Saturday, November 6, 2010

Its been a while......

So its been a while since I've blogged. I hope you missed me!

So much has happened but at the same time nothing of import has really been going on. I've been working and I still love the kids. Still plan on looking for a nother job come March though as I cant stand the thought of going back in August to a whole new bunch of kids as I Love the ones I have now. Also because I do love children I don't think I could be a teacher for very long because I want my own children and being with children all the live long day makes me not want to come home to my own child let alone have more. So I can not continue this job and have more children because I am worn out by the end of it and don't want to see another snotty face for a long time.

It's safe to say, I think, that I am burnt out on school in general. As I want NOTHING to do with another school directly not for a very long time. Dealing with school indirectly through Sprite is one thing but dealing with either the techicle aspects of school or the studious aspect of school is too much and I heartily dislike being a teacher and I most definitly don't want to be a student anymore.

As it is though I have been thrust back into being a student though a student with a very light load. I was told after training for my headstart job and after I had started teaching that I needed to take the ELECCT training test and pass it in order to keep the job that I have now. Well Okay I said as long as its easy and its something thats not going to take time out of my normal duties. "No" I was told "it would only take a few minutes at work to take and to pass its easy."

WRONG!!!!!! Its a Training Class that lasts for a few weeks that I have to study for, do homework for, along with quizzes and take a final for at the end of the 3 weeks or however long it lasts. But since its online none of the bosses that told me about the damn thing thought it was an actual class. I almost quit when I found out it was a class as I am still so abhorrently opposed to school right now. I literally said "Who do I need to post my resignation letter to? Because I didn't sign up for going back to school to be a daycare teacher, thank you very much!"

Because if you didn't know that is very nearly exactly what a Headstart teacher is a glorified daycare provider. There is nothing that I am doing now that I didn't do when I did work for a daycare except that there is more paperwork involved, there are no babies, and you don't send home sick kids.

Everything that I am teaching the 3yearolds in my class is damn near the exact same things I was teaching my 2-3yearolds at daycare. I don't like it. Though I will stick it out till may that is as far as I'm willing to go.

Today is Housecleaning day and I am done for now as i've cleaned the kitchen and the living room along with the bathroom with the exceptions of the dishes and scrubbing the tub and toilet. After I finish this blog I am going to my new friends house to help her paint her house. She's a cool chick and one of her kids is my student in class. She has invited me to her house on the 20th of this month for an early thanksgiving because she's making Aisan turkey (as she's aisan) she said it was going to be like Peking duck but with Turkey as you can't really find duck OK unless you shoot it first, lol.

I'm excited and looking forward to it like MAD! They have a cool house too and beautiful carpet that I could sleep on its so soft!

I get to house sit come thanksgiving break YEAH!!! This is what I consider my vacation as they have everything I want in their house, ie.....a dishwasher, hot tub, and washer and dryer are top three!!!

I can't wait for 2weeks from now!

I'm still on a search for a man so that I can have a baby or two without going to the sperm bank as its really expensive and I'm pretty sure that my insurance, when it kicks in, doesn't offer fertility treatmens, lol.

I feel bitter when ever I see a woman/girl with a pregnant belly as I'm filled with soooo much jealousy because I want to be pregnant more than anything else right now.

But like my granny says "People in Hell want Ice water" so you can't always get what you want, lol.

Unlike people in hell I really hope I have a better chance of getting pregnant soon then they do of getting ice water.

Well thats all for now as I've got to get on the road. Here's a poem or two to keep you occupied till I get back.


She was all I thought about
An obsession……that I couldn’t control
I couldn’t let her alone

We married and then it seemed that things went so wrong
She wasn’t what I wanted…….exactly
She was something that needed to be made

I tried to fix her
I tried to educate her, and make her what I needed her to be
She never could do anything right, it seemed…… to me

She embarrassed me
So she needed to be punished

Not physically, I’m not a monster
So, I took the things that meant most to her
Her parents
Her friends

No one was left but me, now maybe…….when I am all she has she’ll understand……….that it’s just me
Who cares
Who knows what’s best
Who loves her

She is starting to get it right
She is not so willful
Life was good for me

Until she tried to leave
Well I couldn’t let that happen
What would people say?

I hate her now

I brought her back
She tried to fight back
But in the end she just begged for her life.

This is what love looks like, yes? Oh how I wished for love when I was young. I wanted what this picture represents. I wanted those tingles of lust, those unrelenting feelings of want, need and desire of the person who had won my affection. Oh, how I would have cherished that feeling. How I would have enjoyed my life more.
I look at this picture everyday thinking what did I do wrong to deserve nothing but grief? What did I do, maybe in a past life, that was so wrong to warrant the unrelenting despair of my world?
I am 87years old and this is me on my wedding night. Don’t I look happy, don’t I deserve love?
That night was so, so special to me, for it was the start of what I thought was going to be the rest of my life filled with love.
My God I look so happy in this picture I could puke, for what is waiting for me in just a few days is so unspeakable that I hardly know where to begin.
But begin I must, for if I do not start how will it begin to end.
I am 87years old and I do not know how to say that for the past 60 years I have been living a lie.
Most people will start telling you their lives stories now, yes? Well Mr. Reporter I will not start at the beginning of my life but I will start at the end so that you will know the worst of my life. So that when I start over at the beginning you will see that no matter the reasoning the ending out come can not be rectified. No matter even if the reason is love. For I did love him but those feelings could not even begin to be what this photograph shows. The feelings I had for my husband and the feelings he had for me were twisted long before this photograph was taken. You see we were meant to be. The tragedies of our childhoods lead us to be together even beyond death, even beyond life. He WAS my soul-mate and he always will be.
In 60years this story hasn’t had an ending but today it ends with me, today I confess.
In this photo I was 27years old, and had known my husband for 5years, and in those 5 years we honed our skill. So that when we moved to a new state we could start a new.
Yes we killed all those people. Yes we killed all those Men, Women and Teens, but they deserved it, oh yes they did, for they were bad, but we were worse.
For we were THE WARDENS OF POWER we were the PARENTS OF FATE. We killed over 100 people in 10years. We stole more than 100 babies and children. All of them from abusive homes, but that don’t make it better does it? No, I didn’t think so, but you see it doesn’t matter, not really. Not anymore, for today is the day I die and I want the truth to be known.

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