Saturday, January 15, 2011

So I've been down...

But now that Christmas is over I'm starting to bounce back a bit. I'm writing in purple this time to show my beginning change of attitude, lol.

I have new friends who are good for me and bad for me at the same time but whats life without a little complications to make life interesting. I can't really go into it here but their nice people at heart but going through some things that include and exclude me all at the same time, lol. And that of course tells you a shitload doesnt it?

Sprite's schooling is going well. This week I never had more than 9children in my class of 17 because they were all out with fever/virus and it was alternately good and bad. Good because less children means less stress bad because I miss my kids.....shocking I know but I love those little buggers even though I'm ready to strangle some of them by the end of the day!

My writing isn't coming along as I've not been home 5days in a row to get my thoughts organized let alone get anything written so you will have to make due with something from my writings past, lol.

For Christmas Sprite made out like a bandit! She got the leapster Explorer along with the camera attachment. The tag reader, a Baby Tiana doll, clothes, a Lalaloopsy doll that I love :), and many more things that dont come to mind, lmao.........needless to say stressing over christmas was pointless.

For myself one set of friends got me a Tea set, the pot along with the cups and saucers!!! SO excited you cant even imagine how excited I was to recieve them. I requested the pot but didn't really think I'd get it you know and thought I'd purchase it for my birthday but NO i got it and the cups and saucers that went with it!!!!!!!

This is it though the set i got was creamcolored not yellow and it only came with 2cups and 2saucers instead of 4 of each. I can't tell you how much I love my new friends for this since I've been eyeing this teapot for months without the money to get it for myself, lol!!!

Another set of friends got me another Teapot along with the sugar and cream pots too it's a tall rectangular teapot thats white with black demask roses and vines on it its beautiful and romantic I think. I couldn't find a pic on the net of it so you'll have to use your imagination.

I'm in a strange mood since Christmas. I feel somewhat sad and romantic all at the same time and seem to want to listen to Evanescence and Avant at the same time almost constantly and if i can't then slow and romantic jazz or any sad song will do.

I don't really know what to do with this mood other than to dream with it and use it as a muse toward my writing somehow. I think it has something to do with my new friends mostly because I see their relationship and its as close to Cliff and Claire as I've found in real life besides my Aunt Cynthi and Uncle Virgil or my Aunt Teresa and Uncle Dewar. Seeing them dote on eachother or rather watching the husband dote on the wife and the affection between the two seems to leave me wanting the same for myself, though where I'm to find it is anyones guess.

I still want a baby so bad I dream of children all night and wake up smelling babypowder. I can't go into a store with out going down the baby isle smelling the scents and touching the little outfits. Oh, the longing for a child and to be pregnant is eating me up inside slowly I think and is also causing my strange mood.

I catch myself smiling at a remebered dream of a baby nursing at my breast and when I come out of the daydream I have to catch myself from crying and feeling loss.

Pathetic isn't it when the only thing to keep you from pregnancy, and a child is the one thing vital for reproduction. A mate.

My birthday is coming soon and I'll be 27 years old and if it wasn't for my wonderful Sprite I'd be childless. For that I will always thank her mother for giving her to me, but that is all I will thank her for.

I look for a mate in every male face that passes me on the street, store, school. I wonder if just by looking into the eyes of a stranger if we will recognize eachother or not.

I pray everynight for the one person that is the other half of me and will give me the children I so desperately need. I wonder as well if i dont also need the companionship and the security of Marriage and if that is the reason why I can't just go sleeping with just anyone to beget a child. I want my children to have a father and if thats not physically possible I atleast want them to have the legacy of his handsome face or a good personality.

They will be beautiful my children because they will be mine.

I think I'm becoming obsessed though with finding a mate and with having a child. I'm determined to have a child this year or at least be pregnant before winter. *crosses fingers*

I was sick today and yesterday with fever and while i think the worst has passed it seems to have passed quickly so I wonder if the fever isn't biding its time and waiting on me to let my guard down to come back full force and sky high. I hope not and am drinking plenty of green tea and orange juice to combat it but you never know with sickness as it seems to have a mind of its own.

My friend Dani sent me a card for christmas and it was beautiful and I loved it! It cheered me up for a full week just to think she remembered me and sent me something!

From my best friend and her husband got me 2 wooden prints of Michael Jackson, a Snuggie :) (that came in handy while driving and waiting on the car to warm). I was hesitant about the snuggie because well it just seemed rediculous to buy a blanket with arms but hey it comes in handy, pun in tended, lol.

I bought presents for everyone I could think of and then those I forgot, lol. I think I spent more money this christmas than ever on christmas's past.

For dirty santa at work I made a romantic sex basket, lol. It had 2wine glasses a small mirror that holds 3small candle roses, and some goodies from christies toybox *snicker*. I got a small flat basket from Hobby Lobby along with some red tuille to wrap it in and a red ribbon it was soo good I wanted to keep it but I have no one to share it with and I made sure it was for a couple instead of a single person since all the ladies I work with are married.

So christmas was great new years was typical watched movies with a friend we didn't make it to midnight and I slept through the ball drop and no kiss for me during the final seconds of the year change. Sad I know.

I did watch the lunar eclipse and that to me was absolutely magical to me. I swear I'm becoming more pagan everyday though my roots are Baptist, lol. It was magnificent the eclipse and at that moment I wished I was some kind of witch or wiccan so that I could cast a spell for my mate to find me. Now that would have been worth writing about. But alas I didn't and was powerless to do anything but say a mental prayer of finding. Though I'm sceptical anyones listening.

You know I've said it before and I'll say it again "I do believe I was either born in the wrong time period or my mate and I have crossed paths only to miss eachother in time."

It's hard to believe that I even have a mate and its likely that I'll go through life half full and with a feeling of loss. I should travel the world and one day I will but I wonder if it will be a last ditch effort on my part to find the other half of myself.

Now thats something to wonder...while I wonder about that you can wonder about Lotus

Forbidden Children
My name is Lotus and I was born into a world were Evil is forbidden. The scientists of my world have made a kind of Utopia of a sort. Evil is found within from birth. Sometimes Evil is found before birth.
The doctors and scientists have perfected a way to locate what they call the "Damien Strain". It is the Gene inside you that makes you think bad thoughts. It is the devil on your shoulder. It is the voice in which it is almost impossible to resist...............I should know I live with it everyday.
I have found a way to hide My Evil by becoming what is know as an Acceptable Evil Entity or the AEE, but we of the AEE call ourselves Belladonna. We are the flowers of evil.
Belladonna is the women and girls that have been found to have the "Damien Strain" and have been trained as assassins of others with DS. Women with DS have been shown to be just as evil as the men with DS only we are controllable. As long as WE live we can overcome anything and anyone, and one day we will prevail.
My name is Lotus and I was born into a world were evil is forbidden. I am also 9years old. This is my story


  1. My cousin was engaged 3 times and called it off all 3 times (3 different men) before she found her soul mate. She was 30 he was 40ish and already had 2 teenage daughters and a visectomy(spell?) She always wanted to b a mother and he was willing to have a reversal for her to have children. She is now the mother of 2 yr old twin boys :) don't give up. But u should stop searching. Let him find u or let nature guide u! :)

  2. Thanks for the advice Melissa! I'm working on letting nature guide me to wherever I go and whomever I meet. Cross your fingers for me!