I am going to use Anonymous names on here because while I'm okay with people googling me I'm not okay with people googling my kid or my goddaughters, sorry. So my friend Lucky and her two daughters (my god daughters) Anne and Leigh and her husband Sasquatch (lol) invited me over to their house this weekend to babysit Anne and Leigh. Of course I said yes even though I was dead dog tired and sore from teaching, dancing and commanding 13 3year olds, because I don't get to see them as often as I'd like and because I missed them like crazy. Unfortunately for me Leigh is Teething and was a little grumpy when I showed up.
I love babies but I forget how loud they get when they're uncomfortable or hurting or tired, and I forget how they go from Happy to SHRIEKING in seconds. So I pulled out my 16years of baby calming knowledge .(Yep been babysitting since I was 12 and helped raise up 10 children from babies to toddlers. My knowledge is so vast I amaze my self sometimes)
Leigh has a Ring sling(rs) that I got her mother when she was pregnant. So far I think I'm the only one that uses it, but i love it anyway. So I got it out and carried her around with me while I packed in my laundry from the car. That calmed her down she loves to look outward from the sling. When we got back in the house and I started laundry (with her still in the sling) she started to shriek at me again so I of course did what normal sane persons do when a baby starts to shriek. I said "What's the matter bay bay" like she's really gonna answer me, lol. Of course she didn't and took my question as an affront and continued her shrieking.
So I stopped laundry and I carried her back to the bedroom and got her bottle, she was hungry surely since she hadn't been eating much. She ate 2oz and then proceeded to give me the universal "I'm sleepy" eye rub and I proceeded to try to put her to sleep. Well let me tell you that this baby must be a genius because as soon as she figured out what I was doing did she let out an ear pearcing, high pitched, bring down the house SHRIEK like I'd never heard before. Man can she make the ears ring.
So I got out the full arsenal, of paci's, blankets, rocking chair, swing and bouncy seat to compete with her shriek. Nothing worked but bouncing, can anyone say "Oh my aching back". Luckily her Lucky and Sassy (short for Sasquatch) have a very bouncy bed. It was almost as good as a birthing ball. I placed her on my chest, put her paci in her mouth put one hand behind her head and the other hand on her bottom and i bounced and patted her little but till she snored. Blissful silence, ahhhhh.
Till of course i go to lay her in her crib, but lucky for me her mother has her trained pretty well. I got her comfortable, put her paci back in her mouth and patted her belly till she dozed back off and I went back to my laundry.
Bad news for me is she only slept 15mins. Just enough time for me to load the washer, lol.
She wasn't shrieking though just talking in her crib so I let her talk to herself and went to check on Anne and my own little Sprite (I think I'll call my kid sprite) to see what they were doing and found them both on the computer listening to JUSTIN BIEBER, EWWWWWWWWWWWWW YUCK!
I know, I know.........but they're only 7 and 3. (Well Anne will be 7 this Saturday) Now is not the time for boy bands. LOL. And I am soooo not the one to talk. She who still has her Backstreet Boy CD's and still listens to them when she can get a weekend alone, lol. YES i did too love the Backstreet Boys! Still do sometimes. But that's beside the point! Justin Bieber sounds like a girl, looks like one to if truth be told. AT least the BSB and Nsync had male features and sounded male. I cant wait for his voice to change GAH!!!!!
After assuring myself that my two big girls didn't need me for anything I went back to Her Imperial Highness who had started to demand my presence. Did I mention I love babies.
So that was essentially my Saturday. Oddly enough I loved it, call me crazy but I seem to thrive on the chaos that a baby brings to a house. It's one of my favorite levels of chaos. Yep chaos does have levels and you only have to be around kids as much as I am to know most of them.
There was also a sale at one of my favorite stores this weekend. THE WOODEN NICKEL is where i buy my Teapots like this one!!
Anyway so the Wooden Nickel was having a 75% off sale! HOW COULD I PASS THAT UP? well I don't I tell you. So I go and buy some baby stuff for Leigh and my other friend's daughter. Then I buy a plaque to put on my wall that says "A mother's love is like a circle. It has no beginning and no ending. It goes around and around ever expanding, touching everyone who comes in contact with it."
Then I bought my Sprite a cute overnight bag like these.
Got one for Anne too.
For Anne since her birthday is close I'm going to fill it with stuff she wants for her birthday and then give it to her to unwrap and ohh and ahh over. For Sprite she can use it whenever she goes to Anne's or something.
