as she walked by and she glared at him in sultry retribution.

They went to the couch and settled, him close to her with her legs in his lap as they ate in companionable silence she halfway through her sandwich and he finishing his in all of 6 bites she shook her head and took another bite.

“Celeste, you know I love you, right?” Jesse said.

“Uh, oh, what’s wrong? Is your dad giving you a hard time again?” Celeste said as she knew he and his dad’s relationship had strained since their relationship started 5years ago.

“No, it’s not my dad. In fact he told me before we left that he knew I loved you and if I was going to marry you he was okay with it. So we’re good. No its just I feel that we should get married, but I want it to wait a while? Is that okay?” he said.

Feeling torn between saying NO she wont wait and feeling as if she should give in as long as the end result is them being together she said,

“Why do you want to wait? What’s stopping you?”
“I want to make sure that both our families are on board with us being married and having kids together. Now that my dad’s come around and your mom and my mom have become friends of a sort I want to make sure everything is how its supposed to be before we do this. I want everyone’s approval before we go the next step,” he said at length.

“What other’s approval do you need? Both of our families have given approval no one else is needed. Who else’s is standing in our way?” she said heatedly because she could see all her dreams of them crumbling around her.

“Your father’s approval is what we need,” he said knowing that this was going to send her over the edge.

“MY FATHER!!! HE has nothing to do with me, with us, and he’s never had anything to do with my life. Not since I was ten years old when he walked out on my mom, me and my brother. He didn’t even have the compassion, courage or WHATEVER needed to show to Kaide, his son’s, funeral 2years ago. Why, why, would he give his approval for us to get married or show up to the wedding to give me away? Why would you even think that he’d want to?” she said truly angry now.

“Baby, I know how he hurt you and your mom and brother and I know how much it hurt when Kaide died and your father didn’t show or even send word. I know all that, but call me traditional I want to ask him to marry you. Your mom’s given her approval, your brother gave me his approval before he died, saying that I was good for you. I need to do this even if it blows up in my face, because that’s how much you mean to me. Will you let me do this?” he asked.

Celeste didn’t say anything but sat there in a huff with her face turned away.

“I love you, and I want to do right by you and this to me feels right,” he explained further as she continued to huff and stare at the couch rather than at him.

“You’ll never find him,” she said not looking at him.

Jesse was looking at her and trying not to stare at her luscious curves sitting there next to him. She noticed him staring and crossed her arms to cover herself, and nearly stopped breathing because it pushed her breasts up. He tore his gaze from her breasts to look at the face that got more beautiful even when she was mad at him.

“I already have. He lives here in this little town at the top of a mountain. Why do you think I wanted to come here this year?” he said as she glared at him.

Celeste couldn’t believe that he’d risk their relationship on a man that didn’t bother to take care of his family. It was romantic she grudgingly admitted but she’d rather he just forgot about her father and moved on. She turned her head away from him and thought about his revelation.

She glanced at him as he started to stroke her leg and leaned down to kiss the top of her foot. When he looked up she turned her head sharply and ignored the fire starting in her belly.

Jesse saw that she was digging in her heals about her dad so he decided that his notion would need some persuasion. God he loved her more than he loved breathing with her dark skin and her curly hair made frizzy by his hands earlier that night. Getting up he grabbed her plate with its forgotten half of sandwich and tugged her off the couch, and while she muttered to herself about romantic idiotic sentiments he led her to the bedroom.

It wasn’t long before he had her laughing her sultry sexy laugh and saying his name on a sigh.

Present day

Celeste waited in the coffee shop as Jesse went to the house where her father lived to ask his permission to marry her. Celeste didn’t think she would ever be as wound up as she was right now. She didn’t know what her father would say, didn’t want to know if it wasn’t good or not. Nothing good could come of this she knew and she fretted.

2hours later Jesse showed up looking forlorn and sad. He picked her up at the coffee shop and took her back to the cabin. It was cold outside but Celeste didn’t feel a thing. When they stepped into the cabin and took off their outerwear Jesse took her to the couch and sat her down.

“Jesse just tell me now! I’m tired of waiting,” Celeste blurted.

“He said No, babe. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. You were right last night and I should have listened. H told me that he didn’t want anything to do with you or your mother and that when he left he never wanted to even think about you or your mother and brother. He also said that he would never give permission for his daughter to marry a high and mighty white man that the thought was unthinkable to him. Then he slammed the door in my face. God what a bastard he was. I stood there like an idiot not knowing if I wanted to kill him or just walk away, but I did. I walked away and it took me an hour in a half to come and get you mostly because I didn’t know what to say, or how to say it,” Jesse said looking at the silent tears stream down her face.

Celeste didn’t realize she was crying till he reached out and wiped the tears from her face. When she saw his hand pull away wet she sobbed, because her world was gone. Jesse would never marry her now. At that moment lightening could strike her father and she would laugh. Oh, her heart was breaking as Jesse took her in his arms and held her as she sobbed for their future.

When she stopped the light in the cabin had dimmed to twilight. Jesse kissed her brow and smoothed the curls on her head and when she looked at him. His face was still masked but resolute.

He looks at her and asks her persuasively,
"If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy, or would it be so beautiful?"
She looks at him eyes wide open and says to him with a sigh,
"I can’t say I came prepared, though with this now before us I feel suspended in the air, and I don’t know how to respond except to say ' If you ask me I'm ready'."
Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a green velvet covered box opened it and said,

“I’m asking.”

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