Sunday, March 13, 2011

My new piece....and some updates...

Updates on me and sprite...

She's fine and everything is normal. Her endoscopy went really well according to the doctor and she's completely healthy. We go back next month to see if maybe her excessive chewing and difficulty swallowing is a result of an allergy of some kind. Thats it.

I cant tell you how relieved and frustrated I was when he told me that he found nothing and she was normal. Not that I was looking for something to be wrong with her I just wanted an answer. My biggest fear is that something is wrong and they wont find it before something goes really wrong or that her symptoms are a result of something much much bigger and life threatening. It scares me to think that they cant find anything, and that for all intents and purposes she's normal.

I'm a mother I worry. It doesn't help that my favorite show is Mystery Diagnosis. I'd laugh except she's still having the mysterious fevers that are low grade but still there out of the blue for no reason. one minute her temp will be 97.3 (her normal core temp) then before you know it she'll have a temp of 99.8 or 100 or some such and those fever's aren't something that you can take her to the doctor for or give medicine for either. So their just there, and they knock her out. Knock her out as in sleeps for a few hours then by the time she wakes she's perfectly fine and her temp is back down to 97.3.

Her swallowing is better she doesn't seem to chew till her food liquefies though she's still really slow when it comes to eating and it still takes her an hour where everyone else may take 30mins. But the doctors say she's normal. I have to trust them don't I?

Anyway My life is uncomplicated and boring aside from Sprite I have no life, lol.

I've been spending a lot of time with my new friends who are almost as boring as me, but not quite. So I've not been home or online in a long time. Oh the horror.

My god daughters are doing wonderful I've been with them all weekend and oh how i missed their faces and their noise. Sprite had a great time there and cried when we left today. Poor pitiful thing.

I wrote a new piece today. *applause* Thank you thank you *bows*

Its a three part monologue done with three people 2males and one female. I like it but it makes me cry when i read it to myself so ware your eyes and bring along some tissues, lol.

I don't have a title for it yet so if you think of one let me know as i need help with that. Usually i start with a title but this time I'm having a bit of difficulty. I've posted this on BBC to my DS girls so i hope i get some feedback and will have a title soon. Please feel free to leave suggestions and feedback on this as its new and I'm not quite certain what to think about it.

Think of it as there being a spot light on each during their part while the others remain dark until their parts. They're all being interviewed by the DA.

The colors are to show different characters. the blue is a man, the black is a man and the green is a woman.

A little background a friend of mine's had a cousin beat (not to death) but bad enough to be hospitalized and the husband of the cousin went to jail and is now not allowed to see his children or his wife again (judge ordered) he beat her that badly. I met them twice but didnt know them. The monologue that i'm talking about in the monologue is"A Good man" if you read my blog you've read it, the poem is mine too its "Obsession" this you also should have read if you've read my blog. Vivienne is me.

How does it feel…I wonder…to lose control of yourself in a way that you can not come back from? Do you know? I wonder if he lost himself and the only way to find it was to rage until he shattered all that mattered to him.

He committed emotional suicide you know. He can never come back from this. He was my brother, my friend and I loved him as such, even though he’s not blood, I loved him, and I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

You know when me and Wendell we’re friends we did some of the craziest shit you could ever think of. (Laughs bitterly) we used to shoplift from the corner store just so that Mr. Harold behind the counter would cuss and chase us down the street. I knew even then he had problems but I never thought he’d be capable of this. This baffles me. I GREW up with him. I thought I knew him, but how could…(cries)

We all thought we knew him Mr. District attorney. We never thought he’d beat her to death. I mean all we saw in the last 7 years were a couple bruises, the worst was a black eye and a bruise on her hip never this. He was coming around. We had been waiting SHE had been waiting for him to change, that’s the whole reason she stayed, because she new that he had it in him to be a good man, a worthy man. She believed in him that much. He was going to a therapist learning how to talk through is anger, and insecurities. He was looking for a way out of the pain and the rage. I guess he never found it.

What? No he never hurt, or abused the children. He loved them, never would he have done anything to them. He was a good father to them. I should hate him for this. We should all hate him for this, but how do you hate someone you’ve loved so long? How does it feel I wonder to hurt so bad that the only way to feel anything besides hurt is to hurt the person closest to you?

How did it feel? When? When I kicked her? When I hit her? When I killed her? (shrugs) does it matter? She’s gone, and its all her fucking fault, the bitch. Why couldn’t she just accept that I’ve changed? She had to belittle me and accuse me and be wary. WHY? She never could trust me.