Ah the retail therapy that I had this weekend. I'm all agog with pleasure. But that will be the last shopping spree that I go on till after Christmas. I have too much saving to do.
First I have to save for Guardianship of Sprite. For those of you who don't know my life Sprite isn't my biological child she's actually my cousins child that i have been raising permanently since she was 18mos old but off and on since birth and I'm just now eligible to get guardianship. So that comes before all else.
Second I have to save for my cloak before it gets too cold. I'm tired of looking for jackets/coats that don't fit well so I have opted to go with my weirdness and buy a warm cloak. And I'm saving for it since it's 160bucks plus shipping. (do you know how many books I could get with that?)
Third I have to save for Sprite's birthday (December 2ND) it's the big 4. Last year we had a Christmas tea party theme (for which i got a new teapot,:P) this year I don't know what to do. So if you have any suggestions feel free to leave them.
Fourth I'm saving to get pregnant next summer and sperm costs a lot of money. Since I'm single and not looking to give up my ladylike ways and turn into the city pump I'm opting to go with a sperm bank instead of bar hopping and getting a disease.
Lastly of course I'm saving for a new car, but as long as my old car keeps running i wont be ardently saving for a new car till after this summer.
So NO more sporadic spending for me!! All of my money is spoken for.
Tomorrow is labor day and I'm so glad i don't have work tomorrow. Lounging with my sprite and reading and playing with her sounds so nice. Of course since Sprite is awe fully spunky she'll probably tell me that she doesn't want to play with me (like she to often does) in which case i will stick my tongue out at her and turn the music on because if you don't want to play then we can DANCE!! (badly of course but that's the fun of it!)
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Sad isn’t she? God, look at that face. So sad so poignant it breaks the heart doesn’t it?
If only I could feel this way. I can’t you know. I have never once cried in my memory. Though I can only remember from when I was 10 years of age on. I have no recollection of the time before I was ten years old. I am now 30. Who knows if I have cried before that age, hell I might have just cried myself out by then.
Sometimes I feel sad, but it’s not something I can understand. Oh I get along okay with others I have social skills I even have compassion and empathy but when it comes to my own emotions about myself or something sad in my own life the correct emotion eludes me. I laugh instead of crying at family funerals. When stressed outwardly I am really calm while inside I am a total wreck, emotionally, a total wreck. I can’t cry and for the life of me I can’t figure out how.
I would love the release of tears. I think it would make me feel so much better. I will watch a sad movie but it fails to move me. I worry about this because my first child is due and I have yet to feel any sort of emotional connection to this being inside me. I feel it moving but instead of feeling the wonder of the kicks and thumps it is more of an inconvenience and more than a little painful.
I don’t know how I am going to act when it gets here. I haven’t found out the sex of it yet because I think, hopefully, when the doctor yells out whether it’s a boy or girl will draw me toward it inexorably and then I will feel.
Maybe even feel what my mother felt for me when I was born? I don’t know, but at least feel something. I have been hollow for 30years and I think that is enough.
I think what happened to me when I was a child had something to do with my feelings being locked away, though I have had extensive therapy sessions and even tried hypno-therapy and have yet to open my mind to before I was 10. I know my past is out there somewhere I just wish I knew where.
You see I was found in a homeless shelter when I was ten years old by a one of the social services people that volunteer at such places. They took me into custody because my mother and father never showed themselves and I didn’t talk for 2years after they found me. I don’t know what happened to me but I wish I knew for my child’s sake. For without a past how can I give my child a future?
I have looked for my parents in every face, every gesture, and every voice that I have ever come across and no one yet has come forward to claim me.
I love my foster parents but there is a hole in me that just will not fill, and I think because of that is why I have yet to cry in all these years. My foster parents gave me everything that I claim to date even my name, Evangeline. They’re very religious and though that since I couldn’t remember my own name I needed a new start. Like Eve I needed to come first. I was the only child they ever adopted and they never fostered after me. So in a sense I was their first and only daughter. I just wish I knew who I really was. Sometimes I still even find it hard to talk openly with certain people, and at times I just get so sad that I can barely move.
Now is one of those times, as I lay here in my bed waiting on this baby to be born I am sad.
I can’t explain it, it is what it is, and though I feel this deep sadness there is nothing that can alleviate it. There is no outlet.
This picture reminds me of something that I can’t name. Something about it strikes me so deep that I felt the need to blow it up and put in on a wall in my house. It’s a picture that I both love and hate. It’s the only picture I have ever found that makes me want to cry.