No, Mr. District Attorney I didn’t want to kill her. I just wanted her to hurt as much as I hurt. As much as she hurt me, why couldn’t she see that I just wanted to love her and I wanted her to love me? I was TRYING to be better to be something other than I always had been with her. I wanted to change for myself and for her. I didn’t want my kids to grow up the way I did seeing their dad be abusive. I was TRYING to be better. To do better, but did she accept that? NO! She wanted me to take SHIT from her. ME take shit? NO I give shit I don’t take it. Our friends told me to TAKE IT, because she’d taken it from me for so long, what are they crazy? You want to know how it started? Okay I’ll tell you.

She was getting ready to go to work and all I did was ask her a simple question, okay. I asked “Hey call me on your break okay?” and she had to be a bitch about it and be SMART about it and say “Why so you can check up on me and make sure I’m not sleeping with anybody?” Really?! REALLY?! The bitch! Like she had a right to question me? I was the one who had to question HER.

You know I almost walked away, I really did but then she said, “I’m not calling you Wendell. So forget it.” The last thing I remember before I hit her was that she looked like she was going to say something else but WHAT did she have to say that would make it better? All I wanted was a simple phone call after her shift at the factory. That’s it. Is it too much to ask of her husband for his wife to call him during her break?


That sorry son of a bitch, I was his friend. I loved him and I was trying to counsel him on his marriage to my sister. He was my brother I loved him like a brother, and he killed her and in killing her he killed himself. How am I supposed to explain to their kids that they have to live with grandma and grandpa because daddy killed mommy, huh? They’re 5 and 3 how are they supposed to understand this? I don’t understand this.

He promised he was getting help for his anger and his rage. I guess it didn’t help did it? He was my best friend and I trusted him with my sister’s life and he took it from her after 7years of marriage and 2 kids.

Did he explain why? Did he tell you why he beat her to death Mr. District attorney? I want to know why. I want to be able to explain this to my mother. I want her to know why she doesn’t have a daughter any longer. No? He didn’t give a reason? But there has to be a reason, there has to be. The man shattered a toilet there has to be a reason for that much anger.

But no it’s just like Wendell to not say anything when it really matters. You know my wife’s friend was over the last time we saw Wendell and Lauren. She’s a writer and brought over a monologue and poem that she had written for my wife to read and get her opinion on and during it she thought it was odd that Wendell got up in the middle of the poem and left the room and didn’t come back till the reading of both was over.

I told her that she was seeing too much and it was probably nothing. I wonder know how he felt to hear his own thoughts. What do I mean? Well my wife’s friend wrote a monologue about an abused woman talking to a police officer and telling why she wouldn’t leave her husband. The poem was about an abusive relationship from a husband’s point of view and telling how obsessed he was with her and why she needed to die.

It was very dark and powerful, now I see it as foreshadowing as to what was to come but how were we to know?

How were we to know that he’d do this to his family? How were we to prevent something like this? How do you ask that? There was no way to know this would happen.

My friend? What friend? My writer friend? What does Vivienne have to do with this? Oh my husband told you about her monologue and poem? Why? Yes I remember Wendell getting up and walking away during the middle. I didn’t think anything of it why? She thought it was strange? She didn’t tell me. She told Pierce? Why? How in the HELL do you think that someone who didn’t even know Wendell well would be able to know when he’s acting odd and we, who have known him his whole life didn’t realize that he was headed for a breakdown.

How could she of all people have seen this when we didn’t? Oh God…how did we not see?

How could she not see that I loved her and wanted to change for her and our family. I was so angry with her. I wanted her down and broken like she’d made me.

What have I done?! Laura I’m sorry! Laura! Please! I’m sorry…you shouldn’t have…you shouldn’t have…What was I to do, huh? Oh God… how do I take it back.

My kids how will my kids understand that I did love her more than anything but it was to much…too much. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t breath, she suffocated me just by being, she took my breath, my love, my whole being. She had to give some back Mr. District Attorney do you understand? She. Had. To. Give. Some. Back. I couldn’t breath.

Please, please, let me see my kids let me talk to them and tell them that I did love her I do love her. She was everything to me. Oh God what have I done…

LAURA………………Please baby…………please…I’m so sorry. (Sobs)

I’m sorry Laura. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner. He was my friend, and I loved him, I’m so sorry I failed you. You will always be my baby sister and I your big brother, Laura, I didn’t protect you, and for that I’ll always be sorry.

Oh, God Laura, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. Please Laura forgive us where ever you are forgive us for being so blind.

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